Looking for advice on marriage troubles as cause of TMS

True confessions—

So here’s what’s really been on my mind lately.

22 years ago, my marriage was still young and it was in dire trouble. I had been divorced before, and had been on my own for years with 3 small boys. It wasn’t easy and I dreaded a divorce again. Nonetheless, I was driving down the highway on my morning commute, planning my escape, ruminating on exactly how I could survive a second divorce, when BANG I get my first panic attack. Ever. I thought I was having a heart attack. This was the beginning of a two-year struggle with severe anxiety that I was eventually able to work my way out of.

Now, more than two decades later, my husband and I worked through all that and have been happy for a long time. Until: About a year and a half ago, he had blood work and was warned by his doctor that his liver was in jeopardy. She wanted him to immediately have it checked out. He refused and is still refusing. And my symptoms, which started during the pandemic, doubled.

It is a sore spot between us now, because he continues to eat poorly and drink (a more than reasonable amount of alcohol) as if nothing’s wrong. This makes me furious and sad and worried. I have journaled about it plenty. We have discussed it plenty. I talked to my therapist and even joined Al-anon (a support group for friends and families of drinkers). I’m not sure any of this has helped.

The other day I let my mind wander toward divorce. Just to experiment with the feeling; to not feel like such a sucker. I felt the rage rise. I have been so out of touch with any feelings like this for years. I even feel bold, and maybe even wrong, writing about it here.

I’m not sure what to make of all this. I’m not sure if he will die. If he will leave. If I’ll leave. Or if nothing like that will happen at all. We actually finish each other’s sentences. It’s almost impossible to imagine life without him. All I know, is the pot is stirred up. At least for me.

He is having a lot of problems with my symptoms and sometimes says he doesn’t know if he can “handle” things much longer. This doesn’t make me feel safe and secure. But meanwhile, I can’t walk very well, so I stuff the rejection, anger and pain that this causes me. He’s also a pretty dramatic person, and to some extent, I know he’s just venting. (Or at least I think he is.) It doesn’t help that my father left my mother when she became very sick with MS. (I know!!!)

Meanwhile, I like that we’ve built what I’d call a stable family with my grown sons. We love our grandkids and they adore my husband. He’s like Santa Clause to them. My sons have adopted my husband and he has adopted them. The thought of us breaking our lives apart seems unconscionable.

I see the world so differently having had TMS for the last couple years and the last 8 months not walking well. I’m stronger in so many ways. And weaker physically. Is my TMS causing me to stay, just like my panic did all those years ago? I worry constantly about survival. (Yes! I know this is Bad!)

I’m not sure where this post is going or what kind of advice I’m looking for. I guess any thoughts you might have would be interesting to me. Have you had similar experiences? Do you have any advice?

I’m currently looking for a new therapist to guide me over this terrain because I recently lost my other one.

I have so many layers to uncover to get to a totally honest place. But, with your help, I’m getting somewhere! Something about being vulnerable here and posting it to the forum is digging me out. I can’t even tell you how much I appreciate you!

 

Work on recognizing more of what you can and can’t control, that’s a great journaling topic!

You can’t control others.

Right now your brain is still seeking the high driving worry and fear like it’s a junkie. Always looking for some drama to keep the nervous system chemicals coursing through your body. Kinda like someone who get’s a sugar high, or a kick outta horror movies or loves a roller coaster “high”.
I tell myself “that’s not happening now” and put it away. Worries are really just a form of inner verbal diorreah and have no true meaning, we’ve just listened to them and given them power.
I too worry about my husband’s health, but over time I realized the worrying and fearing didn’t fix the problem.
It’s exactly the same as worrying and fearing symptoms. - anxiety.
What are you doing to separate yourself from this kind of overthinking? Meditation, breathing practice… mindfulness and Claire Weekes will help you through.

 

I second everything that @Cactusflower has said above.

With regard to meditation, do try this 'bubble of protection' meditation to make you feel shielded and safe from all the external 'garbage', to include stuff emanating from other people that they intentionally or unintentionally try to burden you with. From my experience, if you do it every morning you can go about your day so much calmer and centred:

I think if it were my husband I would consider saying to him every time he says something like that, that I would like him to go to couple's therapy with me. (In the UK we have an organisation called 'Relate' that provides couples therapy and it has saved and helped improve thousands of marriages over the years... The marriages that do fail despite having the therapy were likely to fail anyway, and those that do end up splitting up tend to part on more amicable terms than they otherwise would have done if they hadn't gone through the therapy.)

