A new realization

I had another one last night that I just hadn't thought that much about before, even after having all the Sarno knowledge. Inside the people pleasing is a need to be liked, common for TMS, but it was truly living incessantly in my head. It occurred to me that I was even working to make people like me who I don't even like. I constantly rework conversations in my head for better results and plan future encounters.

And then I realized, to what end? If I don't like someone, what is them liking me going to accomplish? Why do I care so much and refrain so often from saying what I really think? That all comes from being picked on a lot growing up and conflicts leading to violence toward me more than once in my life.

So it's an avenue to work among many. Time to stop giving a **** about people who don't for me and being afraid of being honest (within reason). I know it won't happen immediately but at least the thought is there.

 

“I was even working to make people like me who I don't even like.”

Yup. That was me in a nutshell. For whatever reason I had my conscious self convinced I “had” to like everyone, they had to like or tolerate me.. (except my sister.. I’ve always felt some level of dislike from her, which she pretty much confirmed this year and it’s never been a big deal)… I even felt like/love for my abuser.
Once I recognized it all, there was a freedom to dislike freely, and even easily completely separate myself from folks I liked, but who were abusive to me. There’s been drama, but now I don’t much even care about that, I just walk away from it.
Interesting to see what else happens for you. My comfort level with being alone or making new friends increased dramatically after this.

 

I struggle with this too so much Rusty. I don’t have much of a reliable social circle, so I’ll often find myself keeping my thoughts/opinions to myself to avoid rocking the boat, but sometimes shit just needs to be said lol. It’s something I really want to work on. I can trace it back to trying to appease my parents who would fight, thinking it was up to dysfunctional me to keep the peace. Eventually I just started retreating into myself and my room. But now I'm an adult and I have more power than I like to believe. I think it’s a big missing piece of the puzzle for me, especially since my main symptom, TMj, keeps me speaking freely, almost like my brain giving me an extra excuse now to not speak my mind. But I WANT to speak my mind now, I just need to work up the courage to do it. I’m also such an avoidant personality type and facing conflict/confrontation is so necessary to addressing that.

 

Loving this conversation! Rusty, you are hot right now! Look at the stuff you’re digging up! This is the good stuff. And see how we all can relate? I sure can. I take it one step further. I make myself think I like everyone. Even when it is so incredibly obvious they don’t like or respect me. But inside—my subconscious is screaming, “Are you serious?!” It’s like I can’t bear not to be liked/loved. So I pretend that people do. It’s really sad. But I’m learning. And I’m starting to accept what’s real. And I’m starting to speak out about things. I feel more true to myself. And I think that’s a huge missing piece to my personal dignity. Learning it, courtesy of TMS.

 

dignity is the perfect word to describe what I lack. At least in my interactions in person with others. Yes Rusty, thank you for starting this convo, because while this idea has been on in the background it is very clear they I need to take some major steps to rectify this, so that I can gain back some dignity. What I hate most it that my desire to avoid confrontation will have me passively agreeing to things I detest, essentially making me a liar and a hypocrite.

…and then the people who truly do care about me, I’ve ruined relationships because I was unable to have hard conversations. Shit sickens me.

 

Ugh! Ouch. Yes! That hurts to hear. And so true.

 

It’s hard to feel you can’t say what you really need to say. So you just live with things. Maybe your jaw won’t work so you don’t have to face the scary stuff. So you won’t have to feel how hard it is to say… and to face the consequences. What are the consequences? People aren’t happy. Oh well. Now it’s their turn to share the load. Cuz we haven’t been happy for a very long time.

 

100% Diana.

I care too much about ‘ruining’ relationships that aren’t really giving me anything, not that relationships should be one sided, but hopefully you get what I mean. But the truth is being real is how you become close, and maybe that’s confrontation some of the time. And maybe those confrontations lead to you realizing a relationship just isn’t worth maintaining. I’m surrounded by superficial relationships and my soul yearns for more. Arghhhhh, I wish I learned this lesson years ago.

 

I believe you’re going to get it!

 

Something I've learned is that when people don't like you it's usually because you remind them of someone who 'did them wrong' in some way in the past or is 'doing them wrong' in the present (you may just look like a bit like that someone or sound a bit like them or have similar mannerisms) or they're jealous of you in some way (even though they may seem like they 'have it all')... or they underneath it all feel inadequate in some way and are looking for others to help 'complete them' (because they don't feel whole) and you simply don't fit the bill (because from your behaviour and/or demeanour they consciously or subconsciously pick up that you're not going to provide them with what they need). In other words they have a load of psychological crap going on that you are not responsible for and can't do anything about, even if you wanted to.

 

Very insightful. Thanks!

 

@BloodMoon
My last therapist used to say that my unhealed inner children are interacting with other people’s unhealed inner children. And it’s not a pretty picture. Makes me think of the Beatles’ song, Eleanor Rigby (All the Lonely People.)

 

@Diana-M I think she was right, it isn't a pretty picture. However, once we see what's going on, I've found it's a relief of sorts to not feel that we have to 'over' second guess ourselves in relation to why some people don't like us or are unkind, unpleasant or indifferent towards us. We may well have our own psychological difficulties going on that require attending to, but if we can kind of take a bird's eye view and see that we've behaved reasonably in relation to others, we can feel okay about ourselves.