My story, my quest, my healing?

Hi,
I'm a 31yr old guy from Holland, so I'm trying my best to understand/read/write english as best as i can. My story goes as follows:

At the moment I'm at 6 or 8 years of back pain trough out the day(chronic).
I have had al sorts of diagnoses and doctors, did al sorts of therapies and sessions.
Have my own personal medicine pharmacy. Nothing helped, until I got online and read about TMS.
I have started the SEP Program and am on day 3. I'm reading around in this TMS wiki and though of sharing my life story with you, so here it goes:

I'm the youngest brother of 3 kids, got an older brother and an older sister.
My parents divorced after 31 years of marriage.
At the time of divorce I was about 24 yrs.' old.
My mother came to live at my place for a couple of months.
During that time there was a lot of stress because of the emotional state that my mother was in.
But my back went out way before the divorce.
My father raised us with the old hard methods, you need to work, you're not allowed to feel.
If we were bad, he would lock us up. so it was hard, come to think of it.
My mother was more the feeling kind of person, but never could quite get my emotions and feelings right.

From as far as I can remember I always got bullied at school.
I had a speaking disorder until the age of about 18 years, called stuttering.
At my younger ages, like 6 or 7 years old there is not much I can remember.
But I do see it as a happy place with a emotional guy that always put his emotions first.
No matter who or what was present, I would laugh, cry or whatever.
I would like to go back to that emotional state, but I'm scared that I will be thought of as, he's weak, He's a cry baby and so on.
I'm emotionally numb, criticize the hell out of my self and sabotage the hell out of myself.
I also got this thing, I always seem to need 2 things of stuff. like 2 equal flower pots or have
2 paintings on the wall it needs to be synchronic, or else I get irritated.

For the last 6 to 8 years I always have had a lingering pain in my back but was able to work.
Quit all my sporty stuff and became more of a home-sitter. People around me would feel sad for me and would try to help me. This of course would make me feel sad about myself and that would result in thoughts like, look you're weak, you're a loser and so on.
Since reading the book healing back pain by J.Sarno I still have pain and a lot of rage inside of me that needs to get out, still need to resolve a lot of issues. But I have restarted my life by starting again with soccer practice and being more outgoing.

And in some instances the back gets heavier and sometimes it does not.
I am building up my sporty stuff and I have the power to make the bigger pains go away faster.
So I'm definably on the right track but have a long way to go and I'm struggling a lot.
I have all these automatic triggers that are in place without me knowing. And I need to identify them and give them a place in my mind. But because of years in pain and emotional conditioning it is really tough and I'm thinking about seeing an psychologist.
Unfortunately there are no known TMS psychologists here in Holland so I'm basically on my own.

But thanks for this forum and all of its information. When I'm feeling better I'm thinking about putting a dutch version online of this tms wiki and try to translate most of it.
So that other dutch people who aren't able to read English can also make use of all this TMS knowledge.

Thank you all for your support and please if anybody sees anything of himself in my story and has already been able to resolve some of the issues, please tell me.

Thank you all very much for all your kind words.

Regards, Enumo

 

Excellent write-up ENUMO! You're well on your way, this doesn't need to take too long now that you've had your inoculation of TMS KNOWLEDGE PENICILLIN. IMHO, one can learn to do most anything in about two weeks, if they apply themselves and pay attention--even basic brain surgery like a simple lobotomy.

That two'sy thing you have is a little touch of OCD, another TMS affective symptom. Doesn't probably cause any harm, Howard Stern's OCD, was cured by Dr. Sarno and he's doing alright--the "King of All Media" and sitting pretty next to Hiedi Klum (and probably rubbing her leg under the table).

Cheers,
tt/lsmft

 

Thank you Tom
Thank you for your encouraging words, this does me good and gives me a good feeling and better thoughts.
I'll try to do my best and hopefully I will have a 'normal' life. a painfree life.

 

Enumo, I'm so glad you're here. And btw, your English is excellent! You're at an excellent starting place. That alone puts you so far down the path to healing. (I know, it doesn't feel like it!) It takes great courage to consider the TMS message and even more to embrace it. (I have several friends, some of whom have SEVERE TMS but this is their attitude in considering anything mindbody: )

I don't have anything profound to add to TT's great and humorous comments. Or to what you know already. Just take steps day by day. I've been at this for a year now and realize it is s journey.

Be encouraged….you're not alone.

 

Hi, Enumo. For one thing, your father locking you in a closet for any reason was a terrible thing to do.
But you have to work on forgiving him, and the school bullies.
I find it helpful to put myself in the shoes of those like my father who gave me anxiety in my boyhood years.
I decided he had his own TMS problems and took them out on me since I was handy.
We come a long way toward healing if we live by a practice of forgiveness. It sets us free and the pain goes away.

Enjoy the beautiful country you live in. I visited Amsterdam years ago in springtime and loved it. I'll never forget
the flower boats and the tulips.

 

Walt,

thank you for your words, how am I going to forgive my school bullies?
I moved away from them and don't see them anymore.
My dad is a whole other issue, but there might come a day to talk about it.
We have talked about some issues of the past, but the bullies how can I deal with that on my own?

Thank you for the help.

Enumo