Yep, chicken vs egg ;)

"All they keep finding are associations - but association is not causation. Chicken vs. egg. At some point, those of us 'in the know' must find and maintain faith in our own truth."
-Beloved Grand Eagle JanAtheCPA

Thank you for this Jan! This is where I have come to with that MS diagnosis last spring. MS comes with a ridiculously long list of glaringly obvious TMS symptoms, all under a dark, pervasive and heavy cloak of fear. "MS is a progressive disease folks, so it's only going to get worse and worse for ya. Well, you could take this very very expensive 'Disease Modifying Drug' that MAY slow progression.(I am just being rascally, not disparaging the use of pharmaceuticals!) But eventually it's gonna get you anyways and all your worst fears will come to pass. Meanwhile let's all keep a very close watch on each and every sensation and symptom you experience. Write them down, share them with your doctors, share them with other terrified MSers on forums and commiserate away!!"

Okay, I've got some lesions on my brain and cervical spine. Apparently that's where my immune system has been "attacking" the mylin sheath. But no one can tell me definitively what the effect of this is. "A lesion in this location causes this specific symptom" Nope. Plenty of associations but no causation. Did you know that there are on average, depending on what society(?!) you consult, over 20 MS symptoms, or clusters of symptoms? It even has it's very own "Top 50 symptoms" page!
Just add a pinch of fear, rumination and hyper vigilance to the mix and TMS can run wild.
And run wild has it ever! I have been experiencing through the roof anxiety and practically every symptom on that long list, all exacerbated by some real-time full on life stressors. Well, I had most of those before and had been doing well working through the TMS lens for 5 months. But then they all got thrown into the MS bucket. All of them. Wow, imagine that.
Except one, which became the key to seeing the truth.
Hmmm, wait just a goddam minute. I know too much now. "Well, if this isn't MS, what else isn't?!"

So, after 7 months of unraveling this hairball, clarity is arising. Sure I may have some lesions, and have made some lifestyle adjustments to support my body in dealing with this, but I definitely have TMS and can cure myself.

Having this awareness doesn't make it easier, actually I am finding it very challenging, just in different ways. Most days feel like 1 step forward and 2 back. Apparently I still think there's somewhere I'm suppose to be getting
In doing the TMS work I have discovered what big emotions I have! Not always easy to feel, and sometimes it seems the well of rage is bottomless. I do feel like I am working with the truth of what is though, rather than only flailing about in fear and ignorance(although there's still plenty of that!), and I am experiencing tangible results, which feels reassuring.
Lately it feels like I have always kept one hand on the edge of the pool but now I have let go and swum to the deep end. "Sink or swim baby! Dig deep within to keep your head above the water. Maybe you'll even learn to swim one day."

I believe that 90-95% of what I experience is TMS and whatever I experience as a result of MS, the TMS work helps with anyway. So it all comes back to being with whatever is

I want to acknowledge that I have the best neurologist and clinic I could ever imagine asking for. After researching all the pharmaceutical options and deciding it wasn't for me, I was preparing to have to advocate for myself but it wasn't required. He didn't suggest drugs, and in fact said that for me the risk was not worth any possible benefit.
He made no prognosis either, saying "I don't know where I will be in 10 years so how could I say I know where you will be either?"
Like angel wings wrapped around me. I walked out of the appointment smiling ear to ear, feeling held and safe. Imagine that! Their support as been such a blessing.

So too these forums. I just want to say thank you to everyone here for being you!
Thank you for listening to my tale xo

 

Thank you so much Jan. Big cyber hug to you!