ANXIETY making me feel suicidal

nowa

nowa

Peer Supporter
I am feeing suicidal today, I have been doing the MEDITATIONS TO CHANGE YOUR BRAIN cd by Rick Hanson, ad when I WOke up at 3 am as per usual, I realised that I never have any positive thoughts and have no happy memories to fall back on, and the anxiety has grown and I haven't eaten or done anything except trY and find a positive thought, and i CAN'T.

MY PAIN SYMPTOMS ARE ALL COMING BACK, and I had hoped they had gone for good and all the other ones, the mouth tremor, The IBs, THE BLEPHARITIS, the tinnitus, the insomnia, the terrifyng anxiety, the inablity to write legibly, and the festinating gait are all worse or exacly the same. I GIVE UP!!

sorry about the capital letters, I can't be bothered to correct them
 
nowa said:
I am feeing suicidal today, I have been doing the MEDITATIONS TO CHANGE YOUR BRAIN cd by Rick Hanson, ad when I WOke up at 3 am as per usual, I realised that I never have any positive thoughts and have no happy memories to fall back on, and the anxiety has grown and I haven't eaten or done anything except trY and find a positive thought, and i CAN'T.

MY PAIN SYMPTOMS ARE ALL COMING BACK, and I had hoped they had gone for good and all the other ones, the mouth tremor, The IBs, THE BLEPHARITIS, the tinnitus, the insomnia, the terrifyng anxiety, the inablity to write legibly, and the festinating gait are all worse or exacly the same. I GIVE UP!!

sorry about the capital letters, I can't be bothered to correct them
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I am so sorry you are struggling. This journey is so tough!!! We will both get through this to the other side!!! Just give yourself a break and know it is a bad day and will pass. I had a horrible couple days (fibromyalgia and CFS) a couple days ago and feel so much more peace today even though symptoms have been tough. Learning the Three Principles (also called the Principles of Resiliency has been huge for me in addition to the emotional work and has really helped me recover from anxiety. Check out Nicola Bird and her podcast and book "A little Piece of Mind." If you read this post today she is offering her 6 week course for people with anxiety free of charge if you sign up today (5/21). I wish you the best!!! The emotional part is so important but the thought/beliefs piece for me has been just as important and that is where the Three Principless understanding has been so helpful to me.
 
@nowa you don't need to have positive thoughts...just notice your thoughts and try to be present. No one in the grip of anxiety feels 'positive'. That is pressure. Just try and float as an observer of your anxiety and trust in the process. I have been there many times. I still get anxiety. It does not abate by calculating happy moments, but rather by acceptance and observation and training yiur nervous system that you are safe. Check out Vacate fear on utube and Clare weekes. The goal is to hang in there because it always passes! Take care.
 
nowa, are you able to spend some time outdoors? It doesn’t need to be anything more than a garden or balcony, just somewhere that lets the breeze play with your hair and the sun or moon kiss your skin.

I agree with @Lonewolfbunny, this is not the time to pressure or criticise yourself but rather to simply be. Ease back and simply be in nature.

In another thread @westb referred to aspects of the lockdown that feel oppressive. I felt this earlier and was becoming a tad tetchy so my husband took me for a walk to the local park. It was hard going for him in the heat but it totally blew the cobwebs out and I felt much better afterwards.

Trying to change the mind with the mind is not always the sweetest of things so a little reset/reboot can make a lot of difference.

I’m not sure where you are in the world but if the weather is hot this can exacerbate anxiety because the body’s efforts to cool down correlate with certain anxiety symptoms. Essentially this means the weather can act as a TMS trigger and certainly other people here has wrestled with such things (and overcome them).

Be gentle with yourself sweetheart and don’t worry about the flare-up. We all have them sometimes. This will pass.

hugs xxx
 
thank you evsperi, lonewolfbunny and Plum, I will try all of your suggestions but I am very depressed at the moment...
Plum, I live in a small top floor (very hot) flat in SW London, there is luckily an old cemetery behind the house that i live in, although the entrance is quite a way away...it is packed with ppl at the moment, because it is the onl y bit of green for miles, but I managed to get there for a few minutes this afternoon... I used to stride there with no problems and walk around the perimeter before i developed walking problems, so there is no pleasure in walking there at the moment, the contrast is too great, and i cannot walk far when I get there, but it is my bit of countryside, and i picked a small amount of wild sorrel there for my supper...
 
