Erbear

I was always told I was a bit too sensitive in my dysfunctional family. I learn to stuff my feelings. I left home and thought that was the end of it. But, I soon learned that the symptoms followed me. I went to counseling and did learn a number of tools. I got benefit from it all. My symptoms of TMS were minimal for many years by later they began to get worse.

In 1997, I developed sciatica. I read Dr. John Sarno's book. But did get back surgery. It didn't really click just yet. I then got a case of diverticulitis as a 37-year-old and learned that surgery was a good option. I then focused on my stomach and what I ate. They found a carcinoid tumor in my appendix. I got anxious about this and wanted to prevent something worse. So, I went to a naturopathic physician and nutritionist. I was told I had food sensitivities - gluten, dairy, sugars. After this, I developed more IBS symptoms.

Only in hindsight and when I put this all together, I realized I had a number of TMS symptoms. I had a year of headaches as a 10 years as I was teased and avoided going to school. My senior year, I developed a duodenal ulcer during a very tumultuous time trying to break away from my family. I have had the following: Sciatica, back pain, hip pain, TMJ, IBS, headaches, and getting squeamish around issues with severe health issues. Emotionally was on the anxious and obsessive-compulsive side. I tended towards perfection, over-functioning, "being right," and being a "goodest." I am a Christian and where my faith is a source of healing it also got affected by my dysfunction and TMS affected my beliefs and practice. Today, things are better.

I began to see the light a bit, but never really pulled it all together until I read the books and saw the videos about TMS.

I developed TMJ after a dental procedure. After some massage and many trips to the dentist he referred me to an oral surgeon. The surgeon said, "Oh, 80% of these cases, they just go away on their own." My pain immediately went away.

Here is a similar story. I developed a frozen right shoulder. I went to a physical therapist who had special exercises and an apparatus that was attached to a door to help me stretch it. It was so, so painful. But into about 4 sessions of this, he said to me incidentally while I was doing my exercise, "you know, a lot of these shoulder things go away on their own." I said to myself, then why am I doing all this? It went away! Without the exercises! I can't remember how fast it went away, but it was pretty fast and I haven't had problems since. By the way, I do believe in exercises and physical therapy, I just also believe in TMS as the cause of a lot of my physical troubles.

I had developed terrible indigestion and bowel issues. After my surgery, I think my stress went to my gut. Doctors told me about this but didn't tell me what to do about it. I also think that as a therapist, I would have had better answers. I tried a number of things, which helped a little: mindfulness, NLP, hypnotherapy and other types of therapy. But deep down I still looked for physical answers as the pain seemed so physical to me.

I went to well-intended naturopathic physicians who suggested I had candida Albicans, allergies to gluten, sugar, yeast, mushrooms, -the list went on. I got nervous just thinking of eating. I felt better not eating. I went to a NAET practitioner who was trying to desensitize me to these foods. This was also the beginning of me thinking, that my body/mind/soul had developed trauma reactions to these foods and the thinking is very similar to how to treat TMS. My daughter and I would have arguments during the dinner table. I also didn't take enough time to eat and digest my food as a busy therapist. I would eat something quickly and then sit and listen to my client's challenging life. Today, I try to have a 2-hour lunch.

I tend to over-function. I pay the bills, look after my son and daughter for issues with college. I plan the vacations, look after car repairs. The list goes on. My wife is a good wife, she just doesn't do as much as she could and I have had a lot of resentment towards her which thanks to Dr. Schubiner, Fred Luskin (Forgive for Good) and Dr. David Hansom I am making progress. It seems that recovery from TMS/MBS has not only helped me with my pain but my life in general.

I developed plantar fasciitis which was odd to me. What could I have done to injure my feet in this way to cause this? I had been walking on them without pain for years. I started down the path of looking for the right shoes and insoles. I do believe what Dr. Sarno says about how we teach ourselves to continue to have pain by doing all the physically-based therapies.

There were times where I only felt good about 3 days a month. And I really did. I was practically jumping for joy these days. I tried to figure out what the recipe was for these days. What did I do? How could I figure out what made the change? I couldn't. I had a lot of anxiety and I would be hypervigilant to look for the specific exercise, cream, ointment, essential oil, or acupuncture that "made things better." I had looked for the specific food, probiotic or digestive enzyme that would fix my digestion and it didn't work. I tried breathing and relaxation exercises which helped some. I went to the internet and looked at videos by physical therapists and did their exercises. It kind of worked, but I would then get a relapse of pain from the exercise. I went to the chiropractor weekly at $45 a week and it was adding up. I believed that my pelvis was rotated and so I got a little OCD about sitting correctly, getting in and out of cars. I didn't want "to lose my adjustment." I also was OCD about the foods and a lot of things. I now realized that this was part of the problem.

