My TMS brain is turning up the heat before my trip

3 days till my trip to the beach. I knew these days would be hard. Claire Weekes talks about it in her audiobook, Freedom From Nervous Suffering. She says the days preceding a trip will be the worst, as far as anxiety. And I’ve known this to be true throughout my life because I’ve had anxiety my whole life. But now I have TMS and anxiety.

My body is throwing everything it’s got at this to keep me in this house— even this morning to keep me in bed. My pain and stiffness level is very high, but worse than that, my temptation for fear is very high too.

I need to get out a piece of paper and look at my thinking. There’s a lot of self-pity and catastrophizing going on here. Like I always say, this battle is extremely mental. If you can win the mental, you can win the physical.

I feel like a child; my husband has to pack me. We have all this equipment for me to be able to move around. He has to do so much work, just to get us there. I can’t stand it. (Lots to journal about here.) But, if I’m not willing to go through what it takes to do things out of my house —to do things out of my comfort zone— I might as well dig a hole and call it. I know, without a doubt the only way out is through. And, I’m going through.

One thing that gives me hope is last week when I was thinking about the beach trip— just thinking about it— my symptoms subsided more than they have since I got them. What was my primitive brain saying here? Go to the beach? I’ll be turning up these thoughts today— happy beach thoughts.

 

You know, now is a great time to let go of some of the “crutches” that keep your brain focused on that you are “ disabled” when you really are not if this is all TMS. Forget one thing. You can handle it. When we decided to take our first day trip I could barely sit or stand/walk.
But my favorite band was playing snd they only play once every 3-4 years now. It was a 2 hr. drive and one of my only friends who understands TMS (he has it too) was going to meet us there. I was embarrassed because I could hardly shuffle, had to wear yoga clothing instead of my usual style, but I refused to wear “the shoes” I had been stuck only wearing.
I stood that whole show, accidentally bumped into my favorite musician who joked about not being able to wear his own comfort clothes on stage, his wife who was kind and noticed my struggle in the ladies room, and I had the best time ever!!! I stood 2 hrs. I sat for 5 hrs (traffic going home).
The next day was so hard and painful (well the next 2 weeks!) but I’d done it! I put it on the evidence sheet.
The next week we just went out for ice cream but I did it again. More difficult days after.. but I just kept going. Confront and allow the fear..
And the anticipation.
You may be feeling a lot of the same physical sensations of fear but it’s anticipation. They are very closely linked in the brain.
I’m proud of you for doing this. Keep telling yourself that no matter what the outcome, you will get out again. You’ll do the hard things again because you can.

 

I'm getting more and more into the notion that the amygdala/'lizard brain' runs the show in TMS, and that it’s so primitive that it only has two settings – ‘danger’ or ‘all clear’. Thinking about the beach gave it the 'all clear' because you have happy memories of the place (that you have previously said you like being best in the world). You overrode the 'danger' signal. So, my suggestion is to keep your (mind's) 'eye on the prize'; keep visualising the beach, the sea, the food etc., over and over again. Slow your breathing down and visualise everything about your trip and holiday going smoothly. This way you will be telling your 'lizard brain' that you're not in any 'danger' and it can turn on and keep on the 'all clear'. You're the bomb - you can do this!

 

Cactus! What a great story! I love these stories! Thank you!

 

Thanks, @BloodMoon ! I’m going to get that all clear turned on!

 

Our brains are predictive machines. If you can't think positively about the future (this skill takes time and positive experiences to develop) then don't think about it at all. I know I am being annoying in harping on this point. Distract yourself! I know you are a good writer, so write something that has nothing to do with TMS or your emotions. Write poetry about the landscape or your grandkids or something else. Get your mind off your trip! Then go have a good time.

 

Ok! Great advice! I’ll write a story I’ve had on the back burner. I’m glad you’re harping on this— distracting myself!

 

My dear it's not about the story. It's about the first sentence.

 

Hi Diana!
I don't have any advice, but as you know i was also freaking out about my trip (i will update! But am still not home yet).
A lot of symptoms came up again and tried to get my attention, even some that haven't come up in a while.
But on the day i actually had to start the trip: nothing.
Over the course of the day, some sensations tried to creep up on me but i stayed calm and let them be. And i'm so glad i took this trip!
Of course i'm still struggling with symptoms and fear (being a burden, causing everyone a bad time, somehow "wasting" this opportunity) but i feel like that's my fear and perfectionism talking and trying to keep me small, thus safe.
All that is to say: i have no doubt that this will be a valuable experience and i hope you can be kind to yourself regardless of what will happen!

 

Oooh! Got it!

 

can’t wait to hear all about it when you get back! Perfectionism and fear of being a burden are a huge part of this. Maybe this is what we’re supposed to heal about ourselves!

 

A lot of very good advice as usual from our group members.

I feel like a child; my husband has to pack me. We have all this equipment for me to be able to move around. He has to do so much work, just to get us there. I can’t stand it. (Lots to journal about here.) But, if I’m not willing to go through what it takes to do things out of my house —to do things out of my comfort zone— I might as well dig a hole and call it. I know, without a doubt the only way out is through. And, I’m going through.


You may FEEL like a child but you are not so you have to get out of that thought mode.

Reframe your thoughts.

It seems like you are feeling guilty that your husband has to prepare quite a bit for this trip. That's OK but I think showing how grateful you are for all his efforts in words & small gestures would be a positive & rewarding exercise for the both of you.

Also is there anything you could do to help so that you feel more involved? It doesn't matter how small a thing it is but it will lift your spirits & make you feel more interested & invested in the trip. It will also give your husband the impression that you are really looking forward to the trip which is very important given that he is doing so much to make it happen.

Have great one!

Mala

 

Thank you, @Mala , wonderful advice!

 

If Mala's right about that, then in addition to what she advises, I'd say to also remember that your husband has wanted you to go on holiday with him and he is, and has been for a long time, fully aware of what your physical capabilities currently are, the equipment you need and that he would have to be the one doing the packing (albeit he may have underestimated the work, but that is not your fault nor is having TMS your fault!). I've had to watch my husband load up our car with my rollator and my tilting wheelchair etc., in the past and the thing that got to me was the realisation of what my life had come to, that is, my reliance on someone else... If that is the same for you, then remember -- TMS is temporary, and this trip is part of the work that you are courageously doing to get you out of this temporary position and free of TMS!

 

This is dead on, my friend. So true about all of it! I’m going to bookmark this and also cut and paste it into my diary to read when I need to be reminded of the truth. Thank you! ❤️