Alex B. Feeling or expressing anger

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Question

Hi,

When I write down my emotional pains or pressures, I feel like anger might be the reason for this TMS. Do I have to be just aware of that anger, for example if I find out that I am angry on at my father, do I have to just know about it? I can't express that anger towards my father. Do I need to act on it? If I have to just feel it, how do I feel that anger?

Also in daily life I get angry about a lot of things. How do I react to those things?

Thanks in advance

 

Answer

Hi Raj, thanks for writing. I've heard your question, and ones very similar to it, many many times. You're not alone! Sometimes it can be frustrating to be told "All you need to do is be aware of the problem and it will go away". Yet here you are, feeling like you have identified the issue, while the pain remains.

There is no doubt that you have taken a very important step in acknowledging that you do indeed have these feelings of anger towards your father. The question now is what you do with those feelings. The problem is that despite taking that step of acknowledging that they are there, these feelings still produce reactions of anxiety and fear; in your mind they they are illicit and unacceptable. It is very hard for you to separate the feeling itself from the action that those feelings inspire, say yelling at your father or someone else who makes you angry. Because you are afraid that you may do this, and of the consequences that would result, you are still cutting yourself off from the actual feeling, even if you do acknowledge that it is there.

The next step is not necessarily to act on or express the feelings but learn to tolerate and experience them. To realize that you can feel and explore feelings of anger and that you don't have to explode. Giving yourself permission to feel the feelings that are truly there is a powerful tool for self-validation, a way to care for and legitimize yourself. Once you are able to simply feel the feeling, it is up to you what you do with it. If you do feel the need to express yourself, then you can do it assertively instead of aggressively. Stand up and advocate for yourself rather than lash out at who many be hurting you.

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