Breakthrough. Thank you, John from the webinar!

Apparently I needed a little break from all this work. After the webinar I ... But this morning while I was listening to the call from the webinar with John, I started taking notes and that turned into a journaling session. I feel like it could have been me on that call.

I had a pretty big breakthrough. I realized that my fatigue started in June 2011 when I did the HcG diet. I had always blamed the HcG for the fatigue, like maybe it screwed up my body and/or hormones. But HcG is produced in much MUCH higher doses when a woman gets pregnant, so it's not likely. I JUST realized this morning that it coincides with the time I left my husband a year prior. I hadn't ever thought of this before. I left him in June 2010. My anxiety skyrocketed at this time. I also realized that (per the conversation with John) my anxiety was trying to cover over something. That something is sadness/grief (and I bet some pretty intense guilt.)

John talked about how he is never late and I started thinking about how I am also never late and I wondered when it started. I think it started when my grandma died when I was 10 or 11. I used to blame myself for her death, because I thought I had made my family late going to visit her. I asked my mom about this recently and she told me that I wasn't actually with them that day. I could have sworn that I was the one who had made them late! Anyway, when my mom told me grandma had died, I remember her hugging me desperately, sobbing, while I just stood there, numb. This is the origin or at least the best memory I have relating to the feelings that expressing sadness/grief is not ok - which is why I have never grieved the loss of my marriage. And thus, ended up with fatigue.

My grandma is connected with other issues I need to resolve as well, such as some very deep issues with shame. which connect up with the IBS and thus connect with a traumatic experience involving my ex-husband and his losing control of his bowels in public (he is a paraplegic). I had NO IDEA she was such an integral part of my development, but I guess it makes sense since my sisters and I spent so much time with her. Wow.

Thanks for letting me get that out

 

It's interesting to me that your mother was showing a LOT of emotion in this memory. Where did you get the idea that expressing grief is not ok? Were you embarrassed by her? Did her emotion make you uncomfortable?

I ask because I think my own discomfort with emotion (or my lack of emotional intelligence) comes from parents who were on either extreme--my father never showed any emotion except occasionally ANGER which came in the form of a scary, unexpected outburst, while my mother was extremely emotional to the point where I often felt embarrassed by her. I was determined not to be like her, but I had no role models for what it meant to be emotionally healthy.

Also, in regard to being late, I am never late. Often I am embarrassingly early. I think this comes from wanting to be liked and not wanting to cause any conflict--people are inconvenienced when you're late.

 

My mom was very dramatic and explosive. I think her intense displays were actually really scary to me.
I'm wondering if maybe I saw how helpless she was and so I decided I needed to be strong and strength meant not breaking down like she did and thus, not expressing intense sadness. My dad told me recently about how whenever we would go to his house for the weekend we would cry, telling him we "needed to be there for mom."

 

Layne-

Thank you for writing about our call with Alan. I have been reading TMS wiki for a year but never posted or stepped out to join conversations... It is encouraging to know that sharing helps others and also in turn helps me.

Hope you are continuing to do great things!

John