"But I had a happy childhood! How can I have TMS???"

Thank you!

 

JanAtheCPA: . . . . guest Dana quotes Dr. Gabor Mate who says that emotional distress can result from what was missing in childhood, not just from the experience of traumatic abuse or neglect . . . .

I remember that point by Dr. Mate very well because of its relevance to my own childhood. In particular, Mate introduced me to the concept of attunement when he discussed attachment needs that human beings have. He wrote in When the Body Says No:

“Attunement, a process in which the parent is ’tuned in’ to the child’s emotional needs, is a subtle process. It is deeply instinctive but easily subverted when the parent is stressed or distracted emotionally, financially or for any other reason. Attunement may also be absent if the parent never received it in his or her childhood. Strong attachment and love exist in many parent-child relationships but without attunement. Children in nonattument relationships may feel loved but on a deeper level do not experience themselves as appreciated for who they really are. They learn to present only their ‘acceptable’ side to the parent, repressing emotional responses the parent rejects and learning to reject themselves for even having such responses.”
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Although Sarno did not use the word “attunement,” I think he fully appreciated the role of childhood nonattunement in TMS. In the foreword to a book written by two psychologists who worked in his clinic (Frances Sommer Anderson & Eric Sherman, Pathways to Pain Relief), Sarno wrote this:

“Outright physical, sexual, or emotional abuse will give rise to monumental pain, hurt, sadness, and anger, all repressed, for children are protected from such feelings by the mind. I have found, however, that what might be called subtle emotional abuse is virtually universal in previous generations. It was my personal experience. Instead of unconditional love and total acceptance, we learned to conduct ourselves within behavioral parameters set forth by our parents, either explicitly or by implication. Examples: One must be good all the time; anger is not allowed; one must please mommy and daddy; children should be seen and not heard; you’d better be good or I will tell your father; the constant threat of punishment. In the years that follow, after some teenage revolt, we become compliant adults, who need to prove ourselves all the time by performing perfectly and by being ‘very good people.’ I have dubbed these tendencies ’the perfect and the good.’ . . . Without realizing it, we live our lives conforming to what is expected of us. This has very little to do with achievements, success in careers, and the like, but it has everything to do with our personal lives and how we feel as we go through life."​