 

Thank you so much for this advice, @Cactusflower and @BloodMoon ! I “think” I’m focusing on calming myself, but not nearly enough and not consistently enough. I’m going to make this my top priority. The bubble of protection meditation is wonderful! I really like it!

I’m reading Dr. Weekes and I’m loving her advice. Thanks so much for weighing in. Al-anon is helping me learn to “accept the things I cannot change.” Blood moon I like the idea of proposing the counseling when he complains. I think more than anything he probably needs support for what he’s experiencing. A lot of mortality issues for both of us. Of course, he’s resistant to mental health care right now.

I’m thinking of creating a little private sitting room in our extra bedroom and just secluding and meditating like a monk. Then watching comedy shows and laughing. Praying and reading. Just resting from everything.

 

“I’m thinking of creating a little private sitting room in our extra bedroom and just secluding and meditating like a monk. Then watching comedy shows and laughing. Praying and reading. Just resting from everything.”

That’s kind of back to living your life totally in TMS land and you aren’t going to get the confidence or skills to live in the real world by being a hermit.
You do a little TMS work a day. An hour. That’s plenty of time to journal and meditate. Sometimes you might like a longer meditation just because it’s a beautiful way to rest.
Think about other ways you can help your nervous system while engaging in activity physically.
I think a room with a quiet meditation and journaling space is an excellent idea, I just don’t think being a hermit will help you any in the long run. Having some compassion for the stress this may have created hubby is also important. It’s turned his life upside down.

 

Thank you! I’ll follow your advice. Have been doing the dishes and I’m feeling stronger every time I do them.

 

So I'm going to refer back to a previous thread that included Dan Buglio's video on using "afformations" instead of affirmations. So instead of asking yourself, "How is my marriage contributing to my TMS?", ask yourself "How is my marriage helping me recover from TMS?", or more generally "How am I recovering from TMS?" , or "Why is my marriage beneficial to me?".

I've found this technique to be quite profound. I've been using it lately to address my angst about aging by asking myself "How am I aging well?" or "Why am I aging well?". Surprisingly, I'm able to generate many believable answers.

Also, I recommend keeping a Gratitude Journal. It just takes a few minutes at the end of the day where we jot down some of the things in our lives we are grateful for. Some days I can only find things like "that first cup of coffee in the morning", but eventually it morphs into more important things. There are many phone apps that are useful for this purpose.

Here's that Dan Buglio video again:

 

Thank you, @Ellen ! Interesting. So far the advice I’ve been given all adds up to improving my attitude and peace. You can see what I can’t see as easily. It’s within my power to change my circumstances as I change myself. I love your afformations. I’m going to use those.

 

I have no advice, but I do admire that you are at least learning enough to 'go there'....and most of the people I have ever met who get stuck or are reeeeally confused have a major relationship that is an 'elephant in the room' that they refuse to look at.

TMS....Marriage....I knew I loved being a Father, but was indifferent about being HER husband. We had major deal breakers we had overlooked early on....When we still had 6 months before we got married and I wanted to look at them, she got pregnant and they were swept under the rug, similar to what you're describing. .They never got 'fixed'.

I had periodic TMS when I was married but because I maintained a 'no topic is off limits' in my head (even leaving) I never got stuck with pain , though I had occasional relapses....But I have had those in the 12 years since we've divorced as well !!! You might get TMS because your partner is shallow and materialistic, but then you get it because your alone and feeling an existential alienation beyond your brains capacity to digest....

the important thing is, NO subject being off limits in your head.

off topic...I get mentally 'steeled' every time I go visit her and her new Husband...they have a cluttered, material driven , form driven life...all of the gadgetry and crap you could want...and I always think "Wow.... I could never have played along with this"...so it WAS best for both of us....I am sitting in a room with 4 guitars worth more than my truck and I played all four today... I played with the dogs for hours, spoke with both of my sons and laid around reading Harry Potter...and never felt alone once!!!!!

So, it always ends up the way it ends up and that is not a bad thing...she's happier and so am I. And I haven't had TMS or even an attempt in months.

just some info from a fellow sufferer of TMS and maybe not the best marriage.

Peace

 

You know, it’s funny you should mention this, because for a lot of this marriage I always had one foot out the back door in my mind. I mulled over divorce like it was my job. And symptoms were kept at bay. Finally I settled down and “made everything perfect”—and my symptoms exploded.

All said and done: to heal from TMS (your body screaming) I think it’s very good to get your head in reality. Just get HONEST. And that’s where I need to go. Who knows what that might bring? It could be anything, but I think I’m just about brave enough to see what that is.

Thanks for your thoughts! I appreciate it! Sounds like you had a great day.

