Desperately anxious.

Hi all.
I don't even know where to begin but excess anxiety is destroying me. I can't get rid of the problem and therapy is all over the place and now my psychologist has sent me to the doctor for medication because I am too over whelmed to deal with therapy and nothing was working. Now I am on Zoloft for the anxiety and I was given valium to use to get me through the initial side effects (possible additional anxiety). Well that was 4 weeks ago and I used only a small amount of valium for the first three weeks and two days and not everyday. Now I don't have that support I feel incredibly anxious and of course I am somewhat focussed on my symptoms which would not be helping.
I have responded successfully to TMS treatment before but it was easier then as I will explain.
Back before I knew about TMS I was in an abusive relationship (emotional, c0ntrolling, I was always wrong) and I had extreme back pain. I had help from DV people and left him and surprise, surprise the pain went overnight. At various times since then I have had lower back pain at stressful times including one time when a chiropractor told me I should quit cleaning and I would need ongoing chiro manipulation. Well I saw a physio who suggested exercise which I did for a few months before moving on. Then in 2020 I had ongoing back pain (started 2019) and the physio said I would need to do exercises for the rest of my life due to a bulging disc. I wondered if there was something else and as one exercise was painful I did research and learnt a lot before coming across Dr Sarno and curing my back pain in a fortnight. It moved briefly to my shoulder and I dealt with that. 2021 was very stressful for me jobwise, accommodation and so on and I ended up with digestive issues (including leaky bowel which disgusted me) that were ongoing which I had all checked out and nothing wrong (early 2023) so I thought TMS. I left the job and shifted and I still don't know many people here (lonely). So 2023 I had an on going job problem(worked alone) and changed jobs again and the last job I started a week after my son decided he no longer wanted contact with me for some reasons (favouritism + others) which should have been discussed but I had no choice. Additionally my sister has been triggering me so I have become extremely cautious with her and one day I let down my guard expressed my opinion and she cried, which then set off the first spiral which was followed by my son's no contact. For context, I sometimes think I have always been an adult. I was 13 months old when my sister was born and my parents had 4 children in 4 years. As the oldest I was "a great little helper". I am not angry with my mum or dad as it was difficult for them but perhaps I should be. So my new job was a new position and nobody seemed to know how it was going to work and initially I thought I'm new and that is what the problem is and I asked questions and sought help and nothing improved and I became anxious because I didn't know what I was doing. Additionally I was filling in at my previous job and assisting my other son who had a bucket of problems and no in-law support. So I shoved everything down and powered on and every time I went to the city where my son's live my bowel went to pieces. With the job, my sister, and my son I essentially had "no voice" and I developed a weird combination of excess saliva, dry mouth and excess swallowing (no voice? as in no opportunity to speak (son), watching what I said (sister) and not being really listened to (work). Are my symptoms mirroring my problems?) The bowel problem cleared up! I was offered a work contract for this year but every day was going to work anxious and being anxious there too. I totally lost my confidence and blamed myself for my problems. I opted, despite their pleading with me to not continue working there and suddenly there I was with nothing to do, lonely (Lost Connections Johan Hari) and left with my thoughts and extreme anxiety. Interestingly the anxiety is extreme in the morning and tapers off through the day and I am usually fine in the evening and that is when the mouth problem starts although since I started the medication the mouth problem has reduced considerably but the anxiety has not. Now I am pretty sure this is TMS however I am finding it so difficult to do this as the anxiety/depression is hampering me and I have nobody here to support me and well I haven't had an appetite for years and now I can't even force myself to eat. Fortunately I do eat most evenings when I feel better. I have taken on a bit of cleaning work(push through the anxiety/face your fears). I thought I could still clean but now I am anxious I will get that wrong too. I've had enough. I'm tired of talking through my problems with my psychologist and trying CBT, ACT and everything else. I believe TMS is the solution and I need support hence the excessively long rant. I would like to go away from myself but can't.

