my pain has changed

I have started reading Healing Back Pain by Dr Sarno, I am enjoying it very much. I have had a lot less pain since starting reading about TMS and have also coped much better with the bits of pain I have had. The past 2 days I have noticed the pain in my hip/thigh/lower back and buttock has changed from a painful dull ache to a soreness. I can feel the muscles in this area changing a bit, it is hard to explain. Muscles that were very tight and stiff now feel sore. I am really struggling today and am worried something bad is happening and the urge to google these symptoms is very strong but so far I have not given in. I am trying to just carry on as normal but its not easy as the discomfort is strong. I feel I am fighting with myself and the pain seems to be winning today. I have a day off from work and had planned bagging up a lot of stuff that belonged to my ex and getting rid of it and so far all I have done is focus on the pain. I feel the pain is stopping me move on and making me feel upset when all I wanted to do was have a clear out of things I no longer want around me. I am fed up.

 

Its funny how when the pain changes, you would think that would be very encouraging but it often is even more distracting! It is great that you have resisted the google urge and I know it is not easy to carry on as normal but the more you practice that, the easier it will get. Still gets me at times and then I consciously force myself to refocus. Bagging up belongings from an ex is no easy task and it makes perfect sense the pain might be particularly distracting today. If you can't bring yourself to box things up today, this might be a good time to really delve into how you are feeling emotionally. Try your best not to monitor the pain and redirect your thoughts to how you are feeling. You can do this through journaling or meditating and allow yourself to really feel what is going on. Don't do it with the expectation that this will lessen the pain(Outcome Independence) but with the knowledge that this is the necessary direction that will eventually create the wholeness that will alleviate the pain distraction. You are definitely on the right track.

 

Hi, He;en. That was an emotionally stressful task you had, gathering belongings from your ex, so no wonder
you had some pain. It triggered all the emotions that led up to the split. Best now to just distract yourself with
positive thoughts and activities.

 

Can you see that the boxing is tied to your pain?

 

This "boxing" reminded me of a very happy memory from my childhood.
My godmother was like a second mother to me and my older brother and sister.
We loved it when we visited her apartment in Chicago and she would open the big black
steamer trunk that contained all her treasures. She would us some of them and reminisce
about them. She had a very calm, soothing voice, and it practically put us to sleep.
She sometimes gave us little things from her trunk. She gave ma tiny prayer book
I kept for many years and recently gave to a niece who is more religious than her siblings.
Now she treasures it.

So some memories can be calming. The bad ones, toss out.

 

Thanks guys, you have been a great help. I am aware of the link. I had planned to do the boxing up a few days ago and the pain started to grow the closer today came. I gave myself a talking to. I asked myself how I felt and I was surprised I felt angry and fearful and ashamed I had put this off for so long. Well I sat and really let the feelings wash over me and it was upsetting and I then got on with the task, still in pain and the pain moved around to my shoulders and made me feel horrible but as I got to the end I realised it had reduced and after I cooked myself a lovely dinner and felt proud of myself. I have two more days off and plan to do more decluttering and ignore the pain. I am going to throw stuff away and give stuff away and bag up things for my ex and take them round and give them to him. I am not going to keep his stuff in my home anymore. I have 2 days of unearthing memories and they will be good and bad but I want to see how it feels, I am curious.

 

Well, are you going to keep us all in suspenders? What did you cook for your lovely dinner? I want to know what a lady calls a lovely dinner. Hamburger? Mac n cheese? Foie gras? Hot pockets?

Were you really surprised that you felt angry and shamed? Or do you mean that you were surprised that these emotions over took you?

The BEST thing you did was to allow the emotions to wash over you. At that point of surrender you begin to prevail, so it's normal at that point to experience the shifting of emotions to shoulders backs and knees., etc The truth seeks to be known. The battle for conscious thought plays out inside you as your awareness expands.

I went through divorce too. The most magnanimous thing that could be done for the greatest healing, and the greatest closure, is to have invited him over to take what he wanted instead of you deciding. Perhaps the thing that was most meaningful to him was something that appeared insignificant to you. But divorce sucketh to thee. I understand the disconnect and the turmoil, and the TMS.

Good luck heleng of troy, hit the reset button on your life and begin to grow inward from here. The real world is not out there, it's inside you.

Steve

 

Thanks for you post Steve. My lovely dinner was a chicken casserole.

I thought I just felt fed up of the clutter. I had no idea how angry and upset it would make me feel. I have asked my ex to come and get his stuff many times and he either ignores me or makes a date to do it and then doesn't turn up. This has gone on for years now. I have been very patient but I am so tired of having his stuff around.

The pain is worse than ever today and it is very hard to not feel scared. I am going to keep going but I do feel so unhappy.

I think today is going to be quite challenging

 

Hi Heleng. I hope you are keeping some sort of evidence sheet because if you do, I think you will begin to notice things and make connections that will help with the fear in the future. Is the fear over wondering if there really is something terribly wrong physically that you are not attending to? Anxiety absolutely serves the same purpose as the pain. During my recovery my anxiety really amped up and I had many sleepless nights. As far as the evidence sheet, whenever you notice that something doesn't really fit in with a structural diagnosis, write it down. You will begin to notice many inconsistencies. I would have guessed your pain would increase as you start to dig into this emotional realm. Keep going and you will get a break, perhaps when you least expect it, but it will come. And then once you start seeing the holes and get more confident in the TMS diagnosis, you'll start to feel much better. At first I was puzzled why our subconscious would choose pain rather than feeling the emotions but it is not a mystery to me now. The anger and sadness can be very complex and overwhelming. But you do work through it and then it becomes manageable. You mentioned it is hard not to feel scared. It is hard not to feel scared and the more you resist it, the scarier it is. Accept the fear, allow yourself to feel it for what it is, and you will be surprised how much that dissipates it. I used to panic from the fear, I literally wanted to run from myself, but now I greet the fear and let it be, and it tends to go away.

 

The evidence sheet helped me a lot too - you could start by what you were doing / feeling when the pain reduces e.g. when you got to the end of a difficult task, then what you were doing / feeling when it increased e.g. thinking about throwing your ex's stuff out. It's not surprising your pain went up when you were thinking about doing this especially as it had been hanging over you for such a long time. So I'd be gentle when you talk to yourself - give yourself some praise & love for getting through it. The fear can be horrible I know but it's normal just another part of all this. I say to myself now "It's just drama in my mind again", face it and let it wash away through you. A book that helped me was Claire Weekes - Help with your Nerves that many people on this forum have recommended.

 

Hi Anne

Thanks for replying, yes I think I need to start journalling as I am experiencing a lot and would be good to write stuff down. I have had a better day and for the first time in about 2 years I did 30 mins on my elliptical trainer and I was scared and had some stiffness but after a couple of minutes my body felt good and the movements were fluid and I have been fine since. It gave me confidence to just try it and I plan to do more. I do need to learn how to relax more as I actually think I don't really have a clue and I need to find out how. Thanks for the recommendation, will look for that book.

Again, many thanks

 

Please Helena

Stay off google medical searches that will just lead to more fear and anxiety.

God Bless