Lifelong joint problems

Hi everyone. I apologize in advance if this is bit of a long intro but I feel like this may be the only place where folks will understand my lifelong utter frustration.

I'm a 39 year old man who has struggled since my teens years with various manifestations of joint related injuries. They mostly fit into the classic medical diagnoses of bursitis and tendonitis. As long as I can remember attempting to do any normal athletic activity has ended up in injury and being side lined for weeks/months at a time.

It started off as a teenager wanting to weight train because I was so skinny. So I bought every bodybuilding book I could find and diligently trained and ate as much as I could. Within a few weeks both of my elbows were basically unusable. So I backed off for a while and started again at a lower weight. I made some progress but within a month I had severe bursitis in my shoulder and both elbows were back to being excruciatingly painful. So I stopped again for longer this time. Started again after 6+ weeks off only for the cycle to repeat.

The above cycle continued for years and I became extremely focused on not injuring myself because it would derail all my progress. I refused to do any yard work or manual labor because I knew I would get hurt and it would stop my gym progress. I became this weird paradox of a fragile tough guy.

I also started martial arts around this time only to experience the same level of frustration there. I would make progress and then have to sit out for weeks because my knees were so inflamed I couldn't kick anymore. This also went on for years but I have a pretty tenacious personality (that certainly lines up with the TMS mindset) so despite the pain I pushed through it and eventually received my first degree black belt after 10 years.

The joint issues lingered though. In my twenties I started working out with some coworkers and the same cycle resurfaced. Progress...injury....progress...injury. I would be called lazy and a wuss by my gym partners because to them the pain was just an excuse. The most frustrating part of all this is that I would lift a fraction of the volume and weight of my peers. They continued to make steady progress while I just seemed to break down.

So I decided to forgo weight training because it wasn't "compatible" with my body type. I decided to more heavily focus on other hobbies which included golf and archery/bow hunting. My dad taught me to golf when I was very young but I didn't stick with it. I decide to jump in and start again. Of course that was short lived because I started to develop shoulder pain and debilitating trigger finger symptoms to the point where I couldn't hold the club anymore. Of course I heard about people online practicing everyday with zero problems. I had to limit my practice sessions to once every 2 weeks.

I ran into the same problem with archery. I have friends who bow hunt and practice regularly and pull 70 lb. bows without issue. I tried my best but eventually I was down to 45 lbs. and even then had to stop because I couldn't lift my arms past shoulder height due to the pain.

To say that all of this affected my self esteem would be an understatement. Despite putting every ounce of my effort into things, joint injuries would stop me. I lost all confidence around people in general but especially women. I was a weak, pathetic person who just couldn't keep up with others.

That has been the story up until now. I decided to give lifting another try and last year I was actually making some good progress until one day when I was deadlifting and felt a horrible shooting pain in my back. I self diagnosed it as a herniated disc and wasn't really able to walk for 6 weeks. That started a whole new journey of back pain that I never really had before. I was used to the tendonitis but this was different. I was back to my old self that was just fragile and couldn't handle any physical activity.

Eventually I stumbled upon Dr. Sarno's Mind Over Back Pain. It immediately clicked with me and the back pain pretty much disappeared over night. It was amazing. The tendonitis symptoms persisted though so I figured that really was a medical problem. I've been to countless doctors, been tested for rheumatoid arthritis, researched what possible connective tissue disease I could have only to come up with nothing.

I'd like to believe the tendonitis is TMS related but I've had it for so long it just seems to be something physically wrong with me. However, given the fact my back was healed so quickly and I fit the personality type (perfectionistic, neurotic, highly motivated, etc.) it seems like it SHOULD be TMS.

The pain has basically stolen my life so I'm willing to do anything to see it gone. I've started the Structured Program and am willing to put in the work. I just don't want it to be in vain. Part of the issue for me is that I'm so enraged at this problem. I know anger is often the main root of TMS issues but I didn't start off angry as a teenager. The more the joint problems held me back the more angry I became which probably just made it worse (assuming it is TMS).

I apologize again for the long intro but all of this frustration has been building for so many years and NO ONE understands it. People think I'm making it up or lazy and it's the exact opposite.
Thank you to anyone who took the time to read this and any words of advice or encouragement are greatly appreciated.

 

“It started off as a teenager wanting to weight train because I was so skinny.”

“I fit the personality type (perfectionistic, neurotic, highly motivated, etc.) it seems like it SHOULD be TMS. ”

You have answered your own questions - or at least these statements should help you with doubts.
You now admit to conscious rage but Sarno discusses the subconcious -you have no idea what’s going on in there. From your statement about feeling skinny and needing to do something about it -I’d say there is and was a heap of rage down there about not being some ideal you felt you needed to be and saw the “solution” to this image by weight lifting - by changing who you were into this ideal of “perfection”. That’s a whole shit ton of heavy stuff right there my friend, and it is very teenage! We ALL pretty much go through this -it’s just how hard you are on yourself, how accepting about yourself you can be about the way you are vs some pie in the sky ideal you thought you should be. It is not your fault - a combination of messages we learn and our personality, and need for “survival” (like the perception of fitting in and surviving high school). This type of cycle tends to repeat in our lives - and our minds get boxed in.

“I'm willing to do anything to see it gone.” “I just don't want it to be in vain.” - kind of conflicting statements and a LOT of self pressure. You must understand, deeply, within your heart that change of perception must come. A letting go of old ways and an embracing and acceptance of new ways to be internally. It’s actually pretty simple - being ok with who you are, recognizing the repeat patterns you’ve learned and seeing them for what they are.

It takes time to roll back 39 years of learning to be one way and to recognize it no longer serves you. The mind can really kick back - it’s tried hard to create an internal safe haven by boxing you in. Now you are telling it to set you free. Your nervous system needs to regulate this new state - to feel safe without having to revert to fight/flight.

Back to “in vain” - it took me a long time to realize this is a statement of self-worth. Are you worth this effort? The investment of time no matter how long it takes? Days, weeks, months, years. Are you willing to begin looking for improvements in your life that have 0 to do with the reduction of physical pain? That is usually where progress first happens.
Good luck! You are already forging your path and making empowering choices.

Ps read what @miffybunny has to say in this thread about limiting beliefs. I thin it will help you https://www.tmswiki.org/forum/threads/cant-get-started.27497/ (Can't Get Started)