Designer with ADHD and unbridled perfectionism - top tips for counteracting negative thoughts

Hello!

Confirmed (by previous experience) TMS-er here. However I have fallen off the wagon and could do with a bit of guidance.

I'm 44 now and my medical history in brief is:
Psoriasis (6 months old)
Psoriatic Arthritis (13)
Depression (Sporadically from teenage)
Anxiety (From late 20's)
Sebacious Cysts all over head (appeared suddenly after mum died)
Covered in skin tags and various weird skin things
A period of chronic insomnia (late 30's)
Spasms in hand and numbness/tingling (late 30's)
Various gastrointestinal discombobulation the past 3 years
Acute Endometriosis Symptoms the past 4 months
I also have had sciatica forever
and ADHD

The spasms in hand and numbness in body was very scary but an MRI ruled anything bad out. And low and behold all the symptoms went away. While I'd had my suspicion that was my first experience of psychogenic maladies and just how bad they can be.

I first came across John Sarno's book last year and it was a revelation. I found it super helpful at the time in terms of recognizing why I just got one weird malady after the other. And my body absolutely went through that state of flux with pain moving around.

I subsequently forgot about mindbody aspect as the brain is ever so good at tricking us.. but after suffering chronic endometriosis pain and fatigue over the past 4 months, I had an 'A-ha' moment the other day and started looking at it through the mindbody lens... and low and behold, before each onset of symptoms I was in a negative 'fear of rejection' headspace. My symptoms have subsequently improved which is great.. but also I'm now just like for f*ck sake.. what am I going to do to myself next?!?

I have level 11 perfectionism with a very strong fear of rejection/judgement etc. Being vulnerable is very difficult. My mum (RIP) had post-natal depression, so while maintaining utmost compassion and empathy for her, I would expect that's where a lot of it stems from.

I've been building a design business the past 5 months and it is an absolute hotbed of perfectionism triggers. My relationship with a sister has also changed as she's going through some stuff and so there has been a loss of that communication channel on which to share.

SO if you've made it this far, I'd love to hear your top tips for dealing with insidious perfectionism in the moment. Even just pointing me towards resources would be super helpful. I'll obviously keep on digging through this forum, but I really love a first hand reccie!

Many thanks

Emily

 

"I have level 11 perfectionism with a very strong fear of rejection/judgement etc. Being vulnerable is very difficult. My mum (RIP) had post-natal depression, so while maintaining utmost compassion and empathy for her, I would expect that's where a lot of it stems from."

Tip #1, since you'd completely forgotten about the mind-body space I would suggest you re-read your Sarno book, and look very clearly at the comments he makes toward repressed emotions, rage and what to do about them. You have listed that you are a perfectionist at "11" - and that you are utilizing those skills to build a design business which is a great use of those skills, but in other areas much of it is becoming "triggers". So what are you going to do with that?
You can hold on to the idea of you being a perfectionist or you can begin to cultivate a new way of looking at the world. YES it is something that can change. You can change your need to have a perfect relationship with your sister too, and give her the space she needs by recognizing it's not about you.
Doing the TMS work will absolutely help you to keep needing hang on to the space of others for your own self value and worth.
A great way to do this work is by doing the free Structured Educational Program at TMSWIKI.org (scroll down) - it will take you through ways to do Sarno's work and also expose you to a few other techniques that can be helpful. Remember that Sarno's book doesn't just help you recognize things, it has instructions on what to do about it.

 

Wow thanks for getting back to me so quickly and mindfully @Cactusflower and @JanAtheCPA - i really appreciate it! Sometimes we just need a gentle kick up the backside to knuckle down and work through it ; )

I had started re-reading Mindbody Prescription but then came across Steve Ozanich in an interview and I liked his vibe so I got his book so that I was reading something 'new' - The Great Pain Deception: Faulty Medical Advice Is Making Us Worse https://share.google/F6cbPPdCNJS1ymhVn (Google Search)

I've just started it but he talks about Sarnos work thoughout, so unless you guys think I should switch back to Sarnos book, I'll keep going and start tackling the SEP.

