Climbing out of a hole...

Morning All,
(Well it's morning in London!)
Yesterday a really tough one but not so much in pain terms, that was kind of average. The turmoil was emotional. Yesterday was the day I was supposed to return to work (yet again) but was signed off by Dr til New Year. This feels like a crushing failure and has seen me at home for 12 weeks overall. My new TMS therapist says I have to work on attending to my anxiety and not move straight to the worry/problem solving. This is such an old problem/reflex in me it's like that overloved childhood teddy bear. What else would I do? Wednesday was OK and I repeated my safety mantra at least 100 times. Thursday I just couldn't see that I was worth it and wasn't even bothering to say it. I just carried the anxiety and guilt around all day.
I know intellectually that I need this time and I am not shirking or living it up (I wish!!) but I struggle to give myself permission and constantly think about what others think of this. I know I must discover my own power or I will not be fit for work even in January. How can I believe that I am worth this change for me? I have often thought that I need to do it for my husband, child, friends, family etc but this again is about the power not being me right? I'm not doing so well with meditation I think again i'm not giving myself permission to spend the time or relax. Any advice or experience?
Thanks

 

Regarding meditation i find doing a active meditation 10-20 times a day for 30-45seconds works better for me i will checkin with myself and focus on a sound a bird a skin sensation and just be with it.

 

You want to go back to work and your doc won't let you??? Are you seeing a TMS physician? Is your Therapist a TMS therapist? What does your therapist have to say about your doc preventing you from working when you want to? What is the dx that you can't work?

 

I want to go back to work too....and know the devastation that goes into not being able to. I'm sorry Hun. Try to focus on today and the work that you deserve to do for you.

Crissy

 

My therapist is TMS but just started it and after I had to see the Dr. Dr not stopping me from working I had set myself unrealistic goal to go from bedridden to fully walking in 2 weeks!!! GP just told me what I knew that I can't do full days work at the moment and to take my time. But my TMS personality means of course the guilt and blaming self etc. I'm trying to override my brain with a new more compassionate message but !maybe catching it 30 - 40% of the time. It's very tiring!!!
Also my 7 year old son has been reacting to the whole situation (other family issues and bereavement on top of my TMS - which is of course what put me here) and pushing me and my husband away. Saying he wants to be alone, shuts down and doesn't care if we love him and refusing attention or even a story at bedtime. This is making me very panicky and the pain worse but trying to stay calm and not be visibly upset. I just don't know how to help him. Maybe just stay calm and not push him to talk and not ask questions? But be around? Any parents out there with experience? It's heart breaking.