Anxiety

Hey all. I wanted to provide an update since I've started the work months ago. I've managed to eliminate my pain symptoms by reading Dr. Sarno's books, doing the SEP program, watching Dan Buglio's videos, and getting distracted with life again. I also am so thankful to everyone on this forum for helping me along the way. Really a combination of several things. If my pain symptoms creep up, I know there is something happening in my life that I need to observe. Usually journaling does the trick to make me feel better again, but I'll admit I haven't been as consistent as maybe I should be (am I being too hard on myself?). To be honest, I haven't been doing the work daily since my pain has gone away.

I recently tapered off antidepressants, which is something I really wanted to do once I felt better. To be honest, I struggled internally with having to take medication to feel "normal". I truly felt like I failed myself. The medication was prescribed to help manage my pain level. But it also provided a welcome relief of thinking rationally again after spiraling into a state where I couldn't think clearly or calm myself from the pain and the fear. This was the lowest point in my life. I truly had never felt so hopeless. I was terrified of thoughts I had never had in my life before.

I remember the day my pain clicked off after a few weeks of doing the work. It was Easter. I got distracted with putting on a dress and getting ready in what felt like months. I felt like life began again. I told myself I'd never take life for granted again. I felt a new sense of optimism and gratitude.

But here I am. It's been almost 3 weeks since I've been off medication. As I was tapering off, I was scared of my pain returning and that all the work I put in was not real. The anxiety of the pain returning, made the pain creep back up again, although it wasn't at the level it was before which I found interesting. I was able to get rid of it again with journaling and speaking to my brain. I expected withdrawals and I did have withdrawals, but I understood this was a part of the process and my body would return to normal levels. I was able to rationalize and use the tools I know to face the unpleasant sensations. They have since calmed down.

Now I have another fear of getting to the state where I can't think rationally, and having those thoughts that are terrifying to me where I felt no happiness, no excitement toward my favorite things and hobbies and activities when I was in pain. That gloomy cloud over your head. And this feeling returning is what is scaring me now. I've been experiencing anxiety and panic out of nowhere. I had a panic attack over a week ago, but I knew it would pass and I brushed it off. I'm also experiencing sadness and anxiety over a friend being distant, rationally I know there is something going on in her life that she is dealing with. But I have this sadness over it (I journaled about it today in a conversational prompt). It feels heavy in my chest. I confided with another friend and I had a stomachache throughout. I also feel this heaviness over general work related things and relationships, that I've upset people, or that when I tell people "no" or put up boundaries, that I'm this bad person. Guilt over being "true to myself" if that makes sense. That I've accidentally hurt someone's feelings. Writing this right now is making my glute hurt, ha! However, I know it's TMS. But when I try to apply this thought process to my anxiety, it feels like it's resisting, like it's trying to pull me away from this work. It's trying to tell me that it's a sham.

I guess I am just ranting now, but is it possible for anxiety to feel worse than the pain? I almost wish for the pain to be back because I know I can make it go away. I'm just terrified of the anxiety and feeling mentally the way I did when I had the pain symptoms.

 

It's very common once one's primary TMS symptoms are gone for anxiety to surface. It's like once we no longer have the physical symptoms to distract us, we are left focusing on our thoughts which can lead to anxiety. Have you read any of Clair Weekes, who is great on anxiety?

https://www.tmswiki.org/ppd/Overcome_Anxiety_with_Dr._Claire_Weekes (Overcome Anxiety with Dr. Claire Weekes)

I view this as a result of overthinking--spending too much time in our head and giving too much credence to passing thoughts. The remedy is to get out of your head and focus on doing things you enjoy, spending time in nature, exercise, etc.

You've made great progress and can get over this next challenge too. Hang in there.

 

Hi Ellen! And thank you. Your post brings me comfort and is just what I needed.

I am familiar with Claire Weekes, a few folks on here recommended her book. I have it on my phone and did use it to help me when I was at my worst. I just started opened up her book again last night.

I’m definitely an over thinker. I’ve been over thinking situations at work, relationships with friends, whether I am a good wife, etc. Last night, while I was out with friends and we were driving, I felt panic come onto me. I suddenly wanted to get away and be alone. It was at the end of our day together and I do remember thinking I felt mentally drained and ready to go home (social battery ran out). I don’t know why but this made me overthink. That I would continue to have these panic sensations out of nowhere. They don’t happen often and I typically understand what’s happening to where I can calm myself down. However, my brain began overthinking that I won’t feel good ever again. I had anxiety all night before I finally fell asleep at 2am. I woke up at 5 with a slightly elevated heart rate, but I floated through it. I’ve been through the scary symptoms upon waking before so I was comforted to know they would pass.

