Another Relapse

Hi there,
To provide some context, I will try to sum up my long history of TMS related pain and symptoms (mostly lower back) as succinctly as possible. I am currently 50 years old. The first case of TMS I can remember was in my late 20's. I can't remember everything going on back then but know that I had some credit card debt which was definitely a big stressor. I never really resolved the cause of the pain and lived with on and off back pain through my early 30's when I got married and shortly after had 2 daughters. During the time my daughters were around 1 and 2, I started to experience acute back pain. It got so bad at a point that I had to work from bed and could barely pick up my daughters. Like many people on this forum, I tried absolutely everything short of surgery to resolve the pain including physical therapy, epidurals, acupuncture, yoga/pilates, massage, painkillers, muscle relaxers, etc etc.

The pain got so debilitating that I decided to take off 3 weeks from work, stay at my in-laws in Florida and focus 100% on finding a solution to the problem. Not surprisingly, nothing worked and I felt worse. On the day before we went home, I saw a book on my in-law's shelf "Mind Over Back Pain". I read the book cover to cover that day in one sitting and realized that Sarno was describing me to a tee...conscientious, people pleaser, repressed anxiety and anger, stressed over new young family and running my own business, etc etc. Over the next day, I could feel massive chemical changes occurring in my body and has about 75% pain free...5+ years of back pain were almost gone after 1 day of just reading a book, it was amazing! With some journaling and additional work, I moved to 100% pain free in a couple weeks and was back to my old, active lifestyle.

Since that a-ha moment, I have had multiple relapses. Some with back pain but also wrists, elbow and groin. With each occurrence, it took me a little time to recognize that it was TMS, but once I did the pain went away. And with most of those times, I really just had to convince myself it was TMS and possibly re-read Sarno...my personal favorite is "Healing Back Pain". I never really had to do any journaling or extra work.
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago, I was going through a workout while staying at a hotel and about halfway through went down to the ground with acute pain in my lower back area. I initially attributed it to a lack of hydration (I only had coffee that morning) and tightness from a long drive the prior night. After the pain did not go away for a few days, I recognized that it was TMS. My strategy was similar to past relapses...just recognize it is TMS, "power through" some workouts knowing it is only muscle spasms, go play golf and not worry about it. Looking back, I did recognize that it was TMS but was focused on the "physical" of working out, stretching, getting a massage, etc. Now 3 weeks later, my back has not improved. 2 days ago, I realized that I need to start focusing on the "emotional". I have re-read many Sarno chapters, listened to a few podcasts from Nicole Sachs (who is great) and did two journal sessions.

I feel like I may have a little improvement today but my back is still pretty "locked up". This episode seems a lot tougher to resolve than in the past. I am sure that I still have plenty of repressed emotions, but my life in general is simpler and less stressful than in pas years.

Based on my story, do you recommend that I continue journaling or have any other suggestions? I feel like I really spilled everything in yesterday's journaling...I am not sure what else I can write about!

Thank you

 

“Less stressful” - are you thinking that TmS is caused by external stress?
It is psychological as Sarno suggests in his book, and caused by the internal stress we create: beliefs about ourselves and the internal conscious/subconcious beliefs, thought patterns, personality traits, striving, perfectionism and yes, repressing emotions around all of this stuff which triggers the nervous system.
Journal, do things you enjoy that regulate your nervous system, become aware of your reactions/triggers and begin choosing how you would rather respond to those things.
Start to do things you enjoy, even if it causes some symptoms. Send messages of safety that all will be well. You know it will be -it always is.. time and patience.

 

Thank you so much for the reply!
I haven't thought about external vs internal, but I will try to focus more on the internal stress as I read and journal.

Note - I have tried to return to my favorite physical activities of working out and playing golf, however, my back has gotten progressively worse where it is literally stuck and I physically can't swing a golf club. I keep telling myself (and truly believe) that there is nothing structurally wrong, it is just muscle spasms caused by TMS, but I just can't break through this time. In all of my past episodes, just the recognition that the pain is TMS has brought relief. I guess this time is just different and requires a different path. I will continue to read, listen to podcasts (just found Nicole Sachs and love her!), and journal with a focus on the internal.

Thank you very much again, and feel free to reply with any additional advice.

 

There is nothing wrong with backing off some of the physical right now. Why are you pushing and forcing yourself?
That is a look into a key component of your personality. Striving and pushing can activate the nervous system. Maybe it’s time to slow down right now. Perhaps your mind is asking you to focus on you for a bit (journal) while finding things you enjoy without engaging in a lot of stuff like striving, forcing, fixing or fixating on your pain.
Balance!
Do this work but balance it with engaging in enjoyable things, like simply being with family or playing a game with the kids. 5 minutes with your partner after the kids go to bed to talk about your day or to just hold hands. Call your best buddy. The absolutely 0 self pressure in life stuff.
Way to go on finding Nichole. She is a gem.

 

That is super helpful, thank you!
I was mainly pushing to prove to myself and my wife that my back pain is TMS and nothing else. I was also anxious to get back to the activities that I enjoy.

I am always trying to improve and be productive each day and didn’t want “fake” back pain to stop me. I will try dialing back, relax and just focus on internal me for a little while.

 

FOREVER

 

Perhaps also read some of the psychology books to help you with particular worries/sadness that you identify in the journaling. Good luck!!!

 

Jan, can you recommend a book on Existential Psychotherapy?