Did You Make Any Major Lifestyle Changes?

Hi,

I'm new to TMS and this site. I'm currently doing the SEP program. I have a question for people who are farther along in the TMS process.

Identifying pressures and repressed anger is part of the process but what happens when you recognize something that creates stress and anger for you but you cannot change?

Mine is working. I've always been career-minded and ambitious but when it comes to my career during the past 3 years all I can think about is traveling and taking a break. If I listen to my soul it screams at me!! But.. I can't just quit. I have 2 kids and am married and we need 2 incomes.

Have any of you ever made huge changes in your life because of something you recognized that contributed to pressure and stress? If so, how did you do it?

I do not mean to sound like a baby but this really bothers me. I've tried taking days off. I regularly take time to myself. I take my lunch breaks and incorporate things I like. I try to get away from the cubicle and get sunshine. I sit on our patio, I try to have conversations with co-workers but I can never shake the feeling that I just want a break to do even more soul searching.

Thanks for any info you can share..

 

Hi Ines. Sorry you're in a soul-sucking situation at work.
Sounds like your mind --and maybe your pain too--are trying to tell you to make a change. Can you find a different position at the same firm? Or search for a different position elsewhere? You mention that you take time for yourself, and take breaks during the work day. If you're still so stressed, something may need to change.
My father worked for the same firm for 44 years, but those days are gone. Now it's common for people to change jobs every few years, and to completely reinvent themselves from time to time.
In our family, we had two incomes, but we made some pretty drastic changes and lived off of one income for several years after our daughter was born. it's not for everyone, but it worked well for us.
I guess my point is that there are always options! I'll be praying you well as you discern what to do.

 

Hi Gigi,
Yes, I can find a different position or even a different job. I did so a while back and after 2 years they offered me my job back here which was better pay and a shorter commute so I took it. Still, I wrestle with what options I have every day. I wrestle with the dilemma that if I change my position or get a different job I will have other pressures like financial or something unknown like a horrible boss or bad commute. I feel stuck and I'm trying to listen to my inner wisdom but I don't want to trade in one pressure for another.
Thank you for your advice. I hope by praying and meditating the answer will come and work out for the best. Maybe it's all about timing? I just wish it didn't bother me so much. I mean everybody has to work to survive.
Have a good day : )

 

Hi Ines,
I definitely understand where you're coming from. When I first started the program I was terrified that I would have to change everything in my life, or the pain would never go away. Now I've realized that I don't need to change anything external... what I do need to change is my thinking.
Like you, I've also had moments where I felt I didn't have any choices (or any *good* choices) and I felt trapped. I have realized that this feeling of being trapped is one of the BIGGEST stressors for me! I just can't tolerate feeling confined and as though I have no choices. So it's very important for me to remind myself all the time, no matter what I'm going through or where I am, that I ALWAYS have choices -- even if they're not ideal choices.
In this case you have the choice to stay where you are, to think about your job differently (in a more positive light), to look for a different position in the same company (as Gigi suggested), or to start looking for other job possibilities online and posting your resume, etc. Do not worry about potential future problems (like a bad boss or a long commute). That's just fear of the unknown keeping you stuck! What is MOST important is that you are happy and healthy and feeling at peace with wherever you are RIGHT NOW. If this work situation is unbearable, I hope you can find a creative, smart, financially viable way to move into a different (possibly better!) job. If you don't listen or give in to the fear, I know you can do it! wish you all the best!!

 

Thanks Oceana15. You are so right. I feel stuck and that makes me angry. It's like my inner child is saying " I don't want to go to work, I want to play all day." I guess that's totally normal and we all go through it. You are right about the fear part too. That definitely keeps me in the same spot which feeds into the anger and frustration. I'll take your advice and really try to focus on the positive things I have going on here and hopefully this frustration will pass.
Thank you Gigi and Oceana15 for your thoughtful responses : )

 

You don't need to change your life and switch jobs. In fact I resigned from my job a long time ago for similar reasons to what you describe and my pain got worse. I then worried about other things.

You need to connect with the emotions surrounding your work. When I say connect, you need to feel the emotions attached to your work as a bodily sensation. An emotion is principally felt in the body. It is essential to not think about the events (travel, boss etc.) that created the negative emotions but to experience how they make you feel. Again, feeling but not thinking is key.

You also want to catch yourself when you start to have those negative thoughts and gently stop and get back to the present. Every little bit helps. There is no need to do it perfectly.

