You get what you think you deserve

@Duggit said this today in another thread, “What you get is what you expect.”

This has me thinking about something I’ve been keenly aware of lately. To get better, I’m going to need more self love, more self esteem. If I don’t believe I deserve to get better, I’ll just sabotage my progress. I’ll sink down and accept my TMS. It will serve as a punishment for me. It will be what I expect for myself.

Lately, I’ve been focusing on forgiving myself for everything I have been holding against myself. I wasn’t really aware that I was doing this. But I have been. And it’s a lot. And also, most of it’s unfair to be holding against myself. Forgiveness is a profound way to love yourself.

And also, I’ve been writing out “I love you” every day on a sheet of paper multiple times (filling a whole sheet.) It has proven to be quite interesting. I honestly think that a slow change is taking place deep inside.

I need this change to make things happen. I need it to defend myself. I need it to improve things in my life. I even need it to make sure I don’t neglect myself. All of these things still need improvement on my TMS journey.

Has anyone else noticed that self love is a key part of making progress toward healing?

 

Yes, I've often heard that self love and self compassion are like the foundation of recovery and I believe that is true (I think Rebecca Tolin often mentions self compassion in her videos). I'm also trying to be more forgiving towards myself (and others). From a video of Dr. Rebecca Kennedy I've learned that compassion (towards oneself and others) is important to finally let go of the feeling after exploring it by e.g. journaling (she calls it "feeling and resolving the feeling").

 

Yes, for sure. Picturing my 5 year old self, what I would say to her, how I would hug her, helped me cultivate self-love toward my present self. I also think doing this work is the ultimate self love, even when I take 5 minutes each night to close my eyes and let whatever emotion come up from the day.

 

For a time Rebecca Tolin was my TMS coach, and she suggested and offered a few meditations where forgiveness was included with self-compassion.
For myself, it was doing a Kristen Kneff meditation that was absolutely profound. I needed someone to tell me none of any of the things I've gone through was my fault or that I was never being punished, because I grew up with a parent who's idea of love was correcting, criticizing or punishing you for things not done "perfectly" (which was a variable that could never be met). Punishments were never those of horror stories but this method of parenting creates some pretty anxious people pleasers just looking for unconditional love, and people who take everything ever done to themselves or anyone they love as something they have done "wrong". Shame becomes a giant shadow that keeps following them around.