When to wean from the forum? Is it necessary?

hi everyone,
Well I can’t believe it’s been almost been year since I joined the forum. And I’ve been on here every day. It has taught me so much it’s beyond all description. It’s also kept me alive with Hope and helped me solidify my complete belief that I have TMS.

lately I’m feeling that it’s time for me to get more in the real world and stop hovering over this website. It’s almost like an addiction. I’m going to try weaning myself away —first by only allowing myself to come on once a day, which will be a huge sacrifice! I’ll see if I can pull that off lol

Today, by getting off the forum all day, I did some walking in my living room, a bunch of reading, meditating and some work on Dr. Hanscomb’s app, which is a new plan I’m trying out to heal chronic pain.

i’d like to increase my exercise, do some yoga and some cooking. These are my new goals!

what do people feel about virtual discussion of TMS on the forum versus getting your buns out there and living and doing things?

 

I have to say you’ve been such an asset to this site that on a selfish note it would be sad to lose you. Do you think coming on this site to help others (which ends up helping yourself) combined with ‘living and doing things’ in the real world would be a good combination? Just a thought!

 

@tgirl
You are sweet! I have to say that helping people (if I even am?!) is a huge motivation for me. If I can help someone have hope like others on the forum have given me, then I’m happy. Yes, to answer your question—I should just work harder in the real world and check in on the forum after my “work” is done.

 

Jan!
oh my gosh, you really did hit the nail in the head and I’m not just being nice lol.

Absolutely I feel compelled to help people feel better. I have so much sympathy and empathy and I feel I owe it to people to help them. for about the last month or two I’ve been trying to just use the “like” button, to no avail. I can see what you’re saying!and then I would picture the person sad and I would want to make them feel better.

i’ve been saying to myself lately that I don’t hold the world up. I’m not the person who can fix everything for people. I know this comes from my upbringing. I was the oldest in a very difficult family and I felt like I could save my younger sisters. I tried to. I even felt like I could save my parents. Sometimes I felt like I was the only parent in the family, even when I was really young. I’m fully aware of all this about myself .

I actually never really thought of the addiction to getting likes . I don’t pay attention to getting likes that much. I mostly like when people answer and give me good advice. I also absorb the good advice people give to other people in their posts. It has been huge for me, but I also realize I think I’ve learned most of what you can learn about TMS. It’s time to stop talking and start doing.

I think I also use the forum a little bit as a drug if I feel a sad feeling come over me or an anxious feeling, I’ll reach for the forum as a distraction. It gives me the sensation that there’s something in control of anything. Its sort of like homebase to me. I know this is all fabricated by my brain.

thank you so so much for your honesty —always! I honestly do love everybody on this forum and I know that I’ll find the right balance but I can feel it nagging me to get more discipline, pull away and stop with the goodism obsession to help every single person. This isn’t even possible. And at some point I have to put the mask on myself first.

I like your idea to just hit the like button and let it be enough —but boy does it hurt to think that somebody might have a better day with an encouraging word!

 

@Diana-M how about you set up some fixed time for the forum? I'd recommend during the evening, because going for dopamine release first time in the morning isn't the best idea.

This way it'll be a reward for a day well spent (and we won't lose you)

 

I think the issue is the degree to which we allow TMS to be a distraction. This can take the form of being distracted by our TMS symptoms. But it can also take the form of being distracted by "working on my TMS" or "studying TMS" etc. Obviously working on TMS and studying it has value and is necessary to achieve recovery. So I usually recommend that people limit how much time they spend thinking about TMS daily to about an hour a day (nothing magical about that amount, but important to limit it) so that it doesn't become your life. Coming on the forum and giving support to others seems like a good thing as long as it doesn't take too much time and you spend the majority of your day living your life.

 

It's because the dopamine levels used for behavior reinforcement. One of the problems with addiction is that it depletes the dopamine stored for maintening healthy behaviors. When you spend a morning on instagram for example, it's way harder to start another activity because you lack the dopamine destined for it. And then you do something that we who have ADHD know very well, you ran for distractions for the brain to get excited and create more dopamine.

 

This actually explains a lot!

 

As usual, you get right to the heart of the matter. So much truth in what you wrote above (as well as in your entire post).