 

Hi ezer,
Can I ask you a question? Yesterday I was really frustrated with having to come to work. I was frustrated all day and had a migraine last night. In fact, there have been a few times where I know something angers me and I recognize that it's anger and I say ok let the anger come and feel the anger. Typically, I bottle everything up inside but I'm trying to not do that anymore. Once I feel the anger and frustration I either immediately or inevitably get a migraine. My question is, is that just something I have to go through and eventually the migraines will lessen? Or do I recognize it's anger and then make it stop? Wouldn't that be repressing it? Thank you for your advice.

 

Ines, part of the T-personality is to have high expectations of ourselves. When I started, I thought that I must get my symptoms out of my system in 3 months. That was my first mistake. Soon I learned how to become outcome-neutral - more or less :=). It takes what it takes and if you consider becoming patient a change of lifestyle - yes, you have to change it a bit. Another mistake was to obsess about doing it right, which is typical for T-personality. There is no right or wrong, you make your way to what becomes your way through trial and error - and it is normal, not right or wrong. And then I started doing what you are doing. Taking breaks, taking my lunch time to meditate, to do yoga, to do qi gong, to slow down. Slow is often faster - that's what I learned. It works, but everything takes longer than we expect, mainly because we need to find our own way. Remember, you are in the beginning of your journey to learn about yourself - take it one step at a time and it will all come.

On the subject of migraines: I think your issue with migraines is not that they come when you feel angry or frustrated, your issue is that you don't process your migraine out of your system by identifying the root cause and telling yourself that migraine came from that root cause. I was astonished when I was able to stop a migraine at 2 am instantly, by telling myself what caused it and bringing out the feeling of anger into my body.

 

Ok, I see what you're saying and I definitely still have a lot to figure out. I can't just recognize that I'm angry. I have to tell myself the migraine is here because of the anger. But, if I don't want the migraine at all and anger gives me one then I just need better self talk maybe. Like brain stop it. Stop trying to manifest into a migraine. Just feel the anger. I'm going to try that. Thanks for the advice.

 

Ines, anger is a tricky one. It is considered a secondary emotion that allows you to repress primary emotions.

You are angry because:
1) you feel trapped
2) you feel disrespected
3) you feel humiliated by a supervisor
4) you feel being taken for granted
5) you feel under appreciated
etc.

Those are the emotions you should experience in priority. The anger is a secondary reaction that allows you to repress those much more significant emotions that you do not want to feel (trapped, disrespected, humiliated).

 

Anger is not the only emotion that fuels TMS. Fear is another one. Any negative emotion can cause migraine.

 

YES! You are right. Where was I reading about 600 shades of emotions? Anger must have many shades.
Something happened today. Just before lunch a migraine was coming and the fear cycle started, anxiety, oh no, what do I do, I have to go home, am I blocked by my parking buddy, what about my projects? Then, I realized that going home is exactly what my brain wants to do. I said no, we're staying at work. You're not getting your way. It subsided. It's still there a little but it immediately stopped.
Then, I started reading the articles in Day 9 of SEP and the first one was about preoccupation and reinforcing your habits of letting the pain continue.
Boy, you guys are right. This will take a long time but every time I have a doubt or question I just keep reading or ask a question on the blog and the right answer at the right time is right there.
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! TRULY...

 

Hi Ines,
When I've started exploring my TMS, I also initially thought that my work was the cause. Like you, I'm career-focused and ambitious, but feel trapped in my current situation. But at least for me, these negative emotions are conscious and I'm aware of those. I cope with them, but those were never really repressed.

I think it was in Steve O's book The Great Pain Deception that TMS is not caused by things we know cause negative emotions. Like your job. It's caused by emotions that are entirely repressed, by a conflict between Id and Superego.

My guess that is that in my situation, the deeply repressed anger is due to a conflict between my Superego that says that I need to provide for my family and achieve status (come from a family of high achievers) and Id that just wants to draw, create, and have fun. So the repressed, unconscious rage is against my family and that's why it's repressed - I love them all and it's just unthinkable to me. It's still hard for me to process this and I don't have an answer to this yet.

 

Hi IvanSo,

I think you are right. I was journaling yesterday and was thinking about it and it is more repressed like you say. It's things like not being able to travel because of bills and having to live on 2 incomes and certain financial choices that were made that I have to deal with. You're right. I have to keep digging. I think there is more there. Thank you for the advice.