Alex B. Getting rid of the last bit of pain

This question was submitted via our Ask a TMS Therapist program. To submit your question, click here.

Question

Hello! I have familiarized myself with TMS over many years. I first started getting pain at 13, and it has improved from unbearable and debilitating to an annoying linger. I have read the books, and participated in this forum before. I understand the type of personality that accompanies TMS, and I have many of those traits: people pleaser, I put a lot of pressure on myself, I'm a worrier, but mostly: I'm very driven.

My question is this, how do I begin to defeat the last bit of pain I'm going through, if I don't want to change this part of my personality? I don't want to stop being driven, and pushing myself. I have large dreams that I plan on pursuing and succeeding in. I don't want to let the fear of TMS hold me back from reaching my potential, but I know that the recommended routine is to "slow down". I'm not a crazy workaholic, I go out and have fun, I take breaks. But I have a huge desire to work hard and be successful. Can I balance this desire while still pursuing a pain-free life?

 

Answer

This is an interesting question, thanks for posting. I think this is a fine tuning issue, and it has to do not necessarily with traits per se, but rather how you relate to yourself as well as the mechanism the is underneath your drive and how you push yourself.

I think it's great that you have big dreams for your life and it's very important for you (and anyone else dealing with these issues) to understand that we are not trying to turn you into an unmotivated lump. But it is this very worry that offers insight into the problem. With people who are very driven we can often find, should we truly look, that what motivates that drive is an underlying fear and a low sense of self worth, something we also see with worry, people pleasing and so on. Often this can be virtually unconscious. It is the very fear that, should you not push yourself relentlessly, you will turn into a lump or not get things done that can reinforce that fear. What then happens is that the underlying context of your efforts is fear of what will happen should you fail and furthermore, a lack of trust that you can accomplish your goals without pressuring yourself.

Now you say that you give yourself breaks and have fun. That's great. However, the sense I get from your post is that this self-intimidating pattern locked in to your psyche early in life and became pretty entrenched. You have dealt with it to a degree and so you have had relief from the worst of it. But the lingering symptoms tell us that, to a degree, your relationship with yourself is still based on fear and your self-motivation is based on intimidation and consequence. You can begin to address this by simply bringing into your awareness and questioning it when you notice it's presence. Like I said, this process is usually totally unconscious: most people have no idea they are even bullying themselves. While giving yourself a "break" is a great start, I think that you need to fully understand how you relate to and see yourself in the context of striving and pushing. It can be done in a positive, supportive and excited way rather than one that is based on a lack of self-trust.

---

Any advice or information provided here does not and is not intended to be and should not be taken to constitute specific professional or psychological advice given to any group or individual. This general advice is provided with the guidance that any person who believes that they may be suffering from any medical, psychological, or mindbody condition should seek professional advice from a qualified, registered/licensed physician and/or psychotherapist who has the opportunity to meet with the patient, take a history, possibly examine the patient, review medical and/or mental health records, and provide specific advice and/or treatment based on their experience diagnosing and treating that condition or range of conditions. No general advice provided here should be taken to replace or in any way contradict advice provided by a qualified, registered/licensed physician and/or psychotherapist who has the opportunity to meet with the patient, take a history, possibly examine the patient, review medical and/or mental health records, and provide specific advice and/or treatment based on their experience diagnosing and treating that condition or range of conditions.

The general advice and information provided in this format is for informational purposes only and cannot serve as a way to screen for, identify, or diagnose depression, anxiety, or other psychological conditions. If you feel you may be suffering from any of these conditions please contact a licensed mental health practitioner for an in-person consultation.

Questions may be edited for brevity and/or readability.