Day6 Where do I go from now?

Today I finally was able to connect some dots . My pelvic pain started exactly at the same time Nov 2015 , as when my mom who was with terminal cancer had moved out of my home to a senior place in a great city nearby where she could make friends and enjoy time she had left.
It all started when my mom came to visit a few months before from Chile. She lived many years here in the USA but my mom at this point in her life she was always living in different places. She was very complicated person to the point that I still think that she was bipolar or had some mental condition because she was not always there. She started having these symptoms and Dr immediately diagnosed Late stage Cancer (endometrial). It was just my husband and two kids here in Ga and unfortunately no other relative that could lend me a hand. My mom while she was still feeling ok inspite of her treatments, was driving me insane because she was always yelling at me and blaming me for not managing her life better. She was putting all the burden on me since I was her oldest child . I helped her raise my siblings while she worked cause my dad was an alcoholic looser, that when he was not sober he would beat the crap out of us.
My mom became so anxious that she started fighting with my daughter for no reason to the point that she decided to not come back home because she got really depressed. I was stressed running errands trying to figure out how to juggle so much between dr appts, trying to get medicare for her treatments and my sons acivities. My mom started complaining that she was bored where I lived , so then I decided to find a place for her in the city. After all thats what she loved, to be independant. Here it all started:
I developed pelvic pain the same month my mom moved out. Part of me felt guilty because I had decided that she had to go. She was literally destroying my marriage and life.
She never was a supportive person when I was young either. One time when I was young, she gave my rescue dog away and left it on the streets and never told me about. She could be very heartless.
Then the pain intensified when my husband and I started to have marital problems. I am assuming that all this horrible pelvic pain was just tms masking my emotions, so I would not suffer anymore and make anymore drastic decisions like get a divorce.
Now lately I have been very anxious, because my son will be off to college soon . Strangely I have been dreaming with my mom every nite , I think its because Im starting to feel regret because she lived on her own the last year of her life inspite of me visiting her almost everyday. The fact that I will be alone soon and maybe without a husband scares me and makes me think of how my mom must of felt alone sometimes, I think this is guilt.

 

Hi paingoaway,

You post shows a lot of understanding for the stressors and events in your life, both when the pain started, and now when you recall times with your mother:

Reading this, I think there is fear of death and guilt, both. You have a lot of evidence of what contributed to your pain. Just contemplating these real causes, daily is a wonderful approach. Especially if you can be gentle with yourself and not feel wrong that these events happened. Or, alternatively, if you feel wrong, then this can also be connected to why you have TMS. You don't need to fix things, so much as see the connections, which you are doing.

Andy B

 

Thank you Andy, I appreciate your response . I will have to dig deeper into these issues!

 

Hi paingoaway,
I am on my second day here and just wanted to thank you for speaking up. I have family like yours, too and have recently learned a valuable quote that really helps me let go:

"You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness or success."

Now that I am taking care of my own, it feels so good! I'm certain that it led me here to heal. Hope it helps.

 

Hi Butter Fly queen !
Glad that you joined this magnificent forum.
I love that you said this "You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness or success.". This is greatly in part why some of us struggle so much to the point that we get sick wasting our energy trying to solve others peoples life. We have to learn to stop on time. At the end , the ( people we help) succeed most of the time no matter what and we are left emotionally exhausted. We try to fix everyones life in our family and neglect ours.