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When depression is with us it feels permanent. It is not. Observe and accept the feelings just as you would pain or anxiety. Moment to moment. Breath to breath. Also try "fake smiling" and hugging yourself ...to trigger some physiological changes to your nervous system.
 
Dear Nora!
I am thinking of you today!
The above posts are so beautiful and accurate...thanks everybody....I am going to take that advice myself. !!
I know how you feel...I have also lay in bed planning how to go on when it seems impossible.....I love the above advice to just feel the emotions as a "watcher" .....by the way...my "Bible" beside The Bible...and Dr. Sarnos books is The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle....and he speaks of human suffering as "The Pain Body"...which for us TMS sufferers...it TRULY is a pained body......
The book is all about becoming The Watcher of the pain body...ie observe the pain and suffering then let it flow out the other side of you....
Just know we are all here to support each other and again..I'm thinking of you and will keep you in my prayers....please let us know how your doing ok?
Rene
 
nowa said:
thank you westb, lonewolfbunny and Plum, I will try all of your suggestions but I am very depressed at the moment...
Plum, I live in a small top floor (very hot) flat in SW London, there is luckily an old cemetery behind the house that i live in, although the entrance is quite a way away...it is packed with ppl at the moment, because it is the onl y bit of green for miles, but I managed to get there for a few minutes this afternoon... I used to stride there with no problems and walk around the perimeter before i developed walking problems, so there is no pleasure in walking there at the moment, the contrast is too great, and i cannot walk far when I get there, but it is my bit of countryside, and i picked a small amount of wild sorrel there for my supper...
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I also live in a flat and am four floors up. This puts me in line with the tree tops and today they are dancing wildly in the strong winds. Fortunately there is a little balcony which gets the morning sunrise and nightly moon and it makes the world of difference.

My guess is a house-to-flat conversion lacks the balcony and so I understand both the heat and the frustration. I once had a dear friend who lived in such a place and beyond the garden there was an old cemetery. I loved it. I love cemeteries. It’s been an age since I walked around one. They are very peaceful, contemplative ground. Have you considered buying a small chair to rest on? Something like a fishing tripod? My eccentric husband takes a plastic garden chair with us to the supermarket so he can rest when he needs to. I’ve seen someone else do a similar thing. It does make the walking easier and is actually rather endearing.

Rest as much as you can, and especially rest your mind. We all have to learn this and such a huge aspect of this calming comes with being kind to ourselves.

I adore that you are a forager.
 
@nowa, there is this technique called visualization. @Lonewolfbunny gave you a perfect advice. I know you had a hellish life and all reasons to have anxiety and depression, but maybe visualizing something pleasant like a walk in that same park during your meditation would take your mind off the suicidal thoughts.

Warmly,

TG
 
I think when you feel like you are in the abyss, it's not realistic tho think "happy" or "positive" thoughts. My suggestion would be to reach for a slightly better feeling thought and gradually work your way up the motion scale.....So if the thought is "my life sucks", maybe think of something you enjoy like a pet, or listen to music you love, or a craft or hobby, or call a friend, or read a good book, look at photos of cute babies. It can be anything small....I had a picture of a cute baby in my phone and when I was distracted by pain I would look or imagine his little smiling face. It actually helped as small as it seems. I would think about my grandmother who was a very loving person....maybe there was one person in your life who made you feel safe? I hope this helps a little. It does take some time but there's always a slightly better thought we can reach for.
 
unfortunately because i lost my baby at 6 months (because of prescribed medication), pictures of babies make me feel sad, all my pets have died (my last two cats died 2 years ago, and it was the stress of their last illnesses and the financial problems caused, that put the final lid on my TMS Symptoms
My grandmother was a miserable tyrant, etc etc... there is nobody in my life who has made me feel safe, my hobby, which I loved, was making ceramics which I had to give up 5 years ago, when fatigue and walking problems made it impossible to get to my studio, I haven't been able to listen to music for the last 10 years,,and reading has also become difficult. Which is why I don't have any happy memories to fall back on...I am sorry miffybunny, but I feel defeated again...
 
nowa said:
unfortunately because i lost my baby at 6 months (because of prescribed medication), pictures of babies make me feel sad, all my pets have died (my last two cats died 2 years ago, and it was the stress of their last illnesses and the financial problems caused, that put the final lid on my TMS Symptoms
My grandmother was a miserable tyrant, etc etc... there is nobody in my life who has made me feel safe, my hobby, which I loved, was making ceramics which I had to give up 5 years ago, when fatigue and walking problems made it impossible to get to my studio, I haven't been able to listen to music for the last 10 years,,and reading has also become difficult. Which is why I don't have any happy memories to fall back on...I am sorry miffybunny, but I feel defeated again...
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I hope I will be forgiven for this whining post, i won't delete it, because it is true, but I REALLY WILL TRY all of the advice. I am feeling a whole lot better today, or I was, until I wrote the above post, but i will have a better day today because of your support, so thank you again!!
 
