silentflutes

Childhood - stammer - flaw easily visible, mocked, alone to find fix.

2009-2014 - challenged me to heal stammer at any price. intense online reading. No success

2014 - Muscle spasm at right shoulder blade while washing my clothes. Frozen, tight knot - constant discomfort 24/7. Why did it happen at that time? There were 4 strands of intense things going all along my life - which was emotional in nature and was previously causing stammer - but at that moment it got beyond repressible limit so for protection, body created physical outcome - spasm.

Strand 1 – stammer since age 5 - Need to hide and not let anyone know at any price - need to be perfect and MUST heal quietly quickly secretly. Never succeeded. Always in intense constant fear to keep secret – shame of my flaw & guilt, weakness of unable to heal.

Strand 2 - poverty & family - killed all needs & desires early on due to lack of money. cursed my parents for giving birth without necessary resources. hated poverty.

Strand 3 - self dissatisfaction - could not reach to better place abroad even after being bright student. here, manually washing clothes outside of house (roadside). Failure. anger, guilt.

Strand 4 - recent events - 1 month before spasm, I had motorbike accident .1.5 months before spasm, I fainted/black out for few seconds while going out with one of my friends. These made me crippled with fear of death that for couple of months I was terrified to get out of room.

Went for checkup. Osteopath suggested posture management, physiotherapy, and muscle relaxants. I took it and did physio with ultrasound heat. The muscle relaxed completely for 30 min - 1 hour and became tight again. The tight knot moved directly to the back of the neck and had buffalo hump. Very dark patch of skin over the hump. Went to skin specialist as well.

Read Sarno and Ozanich's book. Felt myself in pages and huge burden off me and relief for some hours after I read book. Slowly, the tightness came back. I tried yoga, exercise, journaling for few days and left due to flare up of pain. While trying anything, felt other one will work.

Other issues appeared - To ease neck tension, TMJ/Jaw tension started - I move jaw continuously throughout the day for temporary relief. Tight throat and stomach knot. Fever and hot body - when fever muscle spasm subsides. Itchy skin. Foggy head. Lethargic and energy drain. Neck spasm is baseline issue that is permanently always there. Other issues keep on happening in cycle. I was looking for permanent solution but ended up in whirlpool of swirling issues going on and on.

2015 - 2016 Trash away muscle relaxants and medical documents. Felt modern medicine does not have permanent solution. When I would be reading different books, I feel as if that is the one solution that works. If it was about emotion, I felt managing emotion heals. If it was posture related book, I felt answer was posture. Sometimes I felt all are interrelated - needed to fix root cause -so spirituality and spiritual process - yoga, meditation. Read intensively all spiritual books (Eckhart, Buddhism, Sadhguru). Feel peace while reading them. When pain flares up - confused, in doubt what to do or not to do. Frustrated why have not I healed by now.

2017-2020 - Read TMS wiki sometimes, book sometimes, podcasts sometimes - somehow moving life ahead with daily clicking jaws, neck and forcing myself. With different whims and moods, I do different things - yoga, journal, re-read books or just ignore but no concrete results yet.

2021 - I understand healing modalities and how similar & interrelated they are. I do not know how to turn my understanding into reality. Doubts and confused. Plain flare up seems to block whatever I initiate. Not sure what works yet. Journal, Yoga, TMS workbook or just not caring?

That is my journey. Any suggestions?