Inner Peace

I've recently been battling tms and have been having success with it. I do quite a bit of meditation which brings up suppressed feelings and emotions. When I was very young I experimented sexually with a friend. We were very young at the time. I never identified as being gay It just seemed like a strange phase. I knew I wasn't gay then but it still made life a bit confusing and made me doubt myself. I've never been completely at peace with this part of my life and have never told anyone. There was another boy a couple of years later who was a few years younger which I almost did stuff with but choose not to I think I carry allot of guilt about this. I would certainly never tell any one. So I thought I would post it here to hopefully let go of any guilt and tension that I have carried.

thanks!
Martin

 

Martin: Not sure if you need to hear this but..You are forgiven. Very courageous to of you to share. Peace be with you.

 

My understanding is that many, perhaps most, kids experiment in the way you describe. This Wikipedia entry: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_Reports states that 37% of heterosexual men report at least one homosexual experience.

I think you are holding yourself to a high standard which is typical of many of us tms-ers! Welcome to the forum, Martin.

 

Martin, as njoy said, these experiences are far more commonplace than many people suspect. Especially because you're not alone in feeling like you have to keep them a secret! Many of us are conditioned from the time we are young to feel shame about our sexual identity and activity. This sense of shame is amplified if when we feel we are not "normal". Experimentation is very important for young people as they work to figure out how they fit into the world around them. While the guilt and confusion you may feel about these experiences makes perfect sense, it is important to know that you need not feel ashamed about them as there is absolutely nothing wrong with them!

I think it is great that you have been able to identify these experiences as the sources of subsequent doubt and confusion. This can give you an edge when dealing with these issues as you move forward. Your inner bully can use these kinds of experiences to make you feel bad about yourself and that you are somehow broken or have done something wrong. You can stand up for yourself and tell that bully that you have no reason to feel guilty or ashamed and that what you did was completely normal for any child your age.

 

thanks all! too kind.
I think your right about the perfectionist mind here. When I'm not feeling happy I will scan through my mind and think of things I'm not happy about...inevitably something will come up! I think the emotions I've been dealing with here are guilt and fear. One level that makes me feel guilty was that one of my friends was about three and a half years younger then me...although both pre-puberty this makes me feel disappointed in myself. The fear comes from hearing about child abuse stories all the time. I automatically go back to that experience and check with myself that I didn't do anything wrong, being older I feel I should have known better, of course in reality I didn't do anything wrong...

talking about it hear is certainly helping! thank you all xxx

 

Hi, Martin. Kids play games and some may be as they discover sexuality. It's when adult men get too
familiar with boys or girls, especially those in their care and trust.

If every man would be honest with himself, he'd admit he has strong feelings for at least some other men.
Best friends may have to be careful not to show their real feelings for another.
I've been very fortunate in having several best friends who are straight, as I am, but who have told me
they love me. They hug me and even kiss me on the cheek. It doesn't threaten their masculinity.

Be glad you had the boyhood intimacy experiences and don't let them concern you.

My belief is that homophobes are men who will not admit to themselves that they have strong feelings
for at least some men. They have TMS repressed emotions. Brad Pitt probably has as many male admirers
as female. So did Errol Flynn, Tyrone Power, and many others.

Martin, don't let anything or anyone keep you from feeling affection or love for anyone, at any age you are.
Don't feel guilty.

 

I think that your concern about your younger friend was admirable. We all have to resist impulses that might take advantage of a younger (or more vulnerable) person. They may not be "wrong" in the beginning but they have the potential to become so. An example of "the slippery slope"! As in the story that has been making the rounds on this forum: a man went to a Cherokee shaman and said, "I have two wolves fighting inside me. One wants war and the other wants peace. Which will win?" The shaman replied, "The one you feed".

Many times people think that "bad" impulses mean you are a bad person. This is not true. Everyone has impulses. It is the impulse you feed that determines who you become.

I have a friend, quite a good guy in many ways, who let himself get out of control and the results were horrific. He knew (age 14) that he had to stop what he was doing (peeking through windows in hope of seeing women undress). He chose to continue and the problem escalated until, last I heard, he was doing time in the penitentiary for a violent rape. He had, in effect, ruined his own life and the lives of several women.

I know he had big "mom" issues but I also know that he did not hate the women he raped. He had just let himself do stuff that was against his own values and beliefs. That's dangerous. That's feeding the wrong wolf.

So, I think you are wise. There no point at all in the kind of guilt/shame that says "I am a bad person". Nobody is born bad. If our choices make us so then we can also choose to turn that around. No big deal. But the kind of uncomfortable feeling that says, "I did something I don't feel right about. I won't do it again and I'll get help if I need it" is what makes us truly human. That's, imo, is the definition of a good person.

 

That's good advice, njoy. Your friend let a bad habit lead him to ruin.

I was a teenager just graduated from high school and used to work in a very small office high up in an office building in Chicago with three grown men in their forties. They spent every spare minute looking with binoculars at windows in the next door apartment building, looking for women undressing.
I thought that was sick and didn't look when they offered me a binocular. They may not have wound up in jail but I thought they would never really
be men anyone would admire.