HealingNow

In January 2025, I had a skiing accident which I hit my head and collarbone. I already felt pretty guilty about this accident because my brother was annoyed at me for being able to go and ski, when he was looking after his daughter who was 3 years old and was not enjoying herself. I left them to ski because i so desperately wanted to and we’d spent all this money on a holiday and they were both angry and upset that I’d dragged them to something they hated.

That injury healed fine, but then in March I fell off my pony whilst being a bit childish and silly and playing with him, riding with no tack, doing some fun jumps like when I was a kid. I felt so stupid for falling off when for all intents and purposes I am a good competent rider. When I fell, I instantly blamed myself and was so mad with myself for being so stupid. This was the start of the TMS. I didn’t go to the doctor and reassure myself that I was ok, because I was so fearful that I’d get told off. When I was a kid, we didn’t have much money and all I ever wanted was a horse. I got my first job at the age of 13 cleaning out a woman’s stables, by 15 I had 3 after school and weekend jobs working in pubs and shops. I saved up enough to buy a horse at auction and it went against what my mum wanted. My dad encouraged me a lot. I remember one day though so distinctly that my mum said that if I didn’t spend enough time with the horses she’d sell him. But I was struggling to spend enough time with them because I was working all the hours to be able to afford him. She also saw that I fell off him a lot, which does just happen when you have horses! I actually lost that horse to a very traumatic injury, but I processed that ok when I was young.

Fast forward to an adult, when I bought myself two incredible ponies. They’re lovely, and safe and everything about them made me feel safe and supported, especially as I have a difficult relationship with my mum.

I think in a weird way, the playing with my pony brought me back into my childhood mind that day and when I fell, I was so scared that someone would take the pony away or blame him when it was my fault for falling. I wouldn’t go to the doctor for fear it would stay on record that he should be punished for my mistakes. But not going to the doctor made me Google, and Google, and Google. I went down a spiral of learning about all the terrifying long lasting injuries you get from repeated concussions. I read that Occipital Neuralgia never goes away, I read that whiplash associated disorder is one of the leading causes of disability. I went to the nuerologist, PT, Osteópath, had MRIs and CT scans, took all the nueropathic pain meds, etc etc familiar story until the pain management doctor gave me a steroid injection and a nerve block. It worked for about an hour until my fear ramped up again and the nerve pain came back.

If you haven’t already worked out, prior to the injury I had severe anxiety. I had that ever since a kid. And was working through that with a therapist but never really got anywhere because I deflected quite well. Earlier, in 2024, I also lost my childhood dog, she was 18 and I never felt love and grief like it. I think my vulnerable inner child came out big time. It was no wonder I was going to get TMS.

Anyway, a number of months later I bought all the chronic pain books and became annoyed they weren’t working on me, all while believing I have structural pain.

Now, I’m trying to evidence to myself that this is TMS, even writing this story is evidence that this is TMS. What I’m struggling with though is how it feels like a nerve. Our bodies are incredible. However, I have a feeling this might be the best thing that happened to me - I don’t think I liked who I was before this pain - I punished myself over and over until I achieved more and worked harder, I never gave myself a chance.