 

I wonder if the 'flight' aspect of survival mode may be at play here - that is, feeling kind of okay and 'safe' when there's an escape route planned and open to you that you can take, even if you don't ever actually take it.

With me, my TMS symptoms increased so much as to disable and cripple me with a vengeance when it became apparent that I was essentially stuck in a job that I had grown to loathe, and from which I felt I had no escape route (that is, there wasn't an escape route that didn't mean that I wouldn't suffer hardship in other ways).

 

This is SO interesting! The body talks.

I do think there is a sense of power when you feel you have a choice in any situation. Because when you don’t feel it, I guess maybe your body makes a “door” for you with the symptoms. A lot of times the lack of choice is created by you or fear of “suffering hardship in other ways.” Feeling stuck is a place that isn’t healthy, that’s for sure. It’s not a good place for your mind. I just read yesterday in Hope and Help for Your Nerves, by Claire Weekes, that you should never think of yourself as a martyr. You should do things owning your power, even if you are choosing a less than optimal situation for some reason.

 

The spiritual teacher/writer Eckhart Tolle says that we have 3 options when we are unhappy in a situation:

• accept it
• change it
• leave it

It seems that living with "one foot out the back door" is to be frozen in unhappiness.

 

For what it’s worth, I’m reporting in on my situation since this big revelation. My massive amount of journaling had me locked and loaded for a big fight (which my husband and I actually rarely have; I mean really rarely)— So we had a big fight and we both let it rip. It felt terrible and weirdly good. I’m not promoting fighting. But never expressing anger is not good either. We both had a LOT of anger to unload, in general, about how frustrating and difficult TMS is, for both of us. (Plus other issues).

Today: I’m feeling the love. He is too. I think this is how we’ve made it almost 27 years. The love holds, like a parachute. But you fall a lot and have to rip the chord. Yep: still got some big problems. I’m so glad I aired my dirty linen. (Not)—but if you can’t tell your TMS comrades, who can you tell?

I do miss the days I was one foot out the back door. Somehow, I felt tougher. I was very in touch with my anger. But, it was 100% not a healthy way to be in a relationship. It took a bunch of therapy for me to work my way out of that. But I guess I went too far and lost touch with my angry side.

I think Alan Gordon says you can stay in difficult circumstances and still heal. I really want that to be true. With my eyes wide open.

 

Another update! I listened to a random Nichole Sachs podcast this morning and then I journaled. A layer of knowledge was revealed to me that was pure insight about myself. It was like a huge lightbulb went off. It was related to something I’ve done 10 years of therapy on and still didn’t see this one thing about it. It was like a key unlocked something.

This insight happened because:
I made myself vulnerable to share this post with you
Some of the things that each of you said resonated
Which led me to be honest with my husband
Which led me to more introspection
Which led to the new insight

There’s no need to go into what the insight is— it is from a very dark place—but believe me it’s huge. It has to do with SELF love and the need to punish myself. I think I can hear what my TMS is saying on another deeper level. Nichole Sachs’s podcast tipped me over the edge.

I woke up feeling great today. Now, I feel even better! You can’t give up. That’s the advice I would give anyone. Just keep working. It all adds up.

Deepest respect and love for you guys!!!

 

Third update: I think this is probably the biggest elephant in my room.

I’m noticing a lot of things coming up lately that haven’t been resolved for more than two decades. Massive house cleaning!

Some things about my career choices; obviously unresolved issues in my marriage; family issues; anmd even things with friends have come up and I’m thinking it’s never too late to resolve stuff. That’s what TMS does for you!

obviously, I’ve been swinging around from one extreme to another while thinking about this topic, but I know that I’ll come to the middle ground and I’ll be able to think straight.

interesting. My symptoms have subsided a little bit. Very interesting.

Today is another day to learn heal discover enjoy carry-on I woke up pretty depressed, but then I meditated for an hour and got on with things. feeling better now.

 

This is always how I experience insights into my unconscious mind. Sure sign you're on to something.

 

I appreciate that you've not asked for any advice or suggestions about this, but it just reminded me of when I had a lot of past and present issues come up that were vying for my attention all at once... and I found that to reach a 'middle ground' it was very helpful to write unsent letters. Some were to other people and some were to me as an adult and some to me as a child. It kind of sorted the wheat from the chaff and helped me decide what things I could leave be (as I'd vented my anger or whatever on paper) and those things that needed sorting out in one way or another.

 

Thanks so much, @BloodMoon ! I am always looking for advice here! Maybe I should say it more often and explicitly. Your help and the help from other forum members means everything to me and it’s keeping me going. I like this letter idea. I’ll use it. Great idea! Thanks!