Help!!

I’ve been dealing with TMS for many years……plantar fasciitis, vertigo, hip pain, knee pain, flushing, rash…..the one right now is kicking my butt. I have Allan’s book, I watch him and others everyday. My parents are both very feeble and they live 2000 miles away and REFUSE to go to assisted living. My siblings and I are not the best of friends and we are working together (which is nice) but they and my parents make me angry for so many reasons. Anyway I am clenching at night to the point I have not been able to chew for a week. I’ve run a low grade fever and my glands on the clenching side are swollen. They hurt. If I bend over it hurts!!! I know it’s repressed rage and anger…I’ve been journaling and doing kundalini yoga to release anger. I’ve been using my husband for a therapist and cried my eyes out the last few days. Crying has ALWAYS worked and it isn’t. I cannot chew. I’ve tried to push through the pain and it makes it way worse. The other thing….is I hate taking Ibuprofen and I’ve taken 6 a day for the last 4 days. I initially went to the dentist thinking I needed a crown and she said nope….the clenching will do that. And maybe I picked up a virus?? Or would TMS give me swollen glands and fever?? I’m hungry () soup and smoothies are making me mad and maybe it’s reinforcing it. I’m a little better only with Ibuprofen. I’m being bombarded my texts from my siblings and worried about my parents. This is not a short term problem…I just got back from Florida 3 weeks ago to help..I have a son with special needs so I can’t be away, my sister is leaving and brother is going as we speak. My parents are stubborn as hec….it shouldn’t be on us to clean up. My dad’s been in the hospital for over a week, my mom not well herself….Ugh!!!!! I have a mouth guard but it’s just CLENCH to the max!!

 

Yep. Your parents are stubborn as heck...
so why MUST you fix them?
Dad is in the hospital and being taken care of. His care is not in your control.
Your mom refuses to get outside help? If they don't live in a care facility, can they get a bit of in home care during the week?
Clearly they desire some independence.
My mom expects her kids to take 100% care of her and solve all her problems and really pressured me to move back near her (I'd like to point out that although I moved from the country, she moved an hour away from her support system at her choice!)
You are not responsible for your parents poor decisions.
It's OK to be angry and to love them at the same time. This flare is not about the conscious anger and frustration you currently feel, you certainly aren't repressing that! It's about the deep seated unconscious rage that the situation is bringing up, and the patterns from the past it is reflecting ... and most often the inner conflict this creates: the rage vs the caring child, the struggle for control vs feeling out of control. The stress, worry, rumination it creates. It's about feeling unheard and unable to express this extreme stress.
Your message is a whirl wind. I bet it feels like your brain is spinning at 1,000 miles a minute.
Slow down and breathe. Just breathe.
Your brother is going to take care of things right now. That's covered.
You are at home able to take care of your son. Breathe.
You and your siblings need to have a meeting, and each take a few minutes to be able to explain your stress level. No getting into your stories, just explain how stressed you are so that you can gauge the situation better.
Look at resources in your parents town for senior citizens. Social workers, in home care (even just a few hours a week), (hospitals often have social workers you can access while your Dad is in the hospital - they are often armed with a variety of resources to help your family decide if home can serve his needs).
This is a stressful time, and like all flares, it will pass.
You don't want to eat the food you think you "should" then eat what you want, or don't eat, or whatever. Stop pressuring yourself so much and take a step back. Make a list of all the things you feel are out of your control in your life. Now make a list of all the things you actually CAN control. Get some perspective.
It sounds like part of you thinks you must carry all the burden on your own (or pass it to your husband). You don't. If you need some therapy for a time (because hubby isn't your therapist), get that help.

Read Claire Weekes Hope and Help For Your Nerves to learn to deal with your anxiety.

This too will pass.

 

Oh, DeepFeeler, my heart goes out to you.
One of the things we learn too late is that we are never prepared for our parents aging and then subsequent passing.
I feel your pain. I've been there.
Everything you are feeling and experiencing is 100% normal.
I don't have a lot of advice for you as it sucks no matter how you slice it.
Please know that your symptoms are exactly what you think they are. Nothing dangerous. It's all from your (reasonable!) anger, rage, stress, anxiety and complicated feelings over this.

