From Broken to Ultra: A Chronic Pain Journey

October 26, 2022 I made my Day 1 post on the Structured Educational Program forum: https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/2022-a-pain-in-the-whole-body.26542/ (Day 1 - 2022 A Pain in the .....whole body)

Crazy to believe that was almost exactly two years ago. At that time I was about 8 months into my chronic pain journey and wasn't sure what the future looked like for me. I was at one of the lowest points in my life and was searching for way to make it all better.

A lot can change in two years. It was a slow and gradual change but I cannot deny that I am in a much better place. I went from feeling broken, full of anxiety, and constant wide spread body pain to someone who is much stronger (physically and mentally) and capable of handling life and all the ups and downs that may come with it. It makes me emotional to look back at that first post and to be reminded of how I felt back then. It was a very difficult time and like so many people on here, I obsessed over my pain and was working so hard at trying to fix it. Overtime I become less and less obsessed and just learned to let it be. I wish I could say that part was easy but it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Two years of therapy (chronic pain and IFS) and all of my self help research and reading helped it happen very slowly. I had to let go of wanting to feel "like I used" and learn to become someone who felt good now. I knew it wasn't going to happen overnight and started to focus on the 0.01% of improvement I was feeling everyday. I would get stuck and revert back to wanting to feel better instantly but when I really sat down and looked at how things were going, I could see a big difference in how I was feeling each month. Sometime in the last few months it all just seemed to click. I was no longer obsessing about how I felt and worried about how it might come back. Once I noticed that, I finally realized that I am healed - and what an amazing feeling that is.

Don't get me wrong, I still have random things pop up from time to time but I can easily see it for what it is, TMS. An old response that has been activated during a stressful time. The main difference is that I no longer fear it. I see it for what it is and know that I will be okay. I no longer believe that I'm broken. But boy did it take me some time to feel this way.

To show myself I wasn't broken and that I could trust my body, I did what anyone would do....I signed up for a 50K Ultramarathon (31 mile trail run). The longest I had ever run at this point in time was 13 miles. And I was going to start training for the run 1o months after my chronic pain journey started. I started slow since I knew I had time (9 months) to build up my milage. A 5K program turned into a half marathon training program and then into a full marathon training program. Training for those nine months was tough. I had to learn to be okay with not feeling great. My body was tired and sore a lot of the time. I had constant thoughts about how the upcoming week will break me as milage crept up - "maybe this is it, maybe 22 miles is all I can run in a week before it becomes too much." I had lots of fears of getting injured how that would prove that I couldn't do it. But I kept on going and used what I learned in therapy (and my therapy sessions) to work on a lot of those feelings. After a while, the multiple hour runs became a form of therapy. I remember doing inner child work while on the runs and connecting with pieces of myself that I hadn't connected with in a long time. And it all paid off, on August 19, 2023 I completed my first 50K (and first ever organized race). 31 miles in the woods of Marquette Michigan. I couldn't believe. I was so proud of myself.

I wish I could say that was the day I knew I was all good. But it wasn't. I still had some miles left on my healing journey. I enjoyed the ultramarathon so much that me and my buddy who ran with me decided to sing up for another in April 2024. The training continued and I continued on with my healing journey. The week leading up to this race was tough. I had a lot of old symptoms popping up and the night before the race my old best friend, my original (OG) symptom came back as my left hip started to ache. I reassured myself that I would be okay and that worst case, I'd have to slow down some and maybe walk a little more. I was thinking about my hip right up until we started. As we got into the race it all disappeared and I was once again spending an awesome day in the woods with my best friend. I finished that race almost 2 hours faster than my first ultra. Once again, I was so proud of myself.

At this point in time, I knew I was getting better and feeling more "normal" - not even sure what normal is any more. I guess normal for me is just not obsessing about how I'm feeling. I could wake up in the morning and not have my first thought go to "how do I feel this morning. Is everything okay?" But I still felt like I had little ways to go.

I took a break from therapy since my therapist had told me that I have the skill set I need to continue to do this work on my own. It was hard to believe that but she was right. A majority of the therapy was happening outside of our one hour meetings with all the work I was doing to better myself. I think that was one of the turning points for me. I finally felt confident in myself and my ability to handle all of this. I continued with work and kept doing my thing.

In July I completed my third 50K and six weeks ago I completed a 40 mile "fun run" with my best friend on the Pictured Rocks National Shoreline trail. We completed the run on our own, so it wasn't an organized race and that meant we had to carry all of our supplies with us and stop to filter our own water along the way. I had decided to run the 40 miles as a tribute to my brother-in-law who had died in January 2024 of cancer. He was 40 years old.

What an amazing day that was. We were hurting, but we had so much fun. We both accomplished something that we never would have thought was possible just one year ago. Five years prior to the fun run, we were both in Marquette on a hiking trip and we came across a big group of people and section of the trail that was blocked off. We asked what was going on and they said it was an ultramarathon and that people were running 31 or 50 mile races. We both looked at each other and laughed and said aloud "why would anyone ever do that? What a bunch of crazy bastards" Well, we were now those crazy bastards. It still feels surreal that we're running like we are. I never saw myself as a runner or ever wanting to run this far. Yet here we are in October of 2024 and we have an 18 mile run and camping trip planned for next Saturday. I now say things like "oh, just 18 miles" when someone asks me how far we're running next Saturday......just 18. What's even more exciting is that I know our conversation on the trail next week will go into us discussing what 50 mile race we try for in 2025. I don't know how long my ultra obsession will stick around but I'm grateful that I found it as it helped me find myself.

I don't know when I started to feel better but I know that I'm feeling better now. I have to thank everyone who contributes to this page as it was a large part of my healing journey. I'm thankful for all the helpful resources that are out there that helped me understand what I was going through: Alan Gordon's work, Nicole Sachs, Dan Buglio, The Mind and Fitness Podcast, John Sarno, and the list goes on. If you believe you have TMS, keep showing up and putting in the work. You won't feel better overnight but you will start to feel better. I wish you all the best on your healing journey <3

 

Wow, what an inspiring story and journey. When that fear is disabled, it’s so freeing.

I love your final note to keep showing up and putting in the work.

Thank you for sharing.