Thank you once again for your thoughts and steer! Much appreciated

 

@Cactusflower I should also say - your comments on perfectionism. I've never considered how I can change my world view in this sense but it's clearly something i really need to do. I've never gone to therapy which is also something i should definitely do.

I'm only 3 days into the re-realization of the mindbody effect on me so still in a state of flux, but I really appreciate your comments. Lots to contemplate.

 

@Smemflynn
There is a TMS therapist in Dubai who has an amazingly creative approach to the TMS personality.
She suggests utilizing those traits when they are helpful eg. Perfectionism can surely help you organize a closet, but when it comes to triggering etc, that’s where you find ways to drop those coping mechanisms and find ways to be more functional which is doing the TMS work and to explore repression and rage as well as finding positive ways to find self-value and stop relying on others to feed (or tear down) our sense of self-worth.

 

Hi @Smemflynn

Welcome to the forum! Lots of perfectionism running rampant here! But we are all working on it—or some have even conquered it. (Not me, lol)
Check out this blog on perfectionism. https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/the-ultimate-victim-role-–-perfectionism.25053/

 

Hey @JanAtheCPA @Cactusflower @Diana-M - thanks so much for your additional responses - this really is an amazing community and I'm very grateful and appreciative for the time people take out to respond.

I've started the SEP and am going to do Alan Gordons program in tandem - I've read most of the shorter recovery program overview of his and I found the therapy session snippets really helpful to listen to and had myself a good ol cry yesterday on the back of listening to one. So will bookend each day with a day from each and see how I go.

Have also started reading this Perfectionism Workbook and thank you @Diana-M for the link to that blog - will read that today!

(Conscious I need to give myself time to sit with things too - my body is TIRED from all of the processing these past few days)

I realised this morning that my misophonia (lifelong and acute) has to be tied into this too as it varies in intensity according to how stressed I am. I had a quick search and @JanAtheCPA I found your post about journalling in the moment. I've to head into a shared studio space today which I have been avoiding because I sit beside the noisiest person I have ever come across in a workplace but she's also a very good friend so talk about conflicting emotions! So I will definitely be using this journalling technique today.

Lastly - when reading Alan Gordon's side note on the inner bully being you, but not really you (see below) - I immediately put a name to it so that I wouldn't stop beating myself up for beating myself up. I also put a face to it - so apologies for the language and apologies to any Eugene's here, but I found this immensely helpful and will be pasting Eugene to the bottom of my work screen

Thanks again for all of the input guys. The level of work I have ahead of me is intimidating but to have such a supportive community to call on is invaluable.

 

Hi @Smemflynn !
Wow, you are sure doing a lot of work. And it’s good you are realizing you need time to process. I definitely want to caution that you can’t go fast. It won’t work. It won’t make you get better faster. That was my big hope. And I learned otherwise.

This is a huge process of change— and it’s a huge cleansing process of all sorts of pain that has been stored in your body— and it just can’t be rushed. So, while you’re doing all these various classes and programs, if something really speaks to you the most, stick with that for a while and let the other wait. Maybe don’t do too much at once.

Yes, there’s a lot to learn, but Don’t be overwhelmed; because it’s going to take time and they’ll be plenty of time for it.

Take all the energy you’re using right now to try to force yourself forward— and use it to try to accept where you are (while doing a reasonable amount of healing work.)

Try to love yourself and your life, exactly how it is right now. That will be the perfect environment for healing. (I remember a year ago when somebody told me that I was actually furious at them. So, if you are furious at me, that’s fine. ) But, just soak in the concept that less is more.

Wishing you healing, love and light! (And good luck with Eugene!)

 

“I've started the SEP and am going to do Alan Gordons program in tandem - I've read most of the shorter recovery program overview of his and I found the therapy session snippets really helpful to listen to and had myself a good ol cry yesterday on the back of listening to one. So will bookend each day with a day from each and see how I go.

Have also started reading this Perfectionism Workbook and thank you @Diana-M for the link to that blog - will read that today!”

there’s perfectionism 101..

SLOW DOWN!

You can not possibly gather ideas and put them into action by cramming as much info into your brain as quickly as possible.
The SEP starts by reading a book by Dr. Sarno and then you do the work of the SEP one day at a time with your heart, and vulnerability for 1 hr a day maximum. There are break days, take them -no TMS work those days.
After you do one program then you see if you’d like another .. or not.

