Day 25 telling you my truth

Day 25 education program. But June 18 was the day i read the first of Sarno's books. I am not a very disciplined person. and I rarely do what i know is best for me in terms of physical health, nutrition etc...I guess I am mostly talk - much less walk. so that's the truth. i have proven to myself that journaling makes a difference in the type and severity of the pain i experience. and yet - you should see the chores i get done on the way to the journal, often never getting there. in the past two plus months i am averaging journaling every 3rd day. ok maybe every 4th day. And, so similar to the insidious, sneaky nature of denial as it related to alcoholism, the thoughts start creeping in - wait, that back twinge truly felt like bone pain, that skin sensitivity and numbness has to be nerve damage, what if the drs missed something. also - this justification happens - im onto something now and the pain is measurably better - i can live with this - i have the rest of my life to cultivate this new practice and heal, i can skip today. isnt it curious? I find it hard to believe that I don't want to be entirely without pain. But i have to ponder the question, what investment do i have in this pain? of course there is some fear about remembering things that I currently have n memory of, things my siblings remember, have told me, but are just their stories to me. do i buy into the lie that remembering this stuff will kill me? or worse, push me right over that edge that I've stood on before (those of you who know that edge - you get it). maybe i do believe this. Right now, sitting here, writing this, I'm not splitting but i do feel two distinct sides of "want" inside me. hard to describe, but in my head, up above the cellular level, in the lofty part, I want to run, to hide, to do life superficially, without empathy, concern, intensity or feeling. Lower down, more cellular, perhaps in my gut or soul i want to break free and live life consumed with joy and forgiveness, depth and meaning. and break free is the right description because i feel tethered to that other part...tied to it. that's it for now. that's my truth.