Doubt & fear of disappointment

Hi there,

Rationally, I'm completely convinced I have TMS. I've seen doctors, etc, blabla. I can come to no other conclusion. I've been told I have TMS (though not by a medical doctor).

However, doubt keeps bubbling up (which I know and believe is the TMS talking). Through honest JournalSpeak I've come to realise that one of the reasons (or maybe the main reason) part of me (the TMS part) keeps doubting that I have TMS is because of this:

I'm super afraid of it getting better, of being so happy and relieved the pain is gone, to then have it return fully and be back where I started. I actually see my happiness shattering in my head over and over and over. So then my mind's like, what's the point of even getting rid of the pain. Better to have it, but not be surprised by it, and not be disappointed again. I can feel that this is SUCH a control issue (I've talked about this before on here), but it's like a part of me can't handle the idea of happiness (or call it safety, or a life without pain), because happiness isn't something I should rely on (I won't go into my life story and therapy here).

Any thoughts or people who recognise this?
Thanks again in advance!

 

You are tying a state of happiness to your success or failure of overcoming your TMS. The work you are doing to recover from TMS will help free you from your TMS symptoms, but it is not the key to happiness. Happiness comes in small bursts throughout the day for a variety of reasons regardless of your physical state. You can have TMS and still experience happiness. You can be free of TMS and still be unhappy.

I think it would be useful to journal about all the things in life that have the potential to make you feel happiness that are not related to your body. Then decide to cultivate those things daily. These can be small things that you experience in short bursts. They will expand when you make an effort to pay attention to them.

 

Thanks! I don't think it's that exactly - I experience a lot of happiness actually, also during pain, and often I practice feeling joy and happiness in moments of severe pain (I think it's an Alan Gordon exercise I found somewhere on here).

It's more like I'm sabotaging my hope or something:
I feel optimistic about my journaling - a vision of a future without pain pops into my head - I feel this great hope and relief (what if this works?! What if I can actually become free of pain?!!) - and then it shatters and I think don't kid yourself - it probably won't work - better to not hope - better to not be disappointed..

And I'm scared that in doing this I'm also sabotaging my ability to heal..? It even feels scary to share this.

 

I’d suggest working on Afformations, and reading any book by Claire Weekes.

Your “fear” is simply your inner bully telling you you’re are not good enough to heal (journal on that one) and it’s just anxiety thoughts, nothing more. Don’t give it too much weight.

Here’s a thread you might find useful, scroll down to see many great inspires on afformations.

https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/inner-bully-self-criticism-and-self-abandonment.28662/ (Inner Bully, Self Criticism, and Self Abandonment)

Claire Weekes is our favorite for anxiety and anxious, and defeatist thoughts. She gives clear and precise direction and assurance on how to deal with all forms of anxiety.

 

Do you think it’s possible that it’s your TMS brain trying to keep you from digging even deeper into your emotions? For me, I’ve learned there is a super deep well of secrets and rage. Keep digging.

 

Just reading about Claire Weekes on this wiki has helped a lot. Much less anxious now, so thanks!