Flares

Flares. Oh, how we all love to talk about them! Why? Because we’re scared. We’re afraid they might stick. Or, they’re a sign we’re getting worse. Somehow reporting it and getting sympathy feels like the way to go.

But it isn’t. First off: it’s total reinforcement to your TMS brain that you’re playing victim. Second, if it is part of your subconscious that wishes to talk to you, shouldn’t you just be listening. Not panicking? Feeling, instead of freaking?

When has a flare never failed to pass? They always pass, right? Eventually? They always do. Think about it.

So the bottom line with a flare is: you’re put out. You can’t function as well. But, is this really true?

In our crazed anxiety and shame (yes, we’re ashamed of a flare. Surely it must be our fault)—we forget to think of all the millions of ways to distract ourselves from or work around the pain or setback.

A friend of mine on this forum was bedridden and peeled vegetables in bed —to be useful and to get on with her life. And, it ended up getting her eventually out of bed. She said it was a turning point.

I’m writing a novel longhand right now with my cramped hands. It is the joy of my days. The slower speed of longhand has really helped the creative process. I had no idea it would.

Personally, I’m getting really tired of myself, judging the value of my days by symptom intensity. What am I? A lab experiment, or a person? There’s WAY more to me than nerve endings. My soul can still fly. Every single day. Unrestricted. It can fly higher all the time.

Wishing you all a beautiful flight today. ❤️

 

Just love this whole post, Diana!
As you know, I have resumed reading books...slowly. There's a different pleasure to it than reading quickly. Maybe this is a gift!

 

See?! There are gifts all along this journey! Glad you are reading again.

 

Love this. I think what you've described is outcome independence. No matter what my body does, I am free to be me.

 

Diana, I wrote an essay about the slow reading and emotional repression...I wrote this a couple of months ago, and if I wrote it today I would speak more strongly about my symptoms being mind-body. But perhaps still of interest: https://ifstudies.org/blog/summer-is-a-great-time-for-a-return-to-slow-reading (Summer is a Great Time For a Return to Slow Reading)

 

“Reading it—and I’m currently only about two-thirds of the way through after six weeks—has been an exercise in humility, in pain, in surrender, and in relief.“

“for the first time since graduate school, it also means that I am really reading a book.

“Proper reading requires leisure, but those who read as part of their work rarely read leisurely…”

Dixie, @dlane2530
I LOVE your article! My favorite quotes are above. I relate so much!

I used to be able to type at the speed of thought. I could write 3,000 words like falling off a log. Writing longhand felt like chiseling something in stone. I was frustrated. I also cut a lot of corners while writing, because of it. But I didn’t know that, until I started writing longhand again.

People’s’ brains and psyches are high-jacked these days. It’s such a gift to go back in time, so you speak, and get our joy back. And it happened because of TMS for us.

I loved your description of how reading slower is helping you savor the book. That’s so cool you discovered a way to read and relax your TMS strain.

I noticed since I got a Kindle years ago I started reading faster and faster. Something about the flat screen helps. I’m going to try and slow down and savor my reads a little more. Thanks to your insights!

 

Aw, thank you, Diana!

I can relate to the fast typing...I realized a couple of years ago that though I feel really alive while writing, I'm also super physically tense at the computer. Now I'm reaping what I sowed with that tension...learning how to relax while on the computer is going to be a big and ongoing part of my healing.

I have noticed recently, now that I'm seeing a lot better, that I'm much tenser and have many more symptoms at the computer when I am READING vs. when I am WRITING. When I am writing it is all falling away. But reading or just tooling around on the computer comes with a lot of fear, pain, and tension. One of my bad TMS habits is flicking my eyes around a lot, trying to check constantly whether I can see at different distances (there's also an element of scanning for danger in this). Well, on the computer, when you read you have to move your eyes around a lot. In my progressives, that's something I'm still not super chill about. And yet the tension is way higher than it ought to be while doing this.

Fascinating!

(At some point I will probably ask the eye doc for a dedicated pair of reading/computer glasses...but right now I am just trying to chill. I can tell that a ton of the tension is NOT from the eyes adjusting but from the fear/stress.)

Also, after a LOT of eye pain at the computer this afternoon I went outside and shot baskets with my kids. Shooting baskets actually ALSO involves a lot of switching from near to distance with your eyes, tracking movement, etc...but I did fine

 

The merits of slowing down. This reminds me of what it says in a mind/body workbook that I recently bought and am using. Flicking through it I noticed this passage about speeding through social media...

"Speeding through social media in this way might not feel intense to you. In fact, it might even feel comfortable, a familiar way of relaxing when you have a few free minutes. However, speeding through things in this way—hurrying through one moment just to make it to the next—is a hallmark of intensity. Remember that something can feel comfortable because it’s familiar, but comfort doesn’t necessarily translate into a sense of safety for your nervous system." ~ Vanessa M. Blackstone, from The Pain Reprocessing Therapy Workbook: Using the Brain's Neuroplasticity to Break the Cycle of Chronic Pain

 

Oh snap! Yep. Everything super fast. That’s what I’ve done for years. No wonder!

 

@dlane2530
It sounds like you are really learning a lot and making some great progress. You seem different— in a good way. More calm. It’s awesome! Isn’t it cool all the changes that come?

 

Thank you for that feedback, Diana! It really helps to get an outside perspective. Yes, getting calmer is definitely the biggest difference! I really needed that trip...I had hours and hours of good regulation with no triggers most day. Really helped reset me.