New here: my story in a nutsell

Hi everyone. New here. My name is David and I suffered from horrible back pain for several months after I had a friend thoroughly crack my back. I was in agony constantly. I tried everything: painkillers, acupuncture, chiropractors, etc. NOTHING touched the pain. Saw several doctors many many times. MRI and X rays showed NOTHING wrong. Docs say I have a completely normal spine and back. useless doctors. I was in so much pain at one point I seriously just wanted to die. Than I discovered John Sarno and his work with TMS about 1 month ago. Read his book on tms and back pain. A total Godsend!! It was spot on! Described EVERYTHING I was going through: unexplained pain that moves to different spots. The pain went away and I've been 99% free of pain until yesterday. I had a huge fight with my girlfriend and she announced she was leaving me cause she couldn't deal with my various emotional issues anymore. It scared me to death that she was going to leave me - I was panicking -and I convinced her I was going to change and she decided to give me another chance. I was so relieved! But shortly after, my back pain came back - and got steadily worse. I knew it was TMS and repeated the 12 steps. I tried everything and did my best to figure out what emotions I was repressing. A day latter - still in pain and it's been FREAKING me out cause I've ALWAYS been able to stop pain once I discovered it was TMS . I know I'm not supposed to be scared of the pain but I can't help but panic because it just won't go away this time. What could be going on?
It might be worth noting I starting cardio exercises again at the gym a couple days ago that I've been fearing since my pain started.

Anyways, this seems like a good forum and I'd love to get to know some people and get some frrdback. Any help or insight would be well appreciated!

 

The pain is just tms. There is a lot of pressure and fear going on in your relationship. You got a fright when she left and your fight or flight response was stimulated. The relief you feel with her being back strengthens your fear because you relied on her coming back for that safety. This is a lot of pressure and you may be repressing who you truly are to keep the peace.

Also fearing the exercises could bring on some pain but it is probably a combination of this and the above.

You have beaten this before so well. You can be very confident that it is all the same thing and you know what to do. This is about your life not the pain, the pain could be there to help you to connect to your girlfriend by her showing you some care over it. Or it could be there to distract you from the fear of showing up as your true self to your girlfriend. Only you can work this out but it is definitely not physically induced pain.

 

Thanks for the feedback!! Very much appreciated. I definitely think it's connected to what happened between me and my girlfriend. What people should know is I'm basically the textbook example for emotional problems. I am a high functioning autistic (Asperger's) . I am a very psychologically scarred person and I have a tendency to act out and unload it on my girlfriend. I have meltdowns and tantrums. I have severe depression and anxiety. It gets to the point where she can't handle it anymore. This time she was very much prepared to leave me for good for her own health and it sent my mind and body into a total panic. I honestly don't know how I could live without her. When I somehow convinced her I was going to change and stop this behavior around her, she decided to give me another chance. What enormous relief flooded my mind and body!! My outbursts have ended since because I've just been so relieved and thankful to have salvaged mu relationship. I have not been feeling depressed. But the pain started soon after (or you could say returned). This CAN'T be a coincidence.

I have considered myself "cured" of TMS pain for about a month now, so it comes to an utter shock and frustratio To have it come right back and stay. Seriously, I've thought of every possible emotional issue that could be triggering this and it's NOT going away this time! I'm rereading sarno's books. I feel like all my progress i've made againat TMS has just be undone and I have to start over. This bothers me greatly.
How do I get past this brick wall?

 

You must have employed outcome independence to overcome tms initially. Now that it has recurred you are preoccupied with the pain.

Accept that this is just your mind creating these symptoms, relax, be patient and it will go away.

 

so I'm empowering the pain and prolonging it by dwelling on it and panicking? It's definitely become an obsession.

 

Yes you are prolonging the pain by dwelling on it and panicking. Obsession about it is the tms brain at work. The fear the pain is creating in you is the tms. Neutralise the fear by reassuring yourself that this is just a small part of your brain trying to distract you from what it thinks are intolerable emotions. You have done this before successfully. This isn't anything more difficult than that.

 

It's pretty obvious from here that your relapse was caused by your relationship issues--maybe your first back pain too, since the docs couldn't find anything wrong with your back then. Why would you want to remain in a relationship with someone who doesn't feel the same about you? What are the emotional issues she doesn't want to deal with anymore? Do you feel she's right? Do you want to change your emotional makeup? TMS is all about repressed emotions.

