New relationships amd TMS

I was just really hoping for some support from anyone going through something similar. I am an in a 1 year relationship with someone I love, but I have not told him, mostly because I want to recover before I do. I am afraid every day that my symptoms (which effect my feet and walking) will eventually make him bored of me and he will leave. I know that this anxiety is impeding my recovery, because it is the main reason I am so desperate to recover quickly, and push myself too far every time I make some progress. When symptoms are bad I am afraid to tell him and although he has been patient he still thinks it is a physical issue although I have tried explaining TMS. I am hearing more frustrated statements from him recently such as 'we could do this...but you can't walk'. Also because we are only 26 we both know that moving jobs/country could end our relationship at any time. And although I know if it happened it would be on good terms, it makes me desperately sad to know that there are so many experiences we missed out on as a couple because of my immobility. It has really hurt me to see all the couples on walks/ at Christmas markets/ on holiday this time of year. Does anyone have any support or ideas for how to get past this particular source of anxiety? I know I should probably just pull myself together

 

There is a lot of fear and desperation in your post, including the idea that you must be perfect in order for someone to love you. I have been there and was able to trace this kind of fear to my early childhood where I received this message constantly from my parents. I think you need to explore this, and doing so with a therapist may be the most helpful way. Have you considered this? It will likely take some time and courage to face these difficult issues. If your partner cannot support you in this, then he may not be the right person for you, which I know is hard to hear. But you are young and have time to work on yourself first before committing to a long term relationship.

 

@Ellen is quite right on. Add to that fear of abandonment both in the physical sense of absence and the emotional sense.
This is an incredible amount of self pressure to please someone else.

 

The couple responses above are insightful and such good feedback!
Following up with a few more thoughts:

Take a look back at the last couple lines in your post (below).
They remind me of the messages that I received from my parents/family members-- that I should just be able to pull it together / just move on. What was I complaining about?

That kind of messaging takes hold and shows up later in how we treat ourselves and how we react when (if we even let them) relationships get close. The good thing is that a trusted therapist can really get at these kinds of issues. As @Ellen mentions, time and courage are needed, but the work is so worth it. You/We deserve it!!

 

Thank you so much for the replies! There's definitely a lot of patterns in my thinking you've pointed out to me.

I think I sike myself out a bit in terms of activity as well. I'm so afraid that I won't be able to do his suggestions that by the time we get around to it the sensations are very dominant.

If I accepted with a smile and the belief it would be fine, maybe when it turned out there was a bit of a walk from restaurant to car etc it wouldn't be an issue at all! And even if there were symptoms it's an opportunity to overwrite my negative reactions with indifference and confidence

That's the aim anyway

 

And if you find increases in sensations etc., focus on the SUCCESS of the fact you actually did the mentally hard stuff like trusting yourself, trusting your relationship interest, being OK with the "struggle" and knowing it will get better... and enjoy the time you are spending together!