Day 32

What a great question : what is causing me from healing. Well that's a loaded question.

Well I would say the first thing is the belief in tms , I mean when my pain is at bay and manageable I have full belief in it, but as soon as my flares come around for a few days and I run out of tools in my tms help bag..,that's when the doubt comes flying in and I want to reach for meds ....that don't even work.lol. but as long as I know they are there I'm OK.

The last 48 hrs have been brutal no sleep work is hell ...the burning is all over my body . I don't push the pain away but its very difficult to ignore . Actually I always thought to ignore the pain was a bad idea I feel its a form of resistance which makes it worse for me anyway.

Also my marriage has been terrible for awhile we are trying to make it work to a degree but I know in the hearts or hearts it will never be the same which I know this is causing my healing to slow down.

I also feel like isn't better to be with the devil you know then the devil u don't...I guess that's not the best way to be positive about relationships . I guess I have a huge fear of being rejected and who in gods green earth wants to start dating again...

I guess I am coming up with one excuse one after another. Its been a long 5 years in pain. I am done learning about tms I have numerous books....by the way Steve O books is the best of all them hands down.

Sarno books talk about back pain...yes it mentions different kinds of pain but it seems people with burning pain or neuropathy pain really don't seem to heal , well let me say I don't see many success stories on this pain issue. Which also puts a dent in my belief of tms.

Only good thing I can say is that I stopped watching the calendar, I pretty much do what I want , I just say to myself pain if you are not going to leave you are coming with me. I bike , run , lift weights . Some days are better then others .

My triggers are still weather, long car rides or things I don't want to do . I develop a new issue Constipation ha yes another wonderful thing I have had for a week plus to go along with my other fun issues.

I live one day at a time and stop looking past today this minute. Which as help with my anxiety.

I have been off my antidepressants since April, once in awhile I treat myself to a Lorazpan for some self care when self talk deep breathing and meditation did not work. Been dosing a little with my gabapentin but I always tell myself its not cure but just self care for the evening.

I hope someday my belief will be 100 percent but until I start seeing new success stories and also people recovering with my same issues I will always have 5 % on the shelf of doubt.