and then of course there is Suicide.

One of my closest friends from youth has committed suicide. From the information I was given, he could no longer stand his Back Pain..He had several surgeries and more surgeries. He would have brief periods of respite, followed by more pain. By my reckoning he was on number 5-7 ??? The last time we spoke he told me of another surgery coming up. He also had obsessional anger about being unfairly terminated from a job for being out due to his back pain.... a complete whirlwind of TMS turned into a Gordian knot of complications.

Yes, I mentioned Sarno to him and NO he never tried this to my knowledge.

Him and I were very similar. We were both 'Pirates' who came from pedigreed academic-type families. We were homeless together. We surfed together. We did drugs together. We even committed some crimes together. Then we got sober together. We Both got married and became concerned Fathers together.

He was my first friend to abandon the Pirate Lifestyle and go straight... got a 'normal' suit and tie job and was outwardly massively successful. He spent all of his free-time helping others to overcome substance abuse issues....THAT is where I Imagine the TMS is manufactured..... Completely hedonistic self involved outlaw becomes responsible altruistic, good father and breadwinner . A deepening gulf between the ID and the MOSES becomes too much.

His pain odyssey began in our early 20's..right after he went 'straight'.....Just like mine, I was just a few years behind him.

I had a a terrifying relapse in the spring and a member of this forum called me just to 'talk me down' from the ledge. I remember in the midst of the excruciating pain thinking "What am I gonna do? Go to the emergency room and tell them that my repressed rage about being a good citizen is having it out with my childish , self involved narcissistic inner child?" Just because it is true doesn't make it sound any saner.

If anybody reading this is ever feeling hopeless message me and we can get on the phone... I need you to get pain free because I might need to call you sometime. This is very much like AA in that the only person who is gonna get it is someone else who has been through the ringer.

This isn't JUST about getting out of pain. It literally is about your life which is very real....

 

Wow, Marc, I’m sooo sorry to hear about your friend. So sorry for your loss! Very sad. Terrible!

I also want you to know that your presence here on this wiki is felt by MANY. When I came here 7 months ago, I was consumed with hopelessness. I still get days like that, but also glimpses of hope. Your posts have been like beacons in the dark. Thank you for all you do here.

Personally, I’m going through a rough patch. The pain is just so all-consuming. Sometimes you just wonder—how can I go forward? I hope I can be here for anyone who needs strength. I haven’t been very successful at healing (yet), but I have this stubborn personality that won’t give up. I also wish I could save everyone who suffers this way— because, in the end— I do believe we are all here to help each other. A human “touch”—even virtually—can ease a tremendous amount of pain. This wiki has saved and is saving my life. I mean that.

 

@Baseball65
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I lost my best friend and a soul sister to a rare form of cancer, and it is very much part of my TMS. I think for many of us the constant feeling of abandonment and lack of control over it replays over and over in our lives. Your posts on this form often speak loudly to those who don’t “hear” the rest of us. You’ve certainly been a help to me.
I lost my cat suddenly and unexpectedly two days ago. Watching her brother, our only cat now grieve for his 9th sibling to die in his lifetime is eye opening and we have been a comfort to each other. I hope your pup can be your comfort in these times.

 

So sorry to hear this, my condolences. There is so much suffering and misunderstanding we all endure in this journey.

 

You are so right, @Cactusflower! I think abandonment is the ultimate root of it all. When in doubt what’s causing pain— it’s usually that. Every loss brings it up fresh. Especially a loss of someone special.

So sorry to hear you lost your kitty! That is severe pain. And your other cat is sad. That’s so hard. Big hug to you!

 

I'm so very sorry, @Baseball65. I too lost a close friend to suicide - none of his friends or family knew, because he never told us, that he had been diagnosed with manic depression; we didn't see any of signs of it and were totally shocked and devastated.

 

So so sorry for your loss @Baseball65 . I’m heart broken with you. May your friend finally be at peace.

 

I’m so sorry you lost your kitty. Sending love your way.

 

@Baseball65, I am so sorry.... Hard to imagine how it feels for you and his family. Sending you love and support.

 

I’m sorry for your loss! This whole TMS thing can be so scary and difficult to navigate at times.
I love reading your posts. They always give hope.

 

I think I can feel a liitle of your pain as my husband took this path. It is devastating no matter why they do it. I offer my Sincere condolences to you and his family. I love and read all of your messages because they teach me, calm me, and make me think. I too have times when I wish I could just end the pain but I can't do that to my sons. My husband already did. I look forward to your posts and look for them everyday. Thank You. Your a Godsend.

 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. I appreciate your willingness to share your loss and your pain with us, as it is always helpful to the rest of us.

 

Just wanted to add that I think this is a key point. No one can be helped who won't accept that they have a role in their own pain. That is key. Some people prefer to wear their pain as a badge.......of what?...not honor, but maybe righteousness. It's a statement of "I'm right to find this life painful". And suicide is the ultimate statement of this stance.

I wish I knew how to break through that.

 

I'm sorry for this terrible tragedy. My condolences to you, Mark (I think this is your real name, I'm not 100% sure).

