Against odds, joy of being

Dear TMS-ers, I just wanted to thank you all for what has happened to me in the past few days.

When I joined this site about 7 months ago, my laundry list included all kinds of physical symptoms, but in addition to them, almost complete lack of emotions, conscious or unconscious that I supposedly had to resolve in order to recover. I posted questions on how to find my lost emotions, I kept looking - but they were gone. Instead, I had various pains, muscle spasms, hands and fingers refusing to work, insomnia - you know how TMS goes.... My prior history included chronic back pain, clinical depression, anxiety, severe migraines, insomnia with narcoleptic episodes, chronic fatigue etc.

Long story short, after months of talks with the TMS psychologist, dozens of books, both useful and useless, guided meditations and hypnosis sessions of various degrees of value, doubts and struggles, fears and epiphanies, journaling and posts here, I experienced something truly amazing.

Last week, I went backpacking in the mountains. It is one of my favorite things to do and it is a place where I usually feel truly alive. At my low point, when I could not touch anything with my swollen red hands, when I had excruciating fire ants crawling under my skin 24 hours a day, I had feared so much that my CRPS would rob me of this experience - but I was finally able to get myself to the point that I was ready to go.

My feet had been quite painful in the last few months as the symptoms had spread to the feet and ankles, but I still walked with the backpack anywhere from 6.5 miles to 9.5 miles a day. The most difficult day was 9.5 miles with 2000 ft elevation gain - and the pain in my feet just went away on that day! But the most interesting thing happened day after: symptoms in my hands were down 70% and feet were pain-free. Of course, day after everything got worse, but I had that amazing day which only re-affirmed that what I have is TMS and I am on the right track.

I am back to urban life and work. But this is what happened today: between the meeting and lunch break, the wave of anxiety came, then replaced by the wave of depression, but then I experienced the feeling of joy, the joy of being. It did not come from my mind, I did not think it up, it came from my body and I could feel it, it was real, vivid and endless! It only lasted for a few minutes but boy was it something!!!!!

My hands are still painful and tense, my fingers are very limited in a range of motion, but I know that if I really wish, I will recover.

Thank you all for your support!

Attached is the photo I took in the mountains to share with you.

 

Yep, Yosemite back country - enjoy! Thank you!