Did I Just Face My Fear?

Hey all.

it’s been a minute! I hope everyone is doing well. I wanted to share something that literally just happened (about 5 minutes agro when writing this) and want to pick your brains.

I’ve been trying to learn to feel my emotions more and more. I finished the SEP about a week ago, and while I didn’t do the journaling so much I did take away so much from it, and when a new journaling style was introduced I gave it at least one try. I’m still open to journaling but still pretty avoidant of it.

all that to say that I took a break to do some journaling lol. After journaling about a current stressor I also decided to journal about a personality trait; the trait being having trouble feeling my emotions.

That led me to look for meditations on facing fears. I’ve identified my biggest repressed emotion to be existential dread. I found one by Johnathan Gregory Lapshinoff called, “facing fear of death”.

I listened to it. It was very intense. Around the halfway point he had me imagining a loved one growing old and dying. This is when I had, what I would call and extreme reaction.

while doing the exercise at first I felt like I was going to cry. And then I started to breath frantically. And then my face and arms started to tingle. My face involuntarily scrunched up my lips felt like they were stuck pursed. My hands tightened and felt stuck in a half fist. Almost as if someone was pulling on all my tendons toward my core. My stomach didn’t feel nauseous but it felt tight and warm. When I opened my eyes things looked hazy for a moment but that may have just been from having them closed.

this slowly wore off. Everything still felt like it wanted to be scrunched up but less intensely. I didnt notice my heart rate but I’m sure it was fast. I was still pretty shaky up until right before I came to write this.

I’ve never experienced anything like this. I told myself in the moment not to fight it and that it couldn’t kill me (funny thing to say when facing a fear of death) but I think it helped me to not stop what was happening. Though I think I may have bottled it a bit near the end. I heard him asking me to imagine the same thing for myself and having reservations in the moment of filling imagining myself being dead.

what was that? A panic attack? I’ve read that tingling can be a symptom of a panic attack but this wasn’t just tingling. It felt like being a puppet being bulled tight on its strings.

after words I tried soothing myself and felt possibly a little euphoria? Full disclosure I used to do party drugs, which work by activating your serotonin receptors. So when I feel feelings like I did when I was taking those drugs I assume it’s being caused by a big release of serotonin.

Anyway I feel better! Or the same? Idk!! But it was such an intense reaction I wanted to pick your brains! I wanted to see if anyone else has experienced anything similar.

Hope everyone is well

 

Hi Eli,
So glad to see you back. Wow that’s some hardcore work you’re doing, there! Not for the faint of heart. I would say that wasn’t a panic attack in the traditional sense. But it was severe anxiety. And as we know, TMS is anxiety. The puppet string being pulled tight and the curling hands is exactly what I have right now. It’s such a weird sensation!

You know, I had two things come to mind reading your post. 1)Why are you resistant to journaling? Is it because you hate to write? You could try making recordings instead. Or is it you don’t want to dig in in there and see what’s hiding? 2) Did you have someone important to you die when you were young or someone talk about death or threaten they would die? Because that would sure make death an extra scary thing. ( of course it is for everyone!) But for a child, it’s even scarier. Just curious if that’s contributing to your anxiety.

Fantastic news you finished SEP and you’re still working on recovery. Are you feeling better?

 

I don’t know why I’m so adverse to journaling. Probably my brain trying to convince me not to do it.

and I don’t remember any major deaths affecting me when I was young. All I can remember is a conversation I had with my mom about death when I was around 12. I dont know how we got on the subject but I it was the first time I realized my mom was gonna die and it was the first time I ever felt the pit in my stomach.

 

Hmmm well that was probably a hard moment. Who knows? Maybe you are just a sensitive soul. I know that I am. By the time I was about 8 I really believed in God. And I know if I didn’t, even to this day, I’d be pretty nervous about death.

I hope you can find some peace. And to answer your question: yes, it does seem like you faced your fear. That was brave!