A few things to note/ask

Hi all,

Just journalling here a little and have a few questions.

Firstly, I'm really proud of myself.

- I'm in a pain flare, and I've not been scared (for the first time ever and I'm not testing the pain today). I'm actually just sad, and I know I'm sad for the first time ever. Genuinely unreservedly sad. And i'm so proud of myself for recognising it instead of burying it.

- I've booked into Psychotherapy starting tomorrow and I've actually finally stopped Physio (as of last week). And I'm going into it instead of being a victim and looking back on everything I didn't get as a child, and everything that was taken from me as a woman, I have acknowledged it and I will not let it define me. Instead, I'm looking at how I can move into my future with genuine excitement.

- I smiled yesterday I think for the first time in about a year. And it was genuine, all I was doing was walking down the street on my lunch break and I felt happy that the sun was on my face in the middle of winter.

- I handled an incredibly challenging situation this weekend. My most challenging relationship, which makes me feel the most unsafe was ignited. Instead of handling it how I normally would (letting boundaries be broken, accepting the damaging words as facts and being sad that I'm a bad person), I shut the conversation down. There was a point that I was being criticised for not giving money and being told that if I don't there's no "love or respect" and I responded with "I'm going to end this conversation now as it is not something that I'm readily accepting" I hung up the phone and my husband-to-be told me he was proud of me. Normally that would have sent me into an emotional and anxious wreck but we laughed together about the absurdity of being treated in this way. I came to the realisation that I have chosen some amazing friends who are so incredibly supportive, and I'm grateful to my upbringing for recognising dangerous/unsafe people from brilliant ones, because the love and admiration I have for my friends I think outweighs the emotional and physical dangers I experience(d) in my family. And so, I just wanted to journal about how proud I am for the grace and space I gave myself in an unsafe conversation.

The question I have is:

Does the pain "quality" in TMS change? I think my TMS brain is testing me today... my pain is always in one place/spot but it feels different throughout the day, sometimes a sharp electric stab, sometimes tightness, sometimes like that lump in your throat feeling but in the back of my head, sometimes just loud "noise", sometimes pressure.

I'm just trying to add this to the evidence list... that the pain quality changing is a TMS symptom as I think I read this somewhere but I can't find it again... and just wanted some reassurance for my list!
I'm just trying to add this to the evidence list... that the pain quality changing is a TMS symptom as I think I read this somewhere but I can't find it again... and just wanted some reassurance for my list!
​

I've been reassuring myself a lot more recently so have been on the forum less, but when I come back here for me now I know its a sign that my unconscious anxiety/fear is going back up...

Lastly, I'm adding a quote I like in case anyone likes it too:

"Faith and fear both demand you believe in something you cannot see. You can choose."
- Bob Proctor​

 

Yes. As your TMS is on the run it will begin to try anything to get you scared again. This is good news. Keep doing what you're doing. You're doing great!

 

Y

You're doing so well! What a pleasure to read

In terms of the evidence, yes that can indicate TMS. I will say too though my pain (and the pain of many other people who have recovered) was always in the same spot and didn't move (although now that you mention it the sensation differed slightly), so don't let that cause you doubt if the other evidence is strong!

 

I think my “Tms is testing me today” takes the spotlight off hard feelings.

I am also in a flare. A million reasons. My symptoms are scaring me. I don’t like being in a flare. I don’t like dealing with hard feelings. However, things come and go. I try hard not to judge myself, my healing journey and my “success” and give things too much weight, beyond what you have already noticed (emotional stuff) and that it’s ok to feel it in the body.

 

Congrats on your great victories, @HealingNow! You’re doing great! To validate you—yes, my TMS symptoms do all sorts of crazy unexplainable changeable things.

 

I came to the conclusion today that "healing" is a journey I love being on. And healing and "healed" are two different things. I'm no longer seeking out "healed" because I know that if I am truly "healed" that my journey of betterment will stop - which I never want to happen. I think my pain has been trying to tell me this, stop seeking the person that was damaging herself. That doesn't mean I'm not seeking out being pain-free, but "healed" meant to me going back to the person I was before and I truly and genuinely don't want to be the person before (for the first time ever I've stopped chasing her).

My new therapist is an ex-chiropractor. He stopped doing adjustments when he realised that 95% of his patients weren't getting better through the manipulations, but were putting their trust in him - I'm hoping we are going to be a good fit for each other. I also like his medical knowledge of symptoms as he can reassure me as the pain comes (whilst we are talking) that I'm doing the right thing!

I also had some low back pain yesterday, whoop whoop, stuff is moving around! Problem is, that doesn't scare me as I never injured my back so it goes away almost instantly as I laugh at it... but more evidence at least! I wish I could get to the point that I laugh at my neck... one day!

Lastly, I've got a new technique for MBS which has been helping. Every day whilst I drive home from work, for the last 5 minutes I listen to a podcast called "Dad Jokes", and I laugh at most of them. I then take one joke, and before I say anything to my other half, I relay one of the jokes. And he wholeheartedly laughs and I love him for it.

Instead of the usual, coming home from work with a migraine and crying and instantly needing a shower and spiralling in my thoughts, I have 5 minutes of dad jokes. Simple I know, but stupidly effective.

So here's one for you:

"Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize. Because he was out-standing in his field"

My favourite so far!

 

You are a joy to this forum! Glad you’re here @HealingNow. ❤️