 

Hi Tom.
It's definitely more complicated than that. I have unhealthy emotional outbursts. It's not her fault. We've been together almost 6 years now. I don't know what I could possibly be repressing though: I've consciously made a list of everything that is bothering me or could possibly be a factor in the TMS. There's a LOT that's going on emotionally, but again, I've made a real effort to bring everything subconscious to the surface. I've tried lashing out at my brain, telling it over and over that I know what it's up to, that I am aware it's trying to trick me with TMS, and that I won't fall for it, I even command it to leave me alone and stop sending me pain. I am 110% certain and convinced the pain is TMS. Yet it just wont't go away. It's extremely hard not to be discouraged and upset at this. I was fine a few days ago. The pain was gone and I had my life back. Whenever the pain tried to creep back in, I'd simply laugh at it and tell it to get lost and it would promptly do so. I was in control. This time is different somehow and I don't know why. I've had plenty of emotional issues in the last month and had NO pain so there's no reason this should be happening.

I apologize for ranting on and on like this. This is just really getting to me.

 

David, thanks for taking my post in the right spirit. I don't have much time these days so I cut right to the chase and let the chips fall where they may--that upsets some folks sometimes, but even SteveO, who wrote "the book" admits to throwing Sarno across the room the first time he opened it. Good you are onboard with the TMS theory and great the docs haven't found anything on imaging wrong--which is rare and they usually can find some "gray hair of the spine" anomaly to hang a mis-dx on, so you're cleared to dive into the TMS reservoir of repressed rage.

Monte Hueftle, who wrote a good TMS book too, mentioned the "outbursts" are a symptom of the repressed rage and not useful for expelling it if I recall right, but I found that interesting. You have to peal away underneath the "outburst" . Are you familiar with the Holmes-Rahe list of Stressful Events that cause TMS symptoms? If not, that's a good place to look for the causes and the science of TMS. Do a search here to find it.

Are your outburst directed at your GF or other people and events? Do you think you are justified in your feelings regarding the outbursts? Do you think she is too sensitive to seeing you express your emotions, upsetting her homeostasis?

 

Thanks, Tom! I looked up the holmes rahe list and a few of them definitely apply to me.

I don't blame my gf for my issues, but I do unload them on her and expect her to do something about it (Which isn't fair, I know). I don't think I'm justified in the way I express myself per se, but I hold everything in for days and days until I can't take it anymore and I need to vent and everything just comes out. I scream, I cry, I hit things, etc. it's simply the only thing I know to do. And than of course my gf (and other people) can't handle it, and she threatens to leave me gets very angry. This forces me to "suck it up" when I realize I'm not going to get my needs met by others. Than the cycle repeats until I can't take it and have another meltdown. Vicious cycle.

I looked at the list of 6 things we all need. I havw a strong need to be "soothed" and taken care of. I always am looking to my gf to comfort me and make me feel better. She has her own problems to deal with though, and she simply can't meet those needs. I am a very negative person and realize it's very hard to be around all the time.

I know repressed rage is the big thing Dr. Sarno emphasizes, but My big thing is anxiety. I an worried, anxious and paranoid about everything. I am OCD. I am obsessed with my pain and bent on making sure it goes away at all cost. I fear being in chronic pain the rest of my life. Not only do I suffer from back pain but also daily migraines, gut problems, dizzy spells etc.

 

David, I would recommend doing a search here at the TMS wbook iki for Monte Hueftle. I think his comments on your issues would be useful for you. He wrote a good short TMS book a while back : "GET RID OF THE PAIN IN YOUR BUTT NOW", he discusses TMS, anger and being in the present. A search should get you some good stuff by and about him.

 

In Monte's book, I recommend Chapter 14, it's the "read it again chapter", because at the end of it he says to "read it again". I'm on my 3rd read--it's about the new agey stuff--that's middle-agey by now, since we've moved on through Yoga to Pilates--being in the "now/present", and all that. It's good stuff for TMS'ers. You'll be the guru of the hot-tub with this new found "knowledge penicillin", as Dr. Sarno would call it--may need to wear a turban.