After 17 years of being pain free...unfortunately...I'm back

SO,

I used to come to the "TMS forum" 17 years ago. I was successful at ridding myself of pain in 3 months, after 4 years of excruciating pain. I did it after discovering Dr. Sarno.

I left it all behind when I got better.

After 17 years of no pain.....I am back. Very disappointing. I was the "Expert" at TMS. I beat it so well I thought it would never return. I even "mentored" a few people on personal phone calls. I thought of all people, I would not be the one it would return to.

So it's been 3 days now. The old feelings and sensations are definitely TMS. I know this all too well. I know what needs to be done.

I just wanted to say hello because mostly I feel alone, again, like I did so long ago. I know that if I "beat" this once, I can do it again. I just didn't think it would come back, but all the signs were there. I didn't recognize them until it hit...in the way only TMS can. And so here I go....with the old "Friend"

 

It's like the Simon and Garfunkle song. Don't worry, this will pass quickly! The key is to make the emotional link... a sudden uptick after 17 years has to be emotional. What was going on 3 days ago?? When you figure that out and resolve whatever you're experiencing from within, the distraction strategy will be disabled . There may also be something going on for you in your day to day, that requires some kind of action from you (resolving an inner conflict or letting something go, or setting a boundary for ex.) It's either a distraction or a message imo.

 

I know what needs to be done. I'm already improving. As I said I am good at "TMS work". Just shocked it came back, but not shocked at all. And ALLLLL the signs were there.

Thank you.

 

@JTinLA,

Hi there! I’ve noticed that quite a few of the seasoned warriors on here fight off recurrences of TMS now and then. It seems common. I think once we have TMS (we have the capacity for it) it can always creep back. So don’t feel bad about it. You can make it go away. @JanAtheCPA and @Baseball65 both talk about it a lot. You might want to check out their content. (If you feel like it, stick around and give some of us newbies your advice. )

 

I will try, but I remember that I "took on" other people's pain when I tried to help. It was a bummer. I had to completely walk away from you guys, and it sucked.
I really would love to help but it seems I'm maybe not cut out for it. I will think about it though. I seem to have a better understanding of it now and I'm older.

 

Oh gosh! Don’t risk yourself! It’s nice to hear you have successfully healed. That’s inspiring in and of itself!

 

Well, the good news is that if you went 17 years on one recovery w/o a relapse, you probably aren't as 'cooked' as some.
I Imagine you're recovery will be measured in hours and days rather than weeks and months.
I have been 'recovered' for 25+ years, but I still get about a thing a year on average...usually in the neighborhood of 3-5 days, so negligible in the larger scheme, but enough to keep me doing the thing.
I've had 2 this year..One the first week of the year and one about 6 weeks ago? The most recent one was really scary because I have never ever, even back when I 'believed' been in that kind of pain...

It's like the tortoise and the hare..I am the Hare I guess. I keep thinking 'Oh, I got this' and I go and play baseball, work hard being a tradesman and a pirate and then stop paying attention to the rage inducers "I'm OK...that doesn't make me angry at all......OOOOWWWW!"

and like you sound, I get embarrassed, because I feel like I should 'know better' and after all of this time. One of those "Physician , Heal thyself" moments.
..and just to extra humble me, the same thing works...over and over.

-peace

 

Yeah, this time for me is different. I'm having more "doubts", like I "did something" but I actually had nothing. No injury, just maybe sitting too long. But I went years doing that. (I'm a music Producer and Engineer and own online retail shops)
And I'm watching so many videos now and obsessing. I know that's not good.

I watched the TMS move around though. Switch legs. Go away. My back and sciatica even release with a thought. So all the evidence is there.

I'm hoping you're right that I will be able to do this quicker.
It's weird because when I was free of TMS, I didn't do anything to keep "maintenance" and it stayed away. But I had signs it was there for the past 3 years. And now the TMS is screaming at me, so I think I went too long with my guard down.

As I'm typing this I'm at a level 6-7. It's been so long since I've felt this. I really hope I can figure this out.

 

I highly recommend some really get down dirty ugly journaling about rage inducing topics in your life that seem obvious. And then explore all the areas of your life that you just swear to yourself are going great. There might be some denial going on there, and underneath it all, you’re really angry. Your subconscious already knows.

Don’t worry. You got this! You can knock this out soon.

 

Jan, you are such an inspiration!

