Layne

My TMS story…
My family has recounted my being a worrier for as long as I can remember. My Mom bought me Native American “worry dolls” and gave me “worry stones” as a child. I have always been an over-achiever and I was very good in school up through undergrad. Graduate school posed a unique problem, about which I will explain shortly. I have always been concerned with being liked and presenting myself in such a way that others might admire me. I loved the look on someone’s face when I told them about my many amazing accomplishments. I also have a very hard time leaving the house without makeup.

My very first memory is of my Dad beating my Mom; the second is my being frightened beyond belief by a loud storm, while my Mom stood in the doorway watching and me cowering into the couch. My home life as a child was very chaotic and abusive. Though others have it much worse than I did, it still wreaked havoc on my fragile psyche. I have always been very sensitive and caring; traits which my Mother unwittingly exploited for as long as I was unaware. Unable to care for herself, she made my sisters and I responsible for her happiness and sense of self. It was always “look at my beautiful daughters,” and “my daughter is getting her Masters…” From a spiritual perspective I understand that she did the best she could with what she had, but from a psychological perspective, I am still angry with her for putting so much pressure on us – even though I know she did not know what she was doing. She had also used my sister and I as pawns in a game of custody and my Dad has told me of the many times we would be visiting him but crying about how our Mom needed us back home.

I have also always been a perfectionist but I don’t see this trait as wholly negative (am I being delusional?!) because I believe it has attributed to my success thus far in life. Hmmm now that I am thinking about it, could perfectionism be connected to OCD in some way? And while I was the explosive one in my teens, previously (though I do not remember) I believe I was peace keeper and mediator.

As previously stated, anxiety has always been a part of my life. I wrote my thesis on it, in fact. It did not become a big issue until Grad school, however. In June 2010 I left my husband and WHAM!! the anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. Our marriage was very unhealthy and in addition to “normal” stresses and strains of married life, we had also experienced a very traumatic and violent shooting 3 years prior, that left him a paraplegic. So my life was turned upside down in a matter of minutes and aside from a brief period of shock, I picked right up and began to care for my newly disable husband. Within 4 months I had gained 40 pounds, which should have been indication enough that something was amiss, however, I was so devoted to my husband that I did not notice. I did not deal with the shooting, but I did go out of my way to try to make him feel better every day. I danced for him, sang for him, was silly…because I thought “he needed a pick me up more than I did.”

June 2010 – I finally decide to leave and the moment I get on the plane to visit home, I get the worst bout of diarrhea (apologies!) that I can remember (this, along with several other events in my life involving bodily functions have been very traumatic, linking up with feelings of shame). And from that day forward it has been a whirlwind of stress, anxiety, adrenal fatigue, stomach upset, avoidance, IBS, chronic fatigue, etc… It wasn’t until I began therapy in July 2011 that things began to get better and I am happy to say that I am MILES from where I was and thank god for that. In February 2012 I began seeing a Naturopath and have resolved the worst of the IBS; but it has been replaced with other things, I think.

Since I was 16 I have struggled with bouts of IBS (severe pain, bloating, gas, diarrhea, etc…), usually under stress, as is usually the case (at this time in my life I was also known for my raging, sometimes violent, outbursts of anger). Around the age of 21 I began showing OCD and a short time after that I started having panic attacks, though I have only had a few.

Currently I am still struggling with a bit of IBS, food sensitivities, anxiety (maybe depression as well), imbalanced hormones, adrenal fatigue, chronic fatigue, insomnia, heart palpitations, tinnitus, and various aches and pains in my knees, feet and back. Wow, when I write this all out, I sound like a mess!! Under the care of an allopathic doctor I had a colonoscopy/endoscopy, various tests for my heart, blood tests that were all normal (though according to my Naturopath, still way off,) and the like. The only thing that was found was some mild gastritis in my stomach.

So here I am. I have felt for some time that the rest of my symptoms are psychologically induced. My therapist is a cognitive behavioral therapist and has no background in talk therapy/psychodynamic approaches so when I bring up the idea of the subconscious I get a blank stare. I have no doubt that she has learned about it somewhere along the line, but her specialty is ACT therapy and while this has helped me a great deal, this is deeper than radical acceptance.

That was long.


People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

- Jim Morrison