I'm so sorry...I just threw out some examples but the possibilities are infinite....music, flowers, a new lipstick, a candle, books, movies...maybe a fun book club? I'm in one on FB...you can make friends that way....cooking recipes....anything at all....you can even just listen to music and imagine being at the beach....classical, opera, beautiful soundtrack music ( like Ennio Morricone)....I know these are all quite trivial but even just feeling a teensy bit better just for a little while is a start. You never know where something can take you....I'm glad your'e doing better today! We are here for you!
 
nowa said:
I hope I will be forgiven for this whining post, i won't delete it, because it is true, but I REALLY WILL TRY all of the advice. I am feeling a whole lot better today, or I was, until I wrote the above post, but i will have a better day today because of your support, so thank you again!!
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It’s not a whining post sweetheart but rather an open and distilled journal of the past that has caused you such heartbreak. The key thing to grasp is that this has become your story and you are not your story.

The story is the habituated spin of our lives but is not present time and certainly not the future. It is not who you are which means you can break free of it.

This is the task we all face in overcoming TMS. TMS is the stressed self, the trauma response, the fear and the rage this creates. Your real self is the soul free of this and you achieve it through the various methods of self-soothing and self-care which are means of reparenting ourselves.

Compassion and forgiveness are stepping stones between one and the other.
 
Thank you so much Plum and Miffybunny!!!

i have just posted a new thread. with this question:
"I am wondering if trying new things can cause a tumult in my brain, because after being able to go back to sleep after a bad night, for the first time for years, and also noticing that my right foot and ankle (which have been chronically swollen for the last 15 years, was looking normal this morning, also for the first time, my mind seems to be having a fight. my perfectionist part and my inner bully are fighting with me...I hope that makes sense because I can't think straight enough to describe it any better.

I have been meditating and trying to think more positively for the last few days which resulted in a meltdown yesterday when I felt suicidal."
 
nowa said:
Thank you so much Plum and Miffybunny!!!

i have just posted a new thread. with this question:
"I am wondering if trying new things can cause a tumult in my brain, because after being able to go back to sleep after a bad night, for the first time for years, and also noticing that my right foot and ankle (which have been chronically swollen for the last 15 years, was looking normal this morning, also for the first time, my mind seems to be having a fight. my perfectionist part and my inner bully are fighting with me...I hope that makes sense because I can't think straight enough to describe it any better.

I have been meditating and trying to think more positively for the last few days which resulted in a meltdown yesterday when I felt suicidal."
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Nowa, this is a classic description of extinction burst! When physical symptoms get better, depression and anxiety may go through the roof! Keep meditating through it, you are on the right track!
 
thank you TG, I don't know why I couldn't remember this???? It really helps to know that ppl like you continue to support ppl like me...in the midst of our stupidity
 
Evsperl said:
I am so sorry you are struggling. This journey is so tough!!! We will both get through this to the other side!!! Just give yourself a break and know it is a bad day and will pass. I had a horrible couple days (fibromyalgia and CFS) a couple days ago and feel so much more peace today even though symptoms have been tough. Learning the Three Principles (also called the Principles of Resiliency has been huge for me in addition to the emotional work and has really helped me recover from anxiety. Check out Nicola Bird and her podcast and book "A little Piece of Mind." If you read this post today she is offering her 6 week course for people with anxiety free of charge if you sign up today (5/21). I wish you the best!!! The emotional part is so important but the thought/beliefs piece for me has been just as important and that is where the Three Principless understanding has been so helpful to me.
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I DID go to her website and I listened to a podcast on insomnia which i found helpful, but i have done so may courses on anxiety online recently, that I feel I need to steer clear of them for a while. but I have bookmarked her site and will go back and read about the 3 Principles when i am calmer. thank you so much for your help!
 
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