I fucking hate my parents and my brother

I don't know, Patrick - although I don't feel like this is new information, and there are too many posts going back too many months to figure that out. I'm pretty sure that I've already castigated your parents myself, for so obviously failing to live up to the commitment of love and protection that every parent should be making when they bring a child into the world. If this is in fact the first time that you've been able to make this statement "out loud" as it were, then I would say that it's a start. But it's only a start.

The problem that I see (and I'm repeating myself, and I know that others have said similarly) is that you are just scratching the surface of your deeply-buried emotions, and you are too resistant to going deeper, which is why therapy has failed the few brief times you tried it. You gotta make a commitment and hang in there no matter how fucking hard it is. Because for you, it's going to be like digging through concrete with a spoon. You have to be willing to believe that it will be worth it.

You are very attached to being a victim, and you expect to fail. You can't recover from this shit until you disengage from victimhood and until you can honestly visualize success for yourself. All of these things require a level of self-compassion which I do not think you possess, because you never received it as a child. I sincerely grieve for that child, as I sincerely do for you today, because I get that you are really suffering.

Don't forget that when I say "you", as I've told you many, many times, I am referring to your deeply traumatized unconscious brain, because these behaviours are still beyond your conscious control.

I don't know where your brother fits in, but I'll be the first to say that sibling relationships are problematic even in good families. And yours was clearly not a good family.

All of this is my non-professional opinion, of course. Just my instincts, really.

~Jan