My Father

Three years ago, two evenings before Thanksgiving, while taking a shower, I had a clear 'message' that I would be getting a tragic phone call from or about my Father .....

The next night, Thanksgiving Eve, it came in the voice of my step-mother. My Father was in the hospital. He remained there until Christmas Eve, returning home under Hospice care. On Christmas Day, I called him, and he told me dreamily that we had been talking and having a wonderful conversation, and he was glad I had called him 'again'. I didn't ask the details of the conversation he envision, because it felt like I already knew. I told him we would be there the next day (8 hour drive).

Just before we got up the next morning, I had a dream that the lawn was covered with Praying Mantis, and I was kneeling in the midst of them with my hand extended. One would alight, looking directly at me, then it was move off and another would take it's place. It was a powerful dream, and I told my husband of it as we loaded the truck and left before the sun had come up. An hour later, my stepmother called on my cell phone.

He was gone. He had left at the same time as my dream.

As we continued our journey north, my husband gently told me that when I had told him the dream, he had known what it meant.

My relationship with my Father was riddled with complications and mis-perceptions and nightmares. My parents had divorced when I was 6. Throughout the years, legal battles were engaged relentlessly for visitation rights. The summer proceeding my entry into 6th grade, I came home from a 'visit' and my brother did not .... for 3 months. It was an ugly and terrifying time. When my brother did come home, he was changed. Angry, unapproachable. And he wouldn't talk about it. Years later, more legal battles, and the final skirmish where my brother was in danger again ... I stepped forward and said I would go with them. It startled the court-counselor, and everyone else. But it was accepted. 9-1/2 weeks later, my mom came for me, surrounded by the Sheriffs to extract me from the house. I was shattered and within hours my mind shut down. The doctors figured out I was drugged, thus the terrible symptoms, but they could not find out exactly what happened, as I could not tell them. Over the following years, nightmares scored my sleep, eventually driving me to seek drugs that would keep me awake, while taking opposite, prescriptions drugs, to dive into dreamless sleep.

Several years after my marriage to a wonderful man (he endured the nightly screams that tore through our sleep), I decided I'd had enough, and I made contact with my Father. I told him I was tired of being afraid of him. His responses were as defensive as mine were accusing.

Yet ...... we made a connection. Tentative, but it grew. Over more years, we reached a new level and communicated frequently. I never got over my basic fear and caution, but the nightmares dimmed and we developed a good relationship. He came to trust me more than he trusted almost anyone with his deepest thought. As for my side of it ... I treated him with compassion and I kept his faith in me.

His last 15 years were in terrible pain as his spine collapsed and twisted, finally culminating in his final words to me on Christmas day ... of our 'conversation', and how much he loved me.

That cold day after Christmas, we drove .. and over the next few days my amazingly kind step-mother included me in every aspect of his funeral preparations. This startled me, as I felt that I had no right to take any part in this. She had been with him for most of my life, and she'd been an amazing partner for him.

New Years Eve, he was buried.

This day, this Christmas Day ... I honor him, and I contemplate our 'conversation', those words we spoke between our souls. I remember how I would have feelings that he was going to call me, and I would tell my husband this. I would say, "My father is thinking about me." Within 24 hours, he would call. Every time. Now, this often happens with my step-mother.

He hears me, even now. Those who have left us always can hear us.

For my Father, this day .... I love you.

with grace and gratitude,
^_^

 

Lily Rose, you share a beautiful experience of love, compassion, forgiveness, and healing in your
posting about your father. He must have had a lot of TMS when he was bad to you.
Your reconciliation helped you both, and helped your step-mother, too.

Reconciliation is one of the most wonderful things that can happen to us.
It always takes reaching out over the emotional pain, but you did it.

Your father is with you in spirit this Christmas, and I'm sure he also is glad you shared your story.

My father and I became close friends late in his life, but we made it.
I was too young to know what TMS he has, but he had a lot of it and now I understand about it.

Hope your holiday is warm and fuzzy.

 

This is awesome Lily Rose, It melted my heart. You have such a gift to share your very emotional feeling like that.
I thank you for the experience to share with you in this journey -- I felt every thought , even got some chills.
Yes these are special times and they are looking at us in heavenly places. I can feel my Mom and Dad at all times.
More even now than when they were here. Im older I can feel more and a special sense for ones I've loved has enveloped me.
Bless You

 

Thank you both for the lovely responses. Life takes us on paths with so many unexpected choices. I could have so easily just not made the connection. My brother ... he chose not to. He respected and even supported my choices, but kept himself complete distant from it.

I believe we are here to experience the broad spectrum that life has to offer. Like children, we come ... and we can make our choices on how to grow. It worries me, even haunts me, when I see people who are shut down and so frightened and in such denial of their own potential.

Being part of this forum is like suddenly being able to take deeper breaths. There is a strong sense of relief.

Again ... thank you.

with grace and gratitude,
^_^

ps - Eric or Herbie .... which do you prefer?

 

Lily Rose, I have read both your posts three times now and I remain awestruck by your ability to share with us something so personal and profound in such a deeply, deeply moving and simply beautiful way. Thank you for, well, being you, being part of this forum, and sharing your experiences and your insight, wisdom, and pure thoughtfulness in a way I think I can safely say move all of us.

 

This is so true Lily Rose, You can call me Herbie if You wish. I have that strong sense of relief too.
Bless you

 

Lily Rose, I was so moved by your story. I can so relate to your fear because I also feared my father.
I am so happy you were able to reconcile with your father. Thank you so much for sharing.

 

Dear Lily Rose,

What a powerful post! I got teary eyed reading your story. The power of forgiveness is amazing. You must be a very wise soul.

Your dream of the praying mantis is beautiful! I can envision it as an artwork. Are there any artists here? . If you ever write a book, Lily Rose, that is your cover.

Thank you for sharing your intimate story. You are brave!

 

Lily Rose, I so agree with Lianne that this is an amazing cover of a book. Lily Rose, you have such a gift
with words I so encourage you to write a book. You have many good things to say. I would be your first
to buy it!!

 

Lily Rose, I agree that you could write a book which could help you and a lot of others.
I'm writing one with Herbie about our TMS journeys and healing techniques.

I've been a writer of books for years, but it's almost impossible to get a book published these days.
I looked into self-publishing but it can cost thousands and that just gets it in paperback and in
an e-book. You have to pay more for marketing.

I learned about CreateSpace, a way to self-published for FREE. I just got my fourth book published
with them and love it. The paperback books look great and I didn't spend a dime for any of them.

So I really encourage you to write about your TMS journey and have it published by CreateSpace.
Look at their web site for more about them.

Writing a book about your TMS would be therapeutic. It's like long journaling. If you have questions about
doing a book, email me at waltmax69@gmail.com

Happy New Year!

 

Lianne, G.R., Walt .... I have done a post regarding the heat flashes being related to 'flashes' of emotion. I am experiencing that warmth at this moment. And I thank you for that. I did not find a blushing emoticon, or that would be right here!

I do have an artist friend, and she is a photographer, as well. We have been dabbling at creating a book that would be for healing with Yoga and Poi, but this concept was pre-TMS, when the belief was fibromyalgia was a medical issue. I am terribly photo-shy, but in this digital age, a thousand photos can be taken in order to find 'one', and then a thousand more ....

This being an example of protecting myself --

I am especially drawn to Walt's suggestion (in another thread) of using a pen name. This allows me to speak the full truth without compromising my integrity, and it shields my family from harm.

I also like the idea of 'long journaling'. Speaking more in essays along various topics. Like this forum.

Thank you ... deeply.

with grace and gratitude,
^_^