For the OP, I can definitely see the appeal to "hanging out" here alot - you get to help others but it's also helping you - I definitely get that. For myself, I'm a veteran of the internet since the 90s and kinda got the "forum addiction" out of my system around that time. And I'm at a place with my TMS management that I only need to consult this wiki from time to time - not everyone is lucky enough to be in that place. So my advice is to try to find some balance that works for you - if you feel like you come here too much, well then give serious thought to that initial feeling and evaluate if its true or not. There's no black/white or right/wrong answers on this one to me.

 

About the "likes." I never use them and I don't look to see if anyone likes my posts. I can feel the addictive threads that you describe Jan, so I've tried to take this off my plate at least!
Diana-M If you get nothing else from this question except the honest question for yourself about how much you might want to help others so that you're "enough" that would be huge. I certainly have had those feelings on this Forum about myself. This is a hard question to honestly feel into, and yet a good one for our self-understanding. One practice is to lay off a little and just sense into how you feel not getting positive (or even perceived, imagined positive) feedback. "How do I feel if....?" This is fruit for my inquiry, and may take me into what I normally defend against. The same areas inside that I compulsively defend with behaviors may be the places which are defended with TMS symptoms.

 

Andy,
Thank you so much your post here. it really resonated with me. This one issue has been on my mind for a few weeks now, and I have noticed what you said. I’ve noticed that I defend my need to be a helper, and as a method/crutch for feeling value. And like you suggested, this new awareness is really worth a lot and it’s definitely a place where TMS can hide.

Recently, I retired because of my TMS symptoms. I never wanted to retire and the reason is I wanted to stay useful because that’s what makes me feel valuable. It’s a really miserable feeling to realize that you don’t think you have value —really miserable! And it’s something I need to heal.

I’ve been working lately out of Dr. David Burns’ book, Feeling Good (a book recommended on the DOC app, Dr. Hanscom’s method for healing chronic pain). He has a daily exercise where you spend 15 minutes writing down your thought patterns then discerning the cognitive distortions that you’re using on your thoughts. Then you rewrite them to be positive. (I’m sure you’re probably aware of this process. It’s called cognitive behavioral therapy.) I’ve only been doing this for a week or so and it’s been stunning to see all the negative thought patterns and distorted thought patterns I have. Dr. Burns says depression is rooted in a sense of worthlessness. I’ve always suffered from depression.

I have begun to feel just the smallest amount of relief learning this, and I believe it can be improved upon greatly. This all dovetails with my awareness that I’ve got this really strong need to be of use.

It’s kind of sad because what if everyone in the world didn’t want be of use? lol I think being nice is a good thing. I like it when people are nice to me, but I think having it as a main source or the only way to like yourself, can hurt you.

what an amazing journey this TMS journey is! I feel like I’ve never known myself, and I have really spent a lot of time always in therapy and in self-help efforts; nothing has compared to this TMS journey.

it’s just like what Nicole Sachs says, when you come out of this you’ll be better than you could ever have imagined. (I’m paraphrasing her.)

thanks so much for weighing in on my journey. It really means a lot to me!

 

There is a very fine line at times between feeling useful and following your passion.
I went through this, and I decided that the things I am passionate about made me feel useful, to myself and others - and recognizing that has helped me keep out of any self-destructive habits surrounding it. You can still have all the ying and yang of life and learn to be comfortable with all of it.

 

Wisely said, my friend. ❤️

 

As Cactusflower discusses and I'm sure this is your contemplation, "How can I be of service in a natural way which isn't a compulsion of my personality patterns?" I think this is a life-long contemplation for me. Passion, what we're drawn to do is probably a different inner "flavor" than my compulsive helping experience.

Part of it has to do with my desire to control, and that might mean in the subject you're exploring, the desire to control how I am met or perceived by others. In this vein, I'll add this quote from Gangaji in longer discussion about controlling the world, or the ego's desire and delusions about control of self and other. I'm thinking of her word "support" as a way to feel into the situation which might need my input or help, and what that might mean vs needing to be helpful. She is pointing to a way of interacting which is new and fresh and outside our conditioning, I think.

"

" I would like to make the distinction here between control and support, since much misery is experienced in the belief that one can control, and great joy is experienced in providing support.


… If your desire is to support rather than to control, you will catch fire. The mind will stop its clutching and will begin to open. What follows the natural opening of the mind is the most profound, the most mysterious, the most unspeakable realization."

 

That sounds like a terrific idea !!