Appreciating how wild this journey is

Hi everyone,

I am new here but not new to TMS / PPD / Chronic Pain.

My story started 7 years ago stubbing my toe skateboarding. This healed and then mysteriously came back about half a year later. It got worse and worse over time and I said goodbye to a lot of my favourite activities including sport and identity. Following on from this I eventually was diagnosed with IBS and Pelvic Pain Syndrome. The extensive pursuit of solutions for all of these conditions didn't get me very far. At most some temporary relief from all of these conditions only for them to come back, sometimes worse. More recently I picked up Plantar Fasciitis and some nerve pain in my feet which lead me to finally finding Nicole Sachs and eventually John Sarno and many others.

But yaddy-ya, its a story everyone has heard a million times by now.

The details aren't really what I wanted to write about here. I just wanted to express how CRAZY it has been to go through this journey. I'm in my early 20s and one of the most significant struggles in my journey has been finding people to relate too. I've only felt less able to relate to people the longer my sensations persisted. How many 20 year olds have you met with 3 completely unrelated chronic conditions that have had such an effect on their life? Explaining a myriad of symptoms to my peers is only met by confusion which is made worse by how complicated the narratives you weave to yourself are. Dealing with a broken leg seems a lot more simple. The protocol seems to be more defined. X happened, I can do Y, I can't do Z, it will take N time to heal.

(I will caveat this by saying I have never broken a bone and I would not expect healing from a broken leg to be a fun time, just a bit more straightforward)

With my symptoms:

• Yes it is better right now
• Oh its bad again and I don't feel up for doing that again
• No I'm not drinking anymore
• Yes I might have a few drinks
• I know I could do it before but now I don't feel up for it

The inconsistencies are incredibly difficult to work with and have definitely affected my relationships. It is so wild to grapple with day to day life and holding space for all that is complicated whilst also managing a laundry list of symptoms. It is so terrifying to start with one life altering condition only to pick up more and more and have no straightforward answers and be repeatedly told by medical professionals that your life will be changed forever. It is absolutely nuts to go on wormholes on various forums looking for answers for your specific question, to message people who have vaguely similar stories and ask them what they did, to one day start with another google search - find a promising thread - only to realise you were the author a couple of years ago. How do you reconcile these experiences with reality? No one REMOTELY prepares you in school or growing up to take such a winding, unintuitive and straight up bizarre path like this. So many truths I held for years just shattered, and for what?

Which is why it is such a relief to find a forum such as this where there is HOPE. I made the mistake of going on other forums where people seem to find comfort in each other's misery and have given up all hope in getting better. I admit I have been there many times and have victimised myself all too much, even these days I sometimes fall into old habits. But I have made the concious decision that I will do everything I can to make things better and I fully expect to heal I just don't know when.

Hearing some of the first recovery stories on Curable blew my mind. I thought I had been cursed by some wicked bad luck to have gone through what I had been through but for the first time realising that other people had been through just about the exact same ups and downs as myself made me feel so relieved and of course sad for the others especially with my own understanding.

Every day since I have learnt about the mind body connection my previous beliefs are shattered more and more and its almost overwhelming how much it changes your perspective. I never expected to find a true road out of this. I remember seeing chronic pain healing books earlier on in my journey and just completely dismissing them out of rage. I remember my Mum telling me it could be in my head and reacting with deep anger. And now here I am, after being humbled to my core and having nothing to lose. After trying accupuncture, hypnotherapy, physio, surgery, everything.

All the trawling on the internet, all the rage and screaming and crying, all the catastrophising. There is so much grief along this journey. The opportunities missed and friendships never realised, the memories never made.
I know it doesn't do to dwell on these things but I think they must be acknowledged and accepted to move forwards. I am grateful for this journey early on in my life, I know the lessons will serve me forever. I feel like I have developed a lot more self awareness, resilience and some character from this journey. It has completely broken me and now I am rebuilding myself. It has been the hardest and most meaningful path of my life.

I wish everyone reading this the best of luck and a reminder that you will heal. I also want to acknowledge that once my symptoms go away, life only continues and the real work begins. I am very excited for that next step.

 

cyano! I don't know what to say other than what a great introductory upbeat posting!