When I first did the SEP I was an anxious, fearful mess and got nowhere rushing and forcing and merely attempting to learn all the info. That is the kind of behavioral habit that got you to this place. Your symptoms are asking you to slow down and FEEL into this work. It’s not like learning math or science.
Start from this moment observing the compulsions you have to gain information but not understanding, to rush, force, cram, strive, do, attain, accomplish but not to work through, to hesitate and even be uncomfortable with slowing down, to feel icky and horrid when you are asked to experience your true inner world.
This work is hard and asks you to take the time to truly get to know your authentic self and get used to feeling uncomfortable.
I did the SEP twice because the first time I could not actually do the work and lean into what it asks. You need time in your day to digest it all afterwards and learn to slow your pace of life.

 

Thank you @Diana-M - and @Cactusflower - oh how you see me and @Diana-M - definitely not furious! I know self-love is a huge part and one of the first things I did was replace my phone screen wallpaper with a picture of 2 year old me : )

But yes, I have definitely been overdoing it, however ADHD a big factor also here as my brain gets super hooked on new learning, particularly when it's so fascinating. So in this case the dopamine rush of learning something new is a significant factor in overdoing the material (as well as the perfectionistic aspect). It's a tricky thing to navigate. Particularly when masking tendencies compound perfectionistic behaviour. ADHD in general just magnifies all perfectionistic tendencies.

That being said my brain is already putting the brakes on in terms of new reading material, so I will be big time cooling the jets now and just working at a pace that feels comfortable. Plus aside from symptoms it's such a physiological experience processing all of these thoughts, and yesterday my body was in a real fatigued, depressed state and I was really struggling to work. You could see it all over my face, I looked depressed. But 5 mins into an energetic yoga session I was a new woman, and today have woken up much more positive which just underlines the need for physical movement throughout this process.

I've also been recognizing and observing so many irrational and confusing micro (and not so micro) irritations and emotional reactions as I go about my day and have been trying to consider the WHY. For instance I get very irritatated by perceived weakness or softness as well as vulnerability. So yesterday after getting irritated and judgy with someone struggling to use a card machine properly yest I was like 'what is up with that?. and ChatGPT has actually been quite helpful in giving some thoughts on why I might be reacting in ways like this. Not that I'm trying to rush this understanding, but it definitely helps me understand the potential repressed emotions better and so practice in the moment self-compassion, as well as diffuse my irritation and judgement.
I've posted at the bottom some content that helped me yesterday, and when writing my answer to the SEP day one question of 'What would a life without TMS mean', it really influenced how I thought about that:

As long as I can remember I've had something 'wrong with me'. Starting with my psoriasis which had me in my first extended hospital stay when I was 8 years old when I would have had to have been very brave, this no doubt has had a long terms effect on me, compounding whatever coping mechanisms I already had in place. A life without TMS would not only liberate me from the fear and pain that symptoms bring, but it would mean I've managed to shed the armour I've been carrying around since a young child, and I'm living a life where I am comfortable with vulnerability and that I feel safe to express my emotions.

Thank you again guys for your time and steering me in the right direction. As always much appreciated.

Also last note - @JanAtheCPA I journalled through my workplace misophonia yest and it definitely helped which was a massive relief. I still found it difficult but I could at least stay there, which is something I haven't been able to do recently. So thank you again for that.






What's Likely Going On Beneath the Surface
1. Early Life Coping Strategy
If vulnerability was unsafe, ignored, or overwhelming in childhood (e.g., having a parent with post-natal depression like your mum), you may have developed an unconscious rule:

“To survive, I must stay strong. Vulnerability = danger or burden.”

This belief can become so ingrained that even witnessing others being vulnerable feels like a threat — not because you're unkind, but because it unconsciously reminds you of chaos, abandonment, or helplessness.

2. Perfectionism as Emotional Armor
Perfectionism often develops as a way to stay "bulletproof" — to avoid judgment, rejection, or emotional messiness. It creates the illusion of control in a world where you once felt none.