I have been over analyzing my reactions and my feelings to my hobbies, things I love to do, interests for the past month (am I excited to do them? Am I depressed if I am not excited and have that spark in my chest to read my favorite book? Or garden?) that’s what has been on my mind. I’m also not sure if my body is still readjusting to being off medication and I’m having these ups and downs. I think the boiling point was last night being out and having the anxiety attack. I got home and I couldn’t think clearly. I began ruminating and thinking the worst that this is it, I am getting depressed again and falling into that hole when I was in pain months ago. I’m terrified of that and I don’t want it. I began “checking” my reactions to my thoughts and feelings, similarily to when I was checking my pain levels. Seems like the same merry go around and I need to face this and float. Get consistent with journaling again, watching videos and re-reading books. I’ll be okay.

 

I had this anxiety earlier in my journey. What has helped me the most when I sense the dread or now any physical sensations of anxiety, is to attend to the sensations immediately. That is the part we tend to try and avoid with the thoughts. I drop out of my head and just let the thoughts float by and feel the sensations of anxiety and let them roll on through.
It took time, but now I can immediately recognize the sensations and my physical responses to it, and it generally goes pretty quickly. It just took some brain retraining that the sensations are safe, normal and pass. Claire Weekes calls it acceptance.

 

Yes yes yes! I realized I don't face the sensations immediately. I realized one way I do this is open up Instagram and browse through videos, or go online shopping. Yeah sure it may help distract me, but I feel this reservoir building and building and building because I am not attending to it. I am so bad at this.

When you mention that you drop out of your head, is it through some type of meditation?

 

Side note: I found this video from Dan helpful for me today. I don't know what he puts in his videos, but I immediately stay focused and tune in, and listen with my whole being. He really is great.





Also, I realized I made a ton of spelling mistakes in my previous posts, went back to fix them. Sorry all.

 

Hi, @HealingMe
First off, congrats on all your hard work to heal from TMS. It truly is a lot of work. And a lot of people shy away from it. You did awesome! And you got rid of your pain! You should be proud of yourself. That’s something to always give you hope. You did it once, you can do it again.

Have you ever seen that game called “whack-a-mole?” It’s at carnivals. And I think they make little versions for at home. The moles stick their heads out of one hole. You whack them down, then they stick their heads out of another hole. Well, that’s sort of what I have found anxiety and depression to be. I’ve had the two symptoms on and off for years. When I get my depression under control, then panic attacks set in. And when I get the anxiety and depression under control, then I get pain symptoms! It’s all TMS trying to get me.

I can sympathize with wanting to get off of medication. For some reason, we all think we’re “failures” on antidepressants. I have been on antidepressants for 25 years. About 4 years ago I went off and was do ok for awhile, then descended into the dark place you talk about. I call it black cotton. My brain just won’t work right. I know some doctors believe that antidepressants are needed for some people to help their neurotransmitters work in their brain. And other doctors, especially TMS doctors, feel we can get healed of depression without medication. No matter what’s true for you, you shouldn’t feel ashamed of yourself for taking them or for not taking them. I do know, however, that depression can be very debilitating and it’s important not to go it alone. I hope you can have some help with these decisions. I went back on my meds and will likely stay on for life. My latest round of heavy duty symptoms came when I went off.

About setting boundaries: good for you! It’s really hard to do and when I do I always feel guilty. But you know what? I’m getting better at Not feeling guilty and setting them when I need to. This is all from my TMS healing. Yay! What creature or human can survive without boundaries? No boundaries is the cause of a lot if not all of my problems.

Hang tight! You’re doing good. Your TMS isn’t going to let you go without a fight. Don’t despair. Stay the course. hopefully we both will win soon! You can do it. Don’t be afraid.

 

Oh I sure have seen the game and that's exactly what this feels like! I feel like my pain symptoms have given up on me, because I no longer fear them, but my brain knows I fear anxiety and depression so it's sticking there. Funny though, as I was challenging it last night some of my the regular pain symptoms I had started to creep up (weird side glute pain), but I shot that down quickly because come on, brain, you're not being clever anymore by moving somewhere else; I'm no longer afraid of the pain.

You bring up a good point about how we shouldn't feel ashamed of taking or not taking medication. The other funny thing is, I never think of my friends as failures for being on antidepressants. It's bizarre that we are so mean/hard on ourselves, but treat our friends more kindly. I think about this often.

I appreciate all your kind words! I really enjoy reading all the threads you've been posting; they are helpful and thought provoking. I know we will beat this soon! That's the only option!