It's so hard when you feel such anger and rage toward your parents when at the same time they are also getting old and then will be dying.
That's a hell of a complicated thing for our brains and emotions.
You want to kill 'em because they are making you so crazy, but you also want to stop them from ever dying.
What's a poor brain to do with that kind of thing swirling inside?

In the hopes that misery loves company, I went through something similar. Dad with terminal illness. Mother a bitch. Dad has slight remission. Mother diagnosed with same terminal illness. Dad out of remission. Dad dies. Mom's bitchy side goes into HIGH GEAR. Mom dies less than 2 years after Dad.
The whole thing spanned something like six years.
Years of intense anxiety, pain, suffering and mind/emotional fuckery.

Some people seem to have minds and bodies that can sail through that. For others of us our physical systems go haywire.
I didn't learn about TMS until afterwards.
You have an advantage in that way. You know how interconnected the mind and the body are.
You can feel all the things you are feeling without worrying that they are something physically wrong.
Your body is coping the best way it knows how.
Keep doing your writing stuff down. Keep doing your crying. Keep doing whatever releases as much as you can.
And remember it's OK to be mad as fuck at your parents even while you understand it's hard for them, etc.

Wishing you a few moments of peace and calm.
I'll end with saying that part you mention about you and your siblings working together really is a treasure. That was the one bright spot in my whole fiasco. My brother and I became close during that time. My sister and I had some amazing laughs throughout the whole horrid time. There's a photo of the two of us with big, giant laughing smiles on our face. All during this shitty time.
Find your fun and happy moments when they come. And don't feel bad about having them.

 

Thank you so much for your long and thoughtful reply…..you are so right. I’ve been the giver in the family and the people pleaser for sure! I can’t believe this but I had a feeling about my excruciating tooth and got a second opinion…..I have an abscess. My dentist missed it even though I called her three times to tell her about the pain. So this makes ALOT of sense WHY I’m into much pain….but I really need to listen to your advice because I take responsibility for everyone’s feelings and also just plain don’t let go…..Thank you!!!!

 

Thank you for your thoughtful reply!! My parents are stubborn, tight with their money and want to be independent…..it’s so hard on me because I’m the feeler and stuff just makes me so sad. My siblings kind of just roll with it and don’t worry about it!! I went and got a second opinion and I have a tooth abscess ! That’s why I’m in so much pain and have a swollen face. My dentist missed it. Your points are so well taken however. I need to work on so many things. My siblings and I are really different…it’s like they don’t feel anything and I got all of the feeling genes!! This experience is helping our relationship but I’m not sure they are my “people.” But at least we are working together. I hope I can be myself because my whole life I just don’t speak up cause I’m so sensitive and feel it isn’t valued….but that’s not why I got on here again…Thank you so much!!!

 

Oh gosh. That's bizarre. An abscess is a tough thing to miss!
Hope you have some good antibiotics.

I know what you mean about the difference between you and your siblings. It definitely seemed like my siblings rolled with the punches while I was an anxious mess. It didn't help that I was my mother's designated emotional punching bag. Her words. We all had our roles. That was mine.

 

Yes I’m taking 4 antibiotics a day for 7 days….already after 1 I feel it calming….that is a huge miss and I’m not going to her again.

That is very sad your mom said you were her emotional punching bag. I mean….how cruel!!! I’m sorry that happened to you and I’m so happy you are healing. I have a very complicated relationship with my parents. My dad was mean, just a control freak, he’d listen to phone calls, drive by when I was playing on the playground, he’d open letters. He talked about how many calories I was eating…in fact my parents put me on a diet at age 6! He was critical. Never once hugged me or just said something nice. I was never enough. He would physically harm her a lot.My mom is a functioning alcoholic and cheated on him with her high school sweetheart for 30 years….they will be married 65…She wasn’t a mom…more like a “friend”. Sneaking booze and boyfriend….so crazy. I just kept my mouth shut and basically spent my life at the neighbors!! You couldn’t have feelings in our house….for me I stuffed my feelings down at an early age!!

I’m sure so many people on here have all their own stories. I have 2 boys and I’m not perfect but I’ve broken a lot of cycles…!!