I know how it feels, a very old friend (cousin of my husband), she was like a sister to us just a few years older than us, ...she did this to herself a few years ago. She left her two young daughters without a mother. It was a devastating moment for the whole family. Even my mom got terribly sick after hearing about it. My mother in law also had a shock and died and they resuscitated her. She went into a coma but after she came back she was not the same person. She lost parts of her mind, her rational mind, and became a different person. She died after a few months. Such a tragedy!

Stay with God, I know you are a believer. We don't know what's in the others' heart and soul. They might suffer and they never ask for help. If they could just ask...We can't possibly read their mind and that's the way it is. You have to accept it and let go. Let God. I know it sounds harsh now but you have to stay strong. Take care of yourself.

I'm praying for you and this man's family.

 

Thank you for your beautiful invitation and offer to connect for support.

I am very sorry for the loss of your friend.

I think I am witnessing the love that comes with loss, and this is beautiful for me to see in you.

Andy

 

I appreciate everybody's responses and input.

This was my 3rd friend to do this in just the last couple years. Of the three, only one showed any signs of mental instability.

I remember when I was struggling with a relapse in the spring, I was afraid to tell anybody anything was wrong because I didn't want to be a burden or a drama queen. It was only to a fellow TMS sufferer I could be totally honest . There is something about this work that inspires confidence in other people who have been through it.....I was even afraid to discuss it with my Doctor. What? And get locked up for being a crazy? Sarno was certainly right when he said our unconscious makes a command decision to have a symptom rather than a mental health crisis....It's less scary....and that is a scary thought.

I do know about the hopeless feeling that intense TMS can bring on. I don't think I have processed this yet, but I am not angry at him. Of course I am sad, but at least glad for him that he is no longer suffering. He was one of the strongest men I ever knew and I knew him better than a lot of people because of our shared trauma's. He endured this shit for nigh 40 years.

I feel like one of God's spoiled children because I got 'saved' from the same lot.....seemingly just by circumstance.

I see a lot of posts about 'Should I tell me friend about this?' (Sarno/TMS).... YES. especially for people who have suffered long. I can assure you I tried to tell my friend, but the other voices out there were just too much louder...we are a very, very lucky teeny minority, but I wish we weren't.

 

That is so hard! I honestly can’t imagine how sad that would be. And especially to lose this fellow “pirate” who sounds like a brother to you.

Gosh! I wish you would have told us! I think sometimes it’s hard to appear weak or you’re afraid to show that the TMS is temporarily getting you. But if all of us only show the bright side, that’s misleading. This is an ongoing battle. And not for the faint of heart.

100 percent!!! And we also BELIEVE each other and know this is real and true. This is TMS. And it can be cured or at least greatly diminished.

That’s so sad he didn’t believe you. And most of the people who drop by this wiki don’t believe you either.

So so true! And well said. We are blessed.

 

While I’m talking about hiding our true selves, I’d like to just admit that I like to show only my successes on this forum. My good days. My perfectionism controls these decisions. But truth is, I’ve been very blue. Like can’t get out of bed blue. I am blessed in that my faith is a really tight and firm parachute for me. I don’t think I’ll hit the ground. Though sometimes it feels like it. If I pray and seek God, Im always comforted. But sometimes the darkness is really really heavy and crushes me. I feel completely hopeless. I can only too easily picture how people with long term TMS want to just give up. Especially if they don’t have the hope that Sarno’s teachings give—and all else to be learned here from TMS warriors. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: What choice do we have but to battle on? This is the way. If you press on you’ll get somewhere. And if you haven’t yet, it means there is still more left to do. I’ve done a ton of work. It feels unfair that I’m not farther than I am. And I’m a big crybaby about that. But I’m also battling some pretty heavy issues with all my loved ones. There is a lot of pain overlaying my life, and a lot of stuff out of my control. My hope is to not quit. No matter what. And keep finding those places that I can control—and build on that. The little daily efforts. I think of so many of you daily. More than once daily. I cling to the path you’ve paved. I know from you that it’s possible. Thanks for listening. I have been in horrendous pain lately with more new places to hurt. I am journaling to find the open emotional wounds. My body is crying. I’m strong-arming my mind. This isn’t going to be a free fall of negativity. <3 I won’t let it.

 

Ah! The symptom imperative is hitting you hard, as it did me.
Hang in there my friend.
I wasn't even out of pain and wham, the symptom imperative of depression, anxiety, physical symptoms galore.
All smokescreen and mirrors - it's all TMS. Your depression is simply another symptom that is exactly what you tell yourself. Claire Weekes talks much about depression, being in a fog and a funk. Read just one paragraph a day for a few days and see if it re-instills the hope and helps you "see" what is going on.
I had a stressful week and am having some increased symptoms. Work deadline (well, now I know how much I FREAKING hate work deadlines and why I never had an office job!), physically demanding long hour job in a few days, dental work (I hate it!) and all the stuff that happened last week. It's all part and parcel of getting back to doing things and I know I can handle it all. I just have to get USED to the physical feeling of the stuff when it hits like a snowball rolling downhill at a fast pace.
Something that super helped me when I was depressed was doing some Kristen Kneff self-compassion meditations. She asks you to send love (you might prefer to pray it) out to the world. It really helped me get a sense of self, and how that without physically doing a single thing I could be a beacon of kindness to the universe and slowly it helped lift me from the fog (along with Dr. Weekes!)