 

Hello @Anon
Welcome!
It’s not uncommon for folks with anxiety to have physical symptoms. It’s great you read a book by Dr. Sarno, a wonderful start.
When I have severe anxiety I can’t eat much either, it’s not that uncommon. Your feelings of loneliness are also not uncommon with folks who have TMS, Dr. Schubiner and others have noted that it simply goes along with some of the TMS emotional and personality components, and it can change over time. It’s a sign of difficulty with self-acceptance and the person we truly are inside vs. the person we feel we must present to the world. This creates an internal rage, that we don’t even realize (it’s subconscious). Dr. Sarno discusses this rage, personality traits and the commonality of TMS folks to suppress or repress emotions. It becomes internally stressful as we unwittingly judge ourselves for all of this and it makes us anxious.
It can get better, but it takes work. It can be hard, you have to be in a place where you can be vulnerable and truthful and accepting about this anger and rage, and to stop trying to make the anxiety snd symptoms go away. I know that sounds weird, but it can be done.
Claire Weekes book Hope And Help For Your Nerves book is very useful to teach the skills and mindset for getting more comfortable with the anxiety and understanding it can be temporary, just like your TMS physical symptoms are. My library has the book on audio for free with my library app and hearing Ms. Weekes read her own books is so calming and reassuring.
If you would like to try to do more with TMS, the Structured Educational Program can be really helpful. It basically instructs you to do your own therapy. It’s worth a try to see how it goes for you., scroll down the page at TMSwiki.org to find it. Go slow, do a bit at a time.
You will learn to use journaling to express yourself, and it can help you figure out what helps.
With high anxiety, it can also help to learn breathing techniques or meditation if you can. Anything to help calm your nervous system.
Evenings can be hard when you feel alone with yourself, but eventually it will change.

 

Thank you @Cactusflower. I have now downloaded Claire Weekes book. I already have one of Dr Sarno's books on there and another on my Kindle. I have recently added Schubiner's 28 day program to my kindle. I started Alan Gordon's program on here but then lost the impetus. I think I need to plan my day and stick to it. At the moment just existing moment to moment.
Suppressing / repressing emotions is a big thing for me. My mother was, I feel, very closed off. She would not even say she didn't like something. The word "hate" was banned. She was a very private person.
Also I get disapproval from some people when I do raise my voice a little because I am passionate/excited about something. My sister is one of those people. My ex did not approve of me standing up for things and everything was my fault.
I also have had a lot of frustration over work.... speaking up has not helped. I seem to be struggling with ageism, bullying, apathy, the system, government regulations. Add that to my son's rejection of me and I came to the conclusion I am the problem. That is of course black and white thinking and I can acknowledge that but not accept it. It was similar with my last job where they thought I was great but there were times when I wasn't given direction and didn't have anything to do and I was in a position where I was working under someone's direction so I believed my opinion of myself not their opinion. I need self approval and self compassion.
I have always had trouble with breathing exercises although I have recently been doing one of Kristin Neff's compassion exercises with breathing and thinking about a problem and breathing in compassion for self. It goes on to breathing in compassion for self and out for someone else who I think needs it. I think having to think about something else helps me.
The eating thing started 11 years ago when I looked after my mum for several months and it was all too much. I wasn't anxious then just frustrated. I've only just realised a couple of weeks ago that I actually had a choice and did not need to look after her. No one else would step up to the plate so I felt I had to do it, that it was expected. Good old T will do it! She's the oldest. So the eating is a lack of interest and rarely any hunger but when I am stressed/anxious it is actually "I can't face eating this or anything else." Also when I am busy or engrossed in something I simply forget to eat.
I guess one thing is all the repressing of myself is me not aligning with my values and being myself, and self acceptance of myself and all my flaws. My subconscious brain is trying to keep me safe as I have already been kicked out of the tribe so to speak by my son and I fear that I will be kicked out by others and be all alone and therefore vulnerable to the wolves, starvation whatever and I think being older that I feel more vulnerable than when younger.
All very complex/confusing.
Thanks again for your support. I will try again and not beat myself up or give up when I slip up.

 

@Anon
It's great that you have resources. The Structured Educational Program is enough to work through. You choose it OR you choose Alan Gordon's work, which doesn't address emotions and working through them that much, so I think you are on the right path.
Note that "being kicked out of the tribe" by your son in itself is upsetting, but that it probably takes your mind back to times a long time ago when you've felt like it feels now. Keep telling yourself that what he is going through might be temporary.
Ah, yes. Mum's who can't deal with anyone's emotions but their own. My own Mum can dislike anyone and everyone, but no way can anyone dislike her or anything she does because she is always right I had just about 0 realization that I'd totally internalized that and it was created HEAPS of rage, because it meant that I had nothing of value to offer. That's all changed now! This work can help in so many ways!
Take it slow.
It's taken you your whole life to get to this place, and trying to force yourself to change and change now is just more internal self-pressure. Work on these things MAX an hour a day. A little reading or listening, a little of the 28 day program. I actually split the program days up into two because they were kind of long. So it took me 50 days to complete the program and that was a nice sweet pace that my mind and nervous system can handle.