Day 26 Where did my personalty traits come from?

When my baby brother died at 14 months it was very emotionally and physically painful for my parents. Their grief was so deep and so heart breaking they could not take care of me at 4 years old or my 6 year old sister. My Mother never wanted to hurt like that again. She wrapped herself in grief. She distanced herself from us. She resented having to take care of us. She resented us because we were alive and he was dead.

It was so very sad around our house. I watched every move my Mother made. I watched her body language. I listened to her tone of voice and her words to see if I had made her happy. I tried to be good. I tried to be perfect. I tried and tried and tried to make her care about me and love me. All my life nothing has ever worked.

The perfectionist was born. The controlling personality was born. The need to be right was born. I learned to beat myself up when I made any mistake. I was never quite good enough for them to love.

Yes, I forgive them. They do love me in their own way. They did what they were capable of at that time. I love them and yes, I take care of them today.

 

You have the right perspective, SandyRae. And forgiving them frees you. What a burden you've carried, and are finding peace with them and yourself. God bless.

 

Thanks Walt. Within the first few years is when all my TMS personality traits were born.

 

A lot of mine started early, too.
Sarno is helping me remember them so I can go on from there.

 

SandyRae:

This sort of sums up mu childhood with my mother as well. She never really "liked" me. She'd show great love for me in public but when we got home, I'd hear in either subtle ways or not-so-subtle words, how imperfect I was. Low self esteem was born and I still fight it. I know it's there, but I try and "good" my way out of it.But recently I have been speaking my mind which feels really good.

I too forgave my mom. I mean, my parents didn't decide to have me and then said "let's see how messed up we can make her!" No, that came with their lives together, the bond I had with my dad, and the way my mom treated me.

As I said, one day in the pool while swimming laps, I chose to forgive my mom. I mean - really truly forgive her for all her emotional assaults. As soon as I did this, I felt a stabbing pain in my heart. I thought "great, I've forgiven her and now I'm going to die in the pool of a massive heart attack." But what it was - was ALL THAT PAIN being released from my heart. What a moment that was, I will never forget.

I'm still working my way through my TMS journey. I have picked up the journey again after being sidetracked for many months by our seasonal business. I still struggle, I am finding new "mom issues" even though I've forgiven her for her major mistakes in raising me. (if you can call it that, spent most of my childhood at my aunt's house after school) But now I'm more determined than ever to move on with my life. To one day write that success story.

I have a life passion and know I'm supposed to live in it. But the above mentioned seasonal business always comes around and then I am taken from all I love and into the world of - I've done this for too long and no longer enjoy it. Well steps are being made to live my dream ALL year round - which should aid in my healing. I have a ways to go. But I will get there.

I loved your posts. Your journey is really great to read.

BG

 

SandyRae, my mother was the oldest of three children until her youngest sibling, a brother, died from a fever at the age of 3. I had never really given it much thought as to what that was like for her and her sister so I have been reading your posts with great interest. I can understand a little better why these two women ended up like they did, not to mention what befell all of their children. Both have perfectionist tendencies to the extreme among other traits. It would be so great if they could explore their emotions in relation to their physical problems. My mother, for instance, suffers from scoliosis and osteoarthritis. We don't speak now and I was told she is a much happier person because of it. She could never connect with me in any way. I always felt like I was an annoyance and a disappointment. Perhaps this was how she was made to feel. Needless to say, history repeated itself. I am trying so hard to avoid falling into this trap with my kids but only in recent years. Hoping it is not too late.

 

From BG - I chose to forgive my mom. I mean - really truly forgive her for all her emotional assaults. As soon as I did this, I felt a stabbing pain in my heart.

When I read this, BG, I could relate to everything you said. I, too, felt the stabbing pain in my heart. What a powerful Mind Body connection we have. How can it be denied. I continue to have "mom issues" too. I just can't be around her on a regular basis and not have them. But I have tools to help me go down that achingly painful path.

What a terrible ache deep in our souls from not be wanted, accepted and loved by our parents. I too, yb44, have never made an emotional connection with my Mother. She can not make that emotional connection with anyone... not even my Father. You are right history does repeat itself. My Mother's Mother lost both her Mother and Father when she was young. She also lost a brother. There were 10 children to try to support and feed. She was so mean to my Mother. So controlling and critical of my Mother. My Mother, too, feels that deep ache in her soul of not having a Mother or Father to love and accept her. She, also, has numerous health issues.

The painful ripples go on and on and on through so many lives. yb44, I don't believe it for one minute that your Mother is happier as a result of not speaking to you. She may tell others that but she knows she has failed you in so many ways. You are not too late for your kids.

I, also, everyday see how my low self-esteem has controlled my every action. Thanks for sharing your stories. It has been very meaningful.

 

YB:

You were "told"? Is this a reliable source? I'm not one to speak up on this as my mom didn't really like me either. But she would not have been happier had I disappeared. On some level I believe, they may not like us, but they do love us to the capacity they can. Those feelings of being the "Problem Child" are real though. As children we can feel and sense more from others. We lose that ability (or tend to dismiss it) as we age.

Just a thought. And no, it's not too late for history to stop right now with you.

BG