editrix

One day, when my mother was dying in 1991, I was lifting several heavy volumes in the university library and felt my lower back "go out." It seemed obvious that it was a physical injury. My mother died a couple months later, and the pain continued for about a year and a half. During that time I tried physical therapy, acupuncture, massage, craniosacral chiropractic, and somatic psychotherapy. (Psychotherapy over the next 12 years helped me a great deal for other reasons, as did Zoloft beginning in 2000.) At some point I read an article about Dr. Sarno in New York magazine (?) and bought one of his books (Mind Over Back Pain*, I think). I set about trying to treat myself, though skeptical that it could be done just by reading a book. At the time, there were only one or two practitioners in the country besides Dr. Sarno, and I didn't live close to any of them. I made some progress, but a year later I was still taking Motrin, using a back support pillow in my car, etc. I went on disability for a while, but arguing with the insurance people over my claim was almost worse than the pain. One day I took some time off from work to drive down to southern California (from San Francisco) to visit a friend. In a bookstore in Ojai I found another of Dr. Sarno's books (Healing Back Pain) and read it immediately. When I left to drive back home a few days later, I removed the back pillow, didn't take so much as an aspirin, and did the 8-hour trip without a twinge of pain. This convinced me of the TMS diagnosis, and I recovered almost completely after that. I would have brief episodes (always lasting 3 days) occasionally but did not fear them. I wrote Dr. Sarno a letter to thank him, and he wrote an encouraging letter back. Cut to November 2016-March 2017. I was so angry about Donald Trump's election and ensuing debacles that I could feel myself trying to push the feelings down—just as I had when facing the void of my mother's death—because the power they seemed to have over me was scary. In March I began to have pain in my left leg (not sciatica), started taking Advil and Excedrin, and was able to dull the pain for up to 12 hours at a time. The efficacy of the drugs is now wearing off, and I have to take them every 4 hours or so. Without them, I can't stand the pain (or so I tell myself). Of course, my fear magnifies the pain, and I can hardly do anything that requires standing or walking. "Knowing" this must be TMS isn't helping, so I am taking the online recovery program offered on this site to hopefully resolve it. *During my recovery from back pain, I had a dream that featured a book called Mind Over Brain Pain.