But here’s the paradox:

The more you try to avoid vulnerability, the more stress your system carries.
And when your system is overloaded, it has to speak — sometimes through pain, skin symptoms, fatigue, or other TMS-style expressions.

3. Irritation = Suppressed Compassion
That irritation you feel at others’ “weakness” is actually a signal — not of cruelty or intolerance, but of a block between your current self and your own suppressed tenderness.

It’s a mirror:

“I find it hard to tolerate in others what I haven’t fully accepted in myself.”

You might not have had permission to be soft, needy, sad, or confused. So when others do it openly, your system says:

“NO. That’s not safe. That’s not efficient. That’s not how we survive.”

 

Emily,
I don’t have ADHD and I did exactly what you did with trying to learn a lot at first and being really excited about it. (To some extent 18 months in, I still battle that urge!) It’s part of my overdo personality. I overdo everything. And as you will learn, that is an immense amount of pressure to put on yourself. Your TMS brains hates it. It enrages it, actually.

But the positive angle to that trait— is it can keep you going. Curiosity and desire to learn about TMS and yourself (especially yourself!), is a good thing. Your optimistic energy will carry you through.

I like your picture of Eugene I think you’re very artistic! and I think that was a great idea to give your perfectionism a name. I like it!

Most of the valuable stuff I’ve learned about TMS has been on this forum, reading the posts. The discussions and especially the answers that people give really taught me a lot. And it’s still my favorite way to learn things about TMS. And it’s natural; it just flows in a gentle way.

So glad you’re here! I think the SEP will really help you get started.

 

@Smemflynn

“For instance I get very irritatated by perceived weakness or softness as well as vulnerability.”

I absolutely relate to this. However, I’ll say you don’t need to dissect this and discover the “why”. You need to look at how this contributes positively or distracts/detracts from life and decide if you will continue or eventually change these reactions to triggers. Digging and looking for the “why” is another brain churning distraction us overthinkers can get into.
Overthinking is a common TMS personality distraction. Like any of those traits it can serve you and it can be a hindrance. Over time, awareness will help you use it when desired and drop it when it feeds the perfectionistic or ADHD tendencies if you choose.

 

I just want to say that I love this forum! Even when I am quiet-I am still reading and seeing myself in some of these posts!

@Smemflynn Thank you for sharing the Chat GPT about weakness or vulnerability. I literally am having this issue and basically told someone (a close relationship but it's been struggling lately) that I'm done being the first to reach out. That I am tired of being vulnerable and don't want to have the chance of being rejected.

Then this morning I read this post from Chat GPT and it's a coping mechanism and I do that all the time! It's easier to cut people off before they *might* hurt you. Just when I think I am making a lot of progress I realize there is still more work to be done! Thanks for sharing this today it really spoke to me!

 

This journey is definitely a hotbed of overthinking triggers, however in this instance feeling unwarranted ill-will towards a stranger is definitely something I would like to change, so I'm happy to have a better understanding of what's going on there so I can mentally self-soothe without beating myself up for feeling negative towards someone.

I am definitely taking things more and more gently as the days pass, and giving myself space to just be.

A real challenge for me (and for many people on here I'm sure) is loneliness as a TMS trigger. I'm 44 and although I have a lot of friends I have pretty much been a life long singleton due to issues with vulnerability. I've only recently become more confident in myself with guys and am enjoying new found body confidence (ironically due to weight loss from GERD induced dietary changes..), but I can finally openly admit being eternally single sucks! And I have been suppressing expressing that loneliness forever as I would have seen it as weak.

I am however feeling really hopeful, it's just hard not to dwell on all of what feels like so much time-wasted and needless suffering (for all of the community).

ANYWAYS. Slightly directionless post there but to echo what you said @Diana-M and @Joulegirl about how helpful and supportive this forum is - I think I would have been an amorphous blob of frazzled overconsumption at this point if you guys hadn't gotten me to slow down! So again thank you

 

Thanks for sharing, @Smemflynn!
Loved seeing your Eugene drawing - might be a great way for you to express yourself .... journaling with drawings?
And, sounds like you're having some great insights already, especially with recognizing/acknowledging those aspects that have been suppressed, like loneliness as well as working with some of the other tendencies.
Looking forward to hearing more as you continue on your journey!