HPJM

It started in October 2013, almost two years ago from the time I am writing this (September 2015). I was an avid weightlifter, 20 years old, and was enjoying life at university. One day I was doing the overhead press in the gym and I felt a sharp pain in my shoulder. I started to worry pretty quickly because I was in great shape, was strong, and the gym was a huge part of my life.

The pain didn't go away. It moved about, came on randomly, and whenever I tried to exercise. I saw a physiotherapist, who massaged it and did a battery of tests, concluding that I didn't test positive for anything. She said should heal in 6 weeks. The exercises she gave me didn't help.

The months went by and nothing changed. I was stagnating in the gym. I saw another physiotherapist who again found nothing wrong, and gave me some exercises, which didn't help. I saw my GP who again said there was no problem.

I tried everything. I stopped working out. I did self-myofascial release, I did hot and cold water therapy. I did stretching. I changed my diet. I did every rehab exercise and mobility exercise under the sun. I read The Healing Code and did the Egoscue Method. I rested it. Nothing worked. Around this time I got elbow problems, which came on and off. I got increasingly fearful of activities like helping my dad move stuff, doing sports or swimming, and carrying shopping. I gave up kickboxing. I saw a third physiotherapist, and again, nothing found problematic, and the exercises I followed religiously didn't help.

Almost a year after I went to America for a few months. I used a personal trainer online who specialised in sports injuries, which cost me hundreds of dollars. After doing the program for two months nothing changed.

During this time I was doing some leg exercises in the gym that he recommended. I was doing the sumo deadlift, and I felt a twinge in my outer hip. I began to focus on that and the symptoms in my hip worsened. I got pain when I was walking, going up stairs, or exercising it. Even warming up set off the pain.

I dealt with it the same as the shoulder. Doctor said there was nothing wrong. SMR didn't work, nor did changing my diet or doing mobility, flexibility or strengthening exercises. Resting didn't change anything.

My shoulder still bothered me at this time, taking turns with my hip. By that I mean that one out-shadowed the other at any given time.

My shoulder bothering me again, I then saw an eminent orthopaedic surgeon, a shoulder specialist, who had operated on Olympic divers.

I had an fMRI with contrast. The MRI showed a potential posterior labral abnormality. The physical tests from the surgeon indicated lower trapezius and serratus anterior weakness. But it was unclear if these weaknesses were the result of a pathology which caused the pain, or were causing the pain themselves. I didn't know at the time that there could be a psychological pathology like TMS which had the potential to cause the irregular movement patterns and the pain.

The surgeon told me that even if the MRI was accurate there was nothing to worry about. He referred me to a physiotherapist, the fourth one, and again, nothing was found problematic, and the exercises didn't help.

Months after, my hip was getting worse. My shoulder was the same. I began to get afraid to lie on my hip, and did exercises for it almost every day. I worried about daily activities or anything that could make it worse.

I saw another orthopaedic surgeon in the UK who thought I had a posterior labral tear and was keen to diagnose it arthroscopically. I was very close to accepting but felt deep down there was nothing wrong.

At this point I had resigned myself to what I thought had been permanent. I was almost beyond frustration, in a place of numbing apathy. I had spent tens, if not hundreds of hours reading about pathologies on the internet, theorising what I had wrong with me. I bought many books about pain and treating it as a physical cause. I thought I might have lupus, Lyme disease, or juvenile Rheumatoid arthritis. I thought my joints were inherently weak. I was worried my spine was misaligned. Instead of viewing my body as the strong, healthy, adaptive organism which I thought it was (and I know it is) I felt brittle, and scared to test it's strength in any way. I felt like I had nowhere else to go, I had tried everything. I wanted an active life, yet worried I would have to forfeit this birthright.

Around July 2015 I was working in Spain and was thinking about becoming a doctor. I typed something in to Google like 'western medicine fails' in frustration at my problems. I found an article mentioning Sarno's Healing Back Pain. I googled his other books, hoping to find one about shoulder and hip pain, and bought The Mindbody Prescription. I was extremely sceptical. (The books aren't really similar, other than the fact that they refer to the mind as something that could heal.)

Sarno's theories made sense intellectually, but on a gut level I remained a sceptic. I gained some relief from reading it 4-5 times, but not a huge amount. I wanted hands on stuff to do, rather than knowing about the concepts. I then found the TMS wiki. Doing the journaling exercises on here, reading fresh perspectives, watching the videos, and also reading about more success stories began to convince me on a deeper level.

I reached a milestone when the pain disappeared completely when I was working out. That caused a deep shift in my beliefs. For the first time in two years I could do what I loved again. The idea that it was TMS was impossible to ignore: if it was just a placebo, the other treatments would have worked. But here was something that was working consistently.

Since then I have been getting my strength back, and in more than one sense. Journaling about my past, my personality traits and current stressors have made me more aware of who I am and how to deal with my problems. I have become more emotionally resilient.

So I think TMS has been a gift. The more you accept it, the more the pain goes away. I still have fear, and pain some days, but I understand that I haven't let go of all the fear. Other things, like my chronic seasonal hayfever and dust allergy have disappeared without even trying, as well as my thigh numbness that I developed after an operation.

With TMS knowledge and understanding are power, they are both the medicine and the cure.