I then developed the narrowing of the esophagus. I would eat, but my food would sometimes get stuck. (by the way, it helps to slow down, chew my food and rest and digest it, which I was too busy for that) My mother had it and I was beginning to think it was hereditary. I now have changed my thinking to see that it is psychologically contagious because I tend to be a sensitive sort of person and empathetic. I worried that it might be cancer and my physician suggested the endoscopy. I can't remember whether my throat was tightening or actually the opposite when I was driving to the appointment for this procedure. But I knew this felt psychological to me and I thought it was a bit humorous. The doctor said I was fine. But 2 weeks later, my back spasmed to the point where I decided to get an MRI. I was nervous as it had been 21 years since my back surgery. My mind imagined tumors, stenosis, and more herniated disks. I was really afraid to get the results. My chiropractor looked at them and said, it wasn't all that bad. I went to my physical therapist and he said, "well, it is something you have to contend with."

My wife had developed Thyroid cancer and we took trips to New York City to get a second opinion which was a really good thing. I didn't necessarily enjoy the trip on the plane, the train from New Jersey into Manhattan and really feared that my back would snap at any point. Was it going to be while I was unloading my luggage from the overhead compartment after sitting for 5 hours? I had a lot of catastrophic thinking.

But I also did this every day. Getting in and out of bed was a trigger. Putting on clothes was a trigger. I worried about getting off and on the toilet as I might get stuck with back spasms.

I providentially grabbed a book off my shelf in the office to read on the plane. It was the book, "Paradoxical Relaxation" by David Wise, Ph.D. I had tried to read it, but it wasn't the right time. I could stop reading it. I was realizing that my stress and anxiety and pain were made worse when I tried to make them go away. He referred to Dr. Sarno who I was aware of. I then read Dr. Edmund Jacobsen, Progressive Relaxation and realized that I had chronic muscle tension. He suggested that lack of oxygen going to these muscles back in the 1930's. I remember what Dr. Sarno has said. The light bulb began in my head began to get brighter.

I practiced his exercises and noticed some relief. Dr. Jacobsen back in the 1930s suggested that people think they have food allergies when in reality they are so stressed they aren't digesting their food. The light just got brighter. I began to see that my back pain went away when I had digestive problems. When I had back pain - my stomach was better.

I listened to Dr. Sarno on YouTube. Then I watched the documentary, All the Rage. I read and listened to more of Dr. Sarno's books. Strange thing happened. I would have such bad back pain in the morning. I would then read a little or listen a little to the books on Audible. I would feel better. I am a trained hypnotherapist and yet this was different. They were putting all the pieces together made the difference. I then listened to Dr. Howard Schubiner and then to Dr. David Hanscom. I then abandoned all physical approaches. I figured I was doing them for years and how would it hurt to just let them go and do this for a while. Well, I started to feel better. I was so happy that I felt that if all I got out of this was feeling better, it was a blessing. Then I learned about expressive writing. This helped a lot. I was pretty amazed at what was happening. My pain went away and I didn't think about it much. I saw the emotional connections I hadn't before. I learned a lot more about how the pain channels and neurocircuitry gets built and how it needs to be detoured. I learned the connection between that anxiety and the anger/bitterness that I had built up.

I went on a spiritual pilgrimage to Scotland traveling on a 10-hour long flight. I was not in pain. I got off the plane to then take a 3-hour train trip to the Western side to the island of Mull. I was tired that night, but didn't have much pain. I then spent a week hiking and going on bouncy boats in the Scotland seas and traveling in hiking boots. I did have some pain, but I did this. I did this without any special ointments or back support devices. I had some anxiety and night sweats and nervous thoughts, but I was in a good place through it all. Spiritually, I was learning to not overthink things, but to feel and trust more. To accept things as they are and to change what I could.

I was working with Andy Bayliss a coach for TMS and got some great tools from him. Having someone who is compassionate and how has had TMS is really valuable.

I came back and for a while, I realized that I could do a lot of things without fearing the pain because I tackled the feat of going the 10 day Scotland pilgrimage. But, I also realize that if I don't do the emotional work or expressive writing, my symptoms come back. It is like a detoxification that I need to do every day. But I also believe that this is just not getting rid of something (resentments, over-functioning, etc) but it is learning something new and building new neurocircuits in my brain. I think the title of the book, Unlearn Your Pain by Dr. Schubiner is really a good title. I am really unlearning something here that has been with me for many years. It takes time, but I am getting benefits every day. Because so many people struggle with TMS/MBS, I believe word needs to get out.

I continue my journey and look forward to learning what I can learn next.
Thank you all so much,

Erbear