grateful_mama

I picked up Dr. Sarno's book, "Healing Back Pain" in the lobby of my apartment building earlier this year...it caught my attention because I have "a bad back" (I've "thrown it out" a few times) and I am a big believer in the mind/body connection. That very evening my back went out for the first time in nearly 2 years (after I yelled at my husband) and I found myself in bed all the next day. This is/was particularly devastating and terrifying because I have a new baby, who was 2-1/2 months old at the time. I, of course, needed to be holding her, caring for her, picking her up and carrying her for much of every day. I've also developed a bad case of tendonitis in both hands, and it had already been very distressing that I almost couldn't pick her up to feed her in the middle of the night, due to this extreme pain in my wrists (and suddenly, my back!). I, of course, cried a lot, out of fear, and thought I'd manifested my own back pain, since I had just grabbed that book...but then I started to read it and my entire perspective changed. And, indeed, a friend suggested that actually the universe (God?) had placed Dr. Sarno's book in my life exactly when I'd need it most.

I decided that day, in bed, that I would heal myself, and this pesky (devastating, debilitating) back pain forever. It was the first time I'd ever heard I should actually get up and move and not shy away from the pain. It won't do damage! Well, the first day the pain was too severe, so I rested in bed and my husband stayed home from work and handed the baby to me whenever she was hungry. But the next day, I tried to pick up the baby quite a bit, and forced myself to push through the pain, and not be afraid. I had been doing acupuncture session for my wrists, but as that wasn't helping anyway, I stopped going. Tried not to take ibuprofen for my back, though I did take one muscle relaxer and I used some topical herbal pain relief. It was incredibly empowering and enlightening to hear that there is nothing structurally wrong with my body. (Of course, I haven't seen a doctor for an exam, but I firmly believe I have TMS, as I am a total perfectionist (and slight control freak), and have many of the TMS symptoms.)

Years ago I was diagnosed with OCD, and I took medication for that and anxiety for years. I also was periodically depressed, and often stressed and overwhelmed. I've had "bad feet" (plantar fasciitis) and a bad back for at least 15 years, and when I was working full-time I'd often get headaches and backache, and occasionally tendonitis from computer work (I thought). I also throw pottery, and my back pain has often shown up after working in the studio. It makes being an artist awfully painful. I worked as a graphic designer in NYC for years and found that the meds helped with my anxiety, but then one fateful day I finally threw my back out completely - was in bed for days - and was told it would now happen more easily and often. It's gone into spasm like that 2 or 3 times since, and now this latest incident. I've gone to a few chiropractors, but could never really afford it.

(A note: as I was reading the book, my instinct was to Google Dr. Sarno and TMS...and find out if this was real or some scam. But I refused to let myself. It rang so true to me...and since it was all about knowledge and belief and the subconscious...I wanted to let the information sink into my brain for a couple weeks before Googling. I was afraid of reading a zillion disgruntled negative comments that might throw me off, even if the process had started to work for me. So I waited a few weeks and then I gave in...and discovered this forum. Hurrah! I was so psyched to find a supportive, positive community, and many more success stories - not to mention a forthcoming documentary. And he's still alive!)

A few years ago I decided to go med-free, and since I was moving to California, it seemed appropriate to get all hippie natural/meditative. So, I basically did a big cleanse of all medication, but since it coincided with moving across the country, getting engaged, finding myself jobless, and desperately missing my family and friends, all the changes culminated in the most awful, horrible case of adult acne you've ever seen. And I never even had acne as a teenager! My face looked awful. I basically hid in my home for months and months. And then started on a journey of trying to meditate more, do more yoga, and went down the very long, twisted rabbit hole of seeking and discovering food sensitivities and allergies, while experimenting with alternative or eastern methods of eating and healing. I believe food allergies/GI problems may be the next en vogue TMS manifestation, and that will be my next thing to tackle, as I currently avoid many foods to keep my skin clear, my digestive system moving, and my anxiety at bay.

But anyway...for a few weeks I've been reading Sarno's books, meditating when I can, and doing affirmations. With an infant, it's tricky to stick to any sort of schedule, or to find time for myself. So I've done what I can, and my back pain is much diminished, but my wrist pain is lingering and will not stop, and my back periodically gets a little worse and then better. I also have some shoulder pain/tingling that started in late pregnancy and hasn't gone away completely, though it comes and goes. The back and foot pain also comes and goes. Most of this coincides with physical activity, which seems logical, but now I know that the pain isn't necessary. Stupid TMS.

I know for a fact that everything goes more smoothly (mentally, physically) when I meditate...it's just been hard to stick to it. I'm also a fan of journaling. So, I'm hoping that this program will give me a bit of structure and some accountability and encouragement. I've already journaled several times over the past few weeks about possible sources of hidden rage...and as I love to play psychologist of myself, I have all sorts of theories. But I'm not sure how I'll know when I've hit upon it. I know from doing the work of some self-help books last year that I have tons of fears and insecurities. And perfectionism is my middle name. But there are also some possible childhood traumas or experiences that may be contributing. How will I know? There are so many possibilities! And to me, they seem endless and obvious, yet nothing so precise as to be THE ONE. Maybe, in my case, it's dozens and dozens of built up stressors.

I welcome any suggestions, help, encouragement, tips, etc. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this community!