rlong98

Grew up a child Of young adults in 1975, a brother 2 years older than I. Stern grandfathers, and sensitive/fearful women.
I had an uninvolved father who worked many jobs to provide and in time my mother had to work as well, in which grandparents would watch my brother and I.

in time I’m was never favored p, I couldn’t swim, I was afraid of a lot of things (still don’t know why) - strangers, talking to adults, I had derealization moments as a child, scary dreams, asthma. I did horrible in school! I was easily picked on.
My brother hated me all his life. As a kid I was tormented by him, beaten, whipped, mocked up until my Age 23 when he got married and moved. While at the time I had a 3 year girlfriend that was majorly toxic! I wanted out of that relationship within the first year... but I stayed because I felt it was rude? Or I felt bad to make someone else hurt? Both...

At that time I found Bible Truth and found a purpose and suddenly I was not as afraid, more fear of displeasing God - I broke up with my X (she called it when I got religious)
And from then - I did College, Trade School - got a Corporate job, promoted very quickly.
Yet had a desire to do more ministry. Torn because growing up I was told I would amount to nothing and only secular success would prove such, yet doing more spiritually would call for a more simple life. So I did both!
tried to pursue marriage but she gave the ring back and needed 3 more months? But me - I’m a 1 strike you’re out. Yet I held on dating when I didn’t want to. 7 months later we broke up thanks to therapy - and I did it! So hard.

By 2010 I was on top! But 2 Full Time worlds were about to collide. I wanted a girlfriend it felt it would never last so I denied love.

The end of 2011 I made a mistake that I felt was the end of the world and no matter who tried to help me lighten up,
. Nothing helped, I’m in a spotlight when I wasn’t. I started to take away the allowance of joy. Realizing not many things were in my heart anymore but just running on autopilot with no heart. I lost all joy in my favorite things (guitar, animals, water, dance, hiking, ministering)...
I climaxed 2016 - cardiac ablation, Xanax. (Yet between this one person said something that I felt Healed! All joy returned! It lasted 4 weeks ish, and then I Tried to date and did it wrong and I ran. Wrong in my version. Then because the Xanax withdrawal was making me insane again, or was it? I got episodes of Agoraphobia, Derealization, Insomnia was growing, pain.
I had a roommate who was hard to live with! He is a con artist in a way. You can’t help but love him, but never expect home chores or rent.

I couldn’t work anymore, I was freaking out, slamming my laptop down in overwhelming panic. - Oh and then I was smelling a majorly fowl Oder in my Apt the last few months of 2017, I can’t even explain but I’ll try (rancid oil, dead squirrel, urine, electric wire burn). Olfactory hallucination? I was apparently the only who smelled it. But only in my apt and clothes. Even later 2018 I smelled it in the storage locker - so maybe it is real. Haven’t smelled it since, after cleaning everything. Yet A lot of mold was found in my apt!

End of 2017 I moved back home with parents (trailer), I couldn’t shop, drive, minister anymore. Thinking of work made me so overwhelmed!

I got Into the accident actually on December 2017, (1mon off BENZO’s in my new car) and I had chiropractic care, (on an unstable neck) while going through a benzo withdrawal, insomnia and going through a natural path he felt I was getting a slight feeling of getting better in April 2018. But I got an epidural in my neck in May and ever since then I’ve been on the worst downhill spiral!

While I was going through withdrawal in 2018 my best friend Jen died in April of cancer age 45.

Parents then bought a house for me mostly. We moved and I did function some, started to build a shed, a new bedroom- but with many ups and downs, days I couldn’t function - like head pressure more than pain. Then in Aug (4 mon later) my other Best friend Walter died age 42. Yet I couldn’t feel or mourn entirely. I couldn’t console anyone. I was so tensed up internally over my own life, I couldn’t function. And now feeling guilty for not being able to help people spiritually which gave me more guilt. (I know - not Christ like but I’m OCD)

at that point I felt they had a CSF leak, I would go back to thinking it was Benzo withdrawl, then it started to feel like an aneurysm or stroke or maybe even multiple sclerosis. Which I unfortunately still think at times. many ER trips.

i’ve had multiple scans and showed many herniations in my neck and thoracic and lumbar.

My main symptoms became head pressure, neck pain, pulse in my right ear, left Eye degenerating, queasy legs/weak. I had only a few episodes of neck/face burning! Red and lasted 10 min.

my neck clunks, with possible diagnosis of cervical instability. Whereas yes I’ve had many head injuries, bad posture being 6’4”.

Currently I’m in excruciating distress, with head pressure neck pain feeling like my brain is being squished with Pulsations all over my body. Now I think maybe I have Lyme disease.

The hard part with cervical instability is it’s hard to find. Even though I was told I have retrolesthesis which is instability. But now my spine is getting worse, my legs feel weak-ish and wobbly. I have more symptoms but I’ll spare you the rest. Gotta rest, I feel very weird. (11:48pm 11/1/19)

It’s now the next day... After watching All The Rage Last night, it’s hard since most people have only a “pain” or “rash”
I have what feels like a brain tumor, aneurysm, and stroke all in 1 ready to go. I’ve felt sort of this before and it’s more intense than my first Sarno experience which was only back pain.
I’m rather terrified because this is new and I’m forgetting what I’m supposed to do. “Be good to yourself”? Our TMS brains are not well equipped for that. It’s like my brain wants me to stop loving and will make it happen by any neurological means, and I have no say.