Medical mutilation causing mental pain/distress/torture

Hello, I was trying to search on the forum some posts where members would talk about injuries that cause them physical mutilations and it would be for them very hard to accept it.
I was injured during medical procedure - anoscopy- with anal fissures (https://cetinkaraca.com/en/what-is-anal-fissure-symptoms-and-treatment/).
It will be soon 5 months since the injury- and I think I am turning the corner with the actual injury pains. Of course I am very well aware of psychosomatic ghost pains that accompany me 24/7.


First I thought that I was having a skin tag on the outside of my anus that I would have to accept and live with.
Once I was about to accept it and try to relax - I realised that I was having also Anal Papillae as well (so the whole triad of the anal fissure).

On reddit one member confirmed that this feeling as if Im having rectal-anus prolapse each time I am having BM - is well anal papillae = anal skin mass that is coming out from inside with each passing stool, and then gets sucked inside once I am done.

After he accepted to have a look at my photo - he s reply was this :


Kinda looks like papille or hem but mine I can clearly see two like one skin tag and one prolapse two different bumps

Yours seems like skin tag to me that I think you push inside and it comes out
Cause skin tag goes in like hardly for few mins and are always out.

Though I can’t really tell cause Ofcourse it’s a surgeon job :/ still seem the prolapse is same as mine :/

I cancelled my proctologist visit , cause I know it will just add to my over all distress and this anger with the doctor that injured me - will get me nowhere !


I saw local psychologist lady and we talked about mainly about my narcissistic mother and enabler father. She is totally with me that I should cut all ties with those people and learn how to love myself and do each day 3 things that make me happy that feel in the connection with my psyche and my body. I noticing that since I am so aware of the toxic parental dynamics- my dreams are so terrifying and so distressful - I see my dad in my dreams forcing me to do cleanings and prosç%& ion - to get an apartment for him, then I see one of those narcissist men that abused and exploited me sexually - trying to abuse me again!

when the carousel of one injury after another started- torn tendons, frozen shoulder, then back tendinitises elbow shoulder - it wall healed and have no psychological injury signs , but this last one injury of my anus is having profound impact onto me - cause its not only that I was abused analy by narcissist men , cause my mother trained me to be peoples and men pleaser, but then on top off all it- I was injured medically ( rapped literally with huge metal anoscope ) that left me with body mutilations )... All I wanted is to make sure that I am not having anal HPV cancer (sexually transmitted with unprotected anal sex) and by some cruel destiny ???!!! or by some TMS evil plan ???!!!!!! - I am now left with physical medical mutilations that no matter how much time will pass they wont disappear like pain from tendinitis or my back !!!


I am reading Gabor Mate ( when body says NO) - and one possible explanation that I have - is that the longer you let yourself to continue be people s pleaser - the greater your injuries will be - till one day it can be too late !!!!!! cause for some of people that he is describing - it becomes too late and they die !!!!


I know that there is so much to this TMS that is waiting to be discovered=uncovered and one of those things are those accident or medical injuries that have pain and physical mutilation (=mental pain) component.




So here I come - aware and terrified of all abuse done by my narcissistic family , my choices that were unconscious escape from emotional pain , physical body injuries since last Summer that added to already existing PTSD ....


Physical pain is gone !!! how do I deal with psychological pain that is caused by permanent physical body s mutilation - part of the body that is related to multiple physical and mental abuses and part which daily will be making me aware of it ...


thanks for any input

 

thank you for your reply! I never felt so bad in my life ... the future is killed, and I never feel joy in life !!! this anal prolapse killed my body and mind and soul!!!! I will demand since I am in switzerland- Exit!!!