 

I also want to mention, I have been crying quite a lot and I don't really know why. Like the puddle of tears just comes. I was reading Claire Weekes last night and I was sobbing at her words. I'm just letting it happen.

 

So true! We are so much kinder toward our friends. I always say to myself: what if you would actually become a nice friend to yourself?! I hope to get there.

Funny you have a weird glute thing. That was one of my original symptoms! I still have it.

just keep whacking moles!!! I know we will win. And I agree. It’s our only option. I’m so glad my posts are helping. That’s always my wish! Take care. You got this!

 

That’s probably good, right? Feelings are flowing. I always cry a lot. And even more lately!

 

Yes I think that's always a positive sign! I've been avoiding my feelings the past month and I think everything is coming out now.

 

I have had all kinds of mental 'replacement' stuff for TMS...One was OCD which I had horribly from childhood, but in Adulthood after the pain left I had obsessive anger. I was fortunate enough to get a therapist who explained all of the 'conversions' to me.
His specialty was OCD , but he understood the math as far as switcheroos....anxiety, obsessive anything, moving 'syndromes', etc.

I have had your exact thoughts before...'this is so bad, I almost wish the pain was back'. I have had it with painful personal relationships as well....and then, I GOT my wish and thought "Wait a minute...how about NONE of this stuff?"

I honestly think this is the place where our thoughts and Sarno's theory venture into Mysticism, because a LOT of the things I can't deal with get resolved without me doing anything, so my anxious Thoughts are not only painful, they are useless as well. I resort to reason like a friggin' religion and many things in our life don't stand to reason, and that's where God and spiritual connection become priceless gems.

Our anxiety is ALL based on Reason and math...and God is more powerful than both.

I am actually uncomfortable right now ,so I am gonna go pray. It fixed an unfixable problem for me last week...I imagine it will work again. I also think it works for everybody. "God does not make difficult terms with people who earnestly seek him out" -Bill W.

 

@HealingMe
"When you mention that you drop out of your head, is it through some type of meditation?"

Some might call it mindfulness.
But really it's a form of teaching yourself to stop the thinking.
I just stop, say to myself "ah, anxiety...hello" and feel it. Just like you might feel an emotion. You don't push it away, you don't dissect or think about it. I think the most positive way to do it is to be curious and marvel at the wondrous things your body can do.

 

Love this!

 

I have a question. Can anxiety feel like you’re going crazy? I’ve been journaling again and working on letting the thoughts and feelings just be there. I also am working to stop the catastrophic thinking by replacing it with positive visualizations and speaking directly out loud my brain. But it feels like the anxiety increased. I feel like I can’t clear my head. It’s like a constant buzzing. I’m wondering if it’s the same as pain increasing when you begin to challenge it. Does it work the same for anxiety? It’s like I have anxiety about having anxiety!

Also I’ve noticed when I was watching a long video yesterday, I forgot about my thoughts and I seemed to have calmed down, but it was very short lived before the feelings began again.

 

This is exactly why reading Claire Weekes is essential.
Anxiety brings on all sorts of sensations including fast and rapid thoughts and many things associated with TMS in general. The "buzzing" and brain fog are sensations. Yes, you treat them similar to the TMS symptoms you had, this is simply another manifestation of the same mechanism. And yes, I felt like I was going nuts. This is just your nervous system heightened, and your brain firing it's "something is wrong" alarms.
NOTHING IS WRONG, you are just anxious. Anxiety is natural, so just let that buzzing sensation or brain fog pass through you. Then just get on with your day. Don't attend to it, get fixated on it or struggle against it, and when you do (because it's hard not to pay attention to the elephant in the room) remember you are absolutely OK. This is a time when distraction can work in your favor ... if you feel frustrated, note it and move on by going to get another glass of water, or going for a walk or whatever it is.
You aren't challenging the symptoms of anxiety, you just aren't attaching much meaning to them.
This works. It absolutely works.
Look at it as another opportunity to gain more awareness, to be more patient and kind to yourself.

You are OK.

 

Thank you so much, truly. Sometimes it feels like we're so alone in our heads. Having people to remind you that you're okay and it will pass really helps calm me. I guess what I meant with challenge it is by doing the TMS work, that's bad choice of words on my part. I have a habit with "checking" if all the work I am doing is working which I did when I had other symptoms. With time I will get better at it. Also, I will definitely continue reading Claire Weekes. Thank you for the reminder

 

Same!

 

Thank you. It does bring me comfort to know that others have had thoughts similar to mine. And you’re right, why not none of this!