 

When I have those, I always do a couple of things and so far, they have always worked.
1. I get out the book and start at page one and go through it and scribble down anything that shakes loose a thought of my current situation.
2. I write down lists of stuff I am angry and stressed about consciously...they get pretty long...In keeping with Sarno, I work from Inside out...That is, the people closest to me who I am not remotely angry with get the most attention. Sarno said "when it comes out of nowhere, look close"
3. When I am alone (usually driving) I intentionally lose my sh!t out loud and with gusto about the stuff I am aware of being angry....and I add any new discoveries I make.
4. I usually call one of my Bro's who understands this deal... we ask each other questions. i don't need to find a new answer...I always need a better question, because it is always something I overlooked.

that last relapse? The only 'aha' I had was that I had agreed to work on a weekend when truth be told I didn't want to....I not only had to miss a Baseball game I had been looking forward to, but I also was dependent on my old laborer who was Late, distracted with his phone and slow... but I can't get mad at him for social/family reasons...I was angry that I needed the money . I was also angry w/the client who promised me he would clean his house (I am a painter/carpenter/plasterer) and left it a shambles for me to clean.

Nothing exciting. Nothing earth shaking. I just fell asleep pretending to be a nice guy (I am not). One of the members on this forum gave me a call and talking with him shook loose all of that, of which I was NOT aware.

The only 'new' thing was , I thanked the TMS for being here... "I appreciate you trying to help me..now get the F-out!". No 'self love' or 'self compassion' or any of that fancy stuff.... I am usually pretty harsh and I subscribe to the old Sarno 'pure' rage theory...and I usually get better really fast....

I imagine you're gonna get some other unsolicited advice.....that can be on the list too!

-peace

 

@Baseball65
You actually always give yourself some love and compassion in your own way.
When it comes to doing the work, you put yourself first. You get to the meat and potatoes of it all and my friend, there’s some self love in that! Allowing yourself to feel the anger and just let it out is a form of self-love!
Compassion comes in when you are not judgmental about yourself. You know it’s just the TMS mechanism, and don’t beat yourself up. This time you actually thanked it because it always reveals your true self, which allows more self-acceptance and self love.

 

Funny you say this, because that's exactly what's going on.

And the "burning" that was in my legs all night.....is now in my right arm.

TMS is FUN!!!

 

My anger is unmatched. I've become a truly resentful and rageful person. I hide it well. I'm outgoing and I can pretend.

But I'm also a trained fighter, who grew up a street kid, with an abusive Father, and a lifetime of constant disappointments and failures and self hatred with PTSD

I have no shortage of "rage". And TMS is now reminding me that it was there, and had no way out.

So now I have burning legs at night, waking up with nightmares, anxiety attacks in parking lots after shopping, stiff lower back, pain in my jaw, and today....pain in my arm.

I REALLY got bad and I do feel that TMS "teaches" you something. The hard part for me has always been the "self love" part because I just feel like an overall failure. I truly hate waking up most days, tbh. I hate society now. I don't relate anymore and I feel trapped. I need to start acknowledging these things. Not to "dump" on the forum or take on a "poor me" attititude, it's just where I'm at.


ETA: My pain SHIFTED again....just after writing the above ^^^^^
TMS is a fking SHAM

 

I think just admitting you are rageful is telling your brain you know your true identity.
I just don't do that.
My PT who is beginning to understand all of this, had an excellent idea - he suggested when I am ready, to set up a boxing bag in the garage and to go at it a few times per week. Just get in there and begin, he said that it worked wonders for him after a divorce (and changed his attitude about himself, not that he had chronic pain, but he had a chronic attitude). He's a pretty calm and easy going guy, and very forthright, which he said is the result of that punching bag! While he's beating the holy crap out of it he can totally admit his angers and frustrations and just let it out.

 

That burning in legs at night is meat and potatoes for my TMS. And yeah, barrels of laughs!

 

I had it in my TMS before. I'm trying to laugh at it and say "Oh I see....so you're just gonna make me feel like I'm on fire? You're really going that far? *Chuckle*"

It's actually absurd. But I got rid of the "fire" within 30 minutes. And today my legs feel "cold", like water is on them. This whole thing is patently absurd.

 

No! you’re not dumping. Trust me. A lot of people got a resurgence of TMS over the last 4 years. We talk about it all the time on here. And if you’re of a certain age (60+) it seems to have hit folks especially hard because combined with the outrageous circumstances at large, 60 has been coined “the age of rage,” by @JanAtheCPA (I just love that, btw). So yeah. Welcome! Rage on.
Yes, TMS is a sham. And your history sounds like you’re a dead ringer for rage to bubble over and out via TMS unless you practice mental hygiene.

Funny side note: I told my 39 year old son that 60
is the age of rage. And he said, “Mom! Don’t tell me that! I’m already filled with rage!” (Hehe) You just wait, little boy!