Mika

Since spring 2018 I was all of a sudden dealing with frequent onset of different symptoms which appeared and disapeared in short time frames (like vertigo, blurred vision, panic attacs, migraine, alcohol intolerance) I started looking for holistic and alterative help already by then, but the real downwards spiral for me started in Summer 2018 when my right eyelid got infected with a stye eye. This turned into a permanent inflammation and after three month a doctor diagnosed me with Blespahritis and Sicca syndrom on both eyes. Apart from the pain for me this was especially devastating because it meant that I had to stop working in the profession I had loved for over 20 years because this involved being able to wear contact lenses and wearing make up. So I slipped into a really depressive state and withdraw myself more and more from the world. I´ve never been a believer in just taking meds and throwing eyedrops or any other pharaceutic stuff at symptom intead of searching for the underlying cause, so I started to dig deep. I began a two year long therapy and turned every stone about my past and believes, and yes my therapist insisted that there seems to be lot of deep burried anger, but I just couldn´t find a way to discharge this energy, no matter what he suggested and I tried (screaming in the car, hitting my poor sofa, writting down everything I was furious about...) it never brought any release, meanwhile I felt like drowning in inner stress and tension.. In March 2019 I discover the work of Joe Dispenza and began to really try to get into a meditation routine and envision myself in a helathy future etc, but the inner feeling of being constantly pluggend into an electric dose didn´t stop and my senses got more and more allert to every outside influence.(especially noises). I went to lots of different alternative practioners, did special diets (like medical medium) took tons of supplements and everything, but this only seems to get worse. I had professionals check my home and after one of them mentioned that it could be due to the high electronic smog in the city I moved to the countryside (and separated myself by more and more from my old surroundings and most people and got lost in a kind of hermit mode). I meditated and went on to turn every stone in the body mind direction (and tried every kind of "Whoo whoo" to heal my eye lids and find relieve from my depressive mood.
In march 2020 After three month living really withdrawn in my own so- called "healing bubble" out of nowhere I woke up one morning with an inflamation in my vagina. I went to the gynecologist and she just did, what doctos like to do, and precribed me antibiotics (which like mostly led to fungus, so she precribed me meds for it too) So to cut a long story short, after three month hopping between antibiotics and Anti fugal cream, not ony my whole vagina felt like a mess, the inflammation lingered and had by now caused structural changes, meaning tissue grew unremovable together. I went for a secound opinion and got a really devastaing diagnosis from a doctor who did a two min check telling me it might get worther and worther and I should put cortison now on it or the rest on my live and should avoid wearing tight trousers and any activities which might stress the sensitive parts and that there are women wherer all the private parts would have grown together completely... After this doctor visit I layed in bed for a week with great pain and was so depressed that I started to fanatazise about ways to kill myself...but gladly there was still this part of me, who was against throwing meds at symptoms instead of digging deeper, so after a few days in agony I went back to searching for "another truth" which led me to articals about vulvodynia. I went to see three other gynecologist, where two said that they can´t tell about the grown together tissus but that they don´t believe that i would have the serious skin illness the former doctor mentioned. So now I started to search fpr a solution to heal with the new diagnosis vulvodynia (ps, for thouth who wonder the blepharitis was still lingering, but the vulva pain was so much more consuming, that I stopped researching on the eye issue, for meditation brought some relieve so I could at least be pain free when wearing glasses)
Looking for a way to heal my vulva pain a stumbled over the work of our all godfather John Sarno. When first reading the Body Mind Precription, I managed to reduce my vulva pain enourmously, but it quickly returned, because of the tissue issue, which was my daily reminder that my structure down there was irreversable damaged and every time would I try to wear a trouser I was in so much pain, that I slipped right back into my depressive state. By now I felt like being of no "use" in any form anymore, for my old career had gone and now even my old self esteem of being a desirable woman went out of the window. So I started hiding from the world even more, but life has a funny sense of humor, so it presented my out of the blue a man, who ask me to marry him after only dating sex weeks. The first two weeks of being newly in love seems to work wonders again on my vulva pain and I even started to hope that I would have conquered the pain (even though the structural damage was there) but just a few weeks later the pain kicked back in and got stronger and stronger, mirroring the arising stress that came with blending into a new relationship with a man who had so much baggage and sticking stones, that as quick as the love bombing started, it all fell apart. Going through the emotional trauma of this rollercoaster, by now the pain was through the roof and I started to experience compelete vaginal dryness, which was even more fuel to the fire of pain. So there I was, hitting completly rock bottom emotionally and physically after how everything went down so quickly and the final seperation of the relationship triggered my deepest early separations wounds. ( this is the perfect moment to give a huge shout out to Steve Ozanich - whos book I purchased at this low point and who emphazised what a big role fear of separation mostly plays in TMS - PS Steve if you by chance read my post, thank you for your capuring and FUNNY relatable writting style, your book is my bible) Anyway there I was feeling defeated, unbearable lonesome and like a failure in life with my vulva reminding every step along the way, that things weren´t supposed to be like this. So I started to pick up the pieces and focus on meditation again, but the depression and fear that I would be doomed forever got so strong that I didn´t know how to find sense in going on with my life, that i finally decided to pull the last "joker" and checked in a psychosomatic clinic for two month hoping there I would find some relieve or at least learn a strategy to accept my symptoms and conquer the depressive thoughts. Quickly I had to realize that everything that was offered there I already had done on my own for the last years, like meditation and therapeutic talks and music therapy ect. So when I came back home I felt even more lost, because I had the feeling I had ruled out all options.

I had a short but strong episode of coccyx pain which I managed to resolve , but shotly after my right heel started hurting. First it was only when I woke up, where I could sense a sharp pain on the spot where the heel had contact to the mattress, but in short time I developed a Haglunds heel and now I can feel it also in shoes. From the TMS books I for sure already knew the heel pain was super common for TMSers, but having now also the bone changes (Haglund) I again started doubting if this could only be TMS. I didn´t had any logical reason why all of a sudden I would develope a Haglung heel, for I haven´t done any sports or anything the would put more pressure on the heels, so my only explanation ist that maybe because of all the vulva pain, which led to my butt and pelvis being in constant muscle tension, that this has shortend my tendons to a point where the foot joints where no longer taking it.
Recently I started seeing how even my knee joint on the right side has changed it position and is now looking out when sitting. And by now this right leg ist falling asleep easily...

So to sum up my post. I managed to get my dry eyes to a point where they don´t hurt when wearing glasses, my eyelids are not too swollen anymore, but due to some glands atrophy not like they used to be, my vulva tissue is damaged and brings on sometimes more and sometimes less pain episodes and right now the heel pain and Haglung is all consuming me and holding me back from wearing shoes...
Thank you for reading this long text. I love the whole TMS approach and I deeply believe that it is definately the fuel to the strongness my pain symptoms, but I can´t help but wonder if my pain really can be resolved completely by TMS approach, if there are all this sructural changes envolved. (The grown toghether vulva tissue, the grown out bones in knee and heel, the athropy of my glans in the eyelids...) I would be super grateful for your thoughts and especially a testify and succes story of anyone who has experienced complete realse EVEN WITH ALL THE STRUCTURAL things.
They are the reason why I don´t dare to just go and live and ignore the symptoms because I can see physical the changes and everyone is telling me the especially the Haglung might only get worther if I don´t strech all the time and avoid normal shoes.. (PS everytime I tried to ignore the bump and just tried sleeping on my back again the morning after it was even reder and more swollen and it seems to start on the other side now too. I would deeply appreciate your comments and experiences. All the best Mika