Next steps: literally

Hi, everyone—

My saga continues. I’m in the doing phase of healing—not just the writing and reading phase. As most of you know, these past 7 days I really upped my game. (Unfortunately, so did my TMS.) But I was prepared for that happening. I did a nice guided meditation yesterday that brought down my tension level and pain somewhat. (I think pain in and of itself increases tension.) I also ran across a success story of a lady who couldn’t stand more than 2 minutes due to pain. She healed completely by just steadily increasing her exposure in a dedicated way over time by small increments. This reminder lent me strength. Willpower can lead to victory.

I made it out of the house 3 times this week. But I was hoping for more. I was tempted to be really sad this morning—but I turned it around. Note to self: keep your goals loose. If you expect too much, too fast, you set yourself up to be disappointed.

If I could have a dream come true this next week, it would be making it to church. I haven’t been in 16 months, since this most recent attack of symptoms. Getting back there would be a real statement to my TMS brain. I’m going to practice getting in and out of church ahead of time first. I’m stronger now. I should be able to do it with my walker.

It has taken me a whole year to face up to being vulnerable and weak (less than perfect) in front of people and to develop the confidence to field questions about what’s wrong with me. These social aspects of TMS have been as hard—if not harder—than the physical problems for me.

And lastly, it has also been a huge journey alongside my husband who has had his own demons to face with my TMS. It has overwhelmed, depressed him, brought out the best and the worst in him. He has helped me so much— But every once in a while, he just loses it about the whole scenario. My self esteem has grown as I’ve learned to rely on my own inertia. I don’t need him to always believe I will get better. All I need is for ME to believe.

 

You know, you don’t owe a single soul any explanation to what is “wrong” with you it isn’t anyone else's business. Dr. Hanscom suggests we don’t talk about TMS with others because it reinforces something is “wrong”. I make sure I’m the first to greet people and say hello, so good to see you.
That often spurts people to ask “ how are you?” My answer is always “doing ok! Missed you, great to see you.” You might then comment on the service or a favorite hymn and move on to greet another person.
Don’t get stuck or sucked into people either nosey or curious. Those that truly care will be ok with just knowing you are ok.

 

Hi Diana, proud of you!! I'm here to be part of Jan's Army.

Maybe I can give you some pointers, since this is my phase as well. First I'd say consistency is better than reaching goals. Use your frustrantion as a guide. If you felt frustrated in a week that you clearly did good, back down a little. You said yourself, expecting too much too fast... imagine the pool of bad thoughts TMS will have at its disposal, even if you reach some goals. So instead of 3 walks a week, how about short walks every day or so? Go outside, breath the fresh air, play with neighboor's dogs. If folks ask about your pain, you're getting better now, soon enough you'll see then at the church. And if you're feeling like it, you do the longer walk.

Second, embrace the pain. More than training going outside, you're training getting a grip on the harsh symptoms. You might have noticed already, but our uncounscious actually does a good job keeping the amygdala at bay while we're exercising. But when it notices you're really safe (and for me it starts as soon as I think about going back home), your mind lets this energy out.

The last is don't expect any kind of logical progression. There are days you're feeling great, even so the walk ends soon. As there are days you fight to go outside, and end up going way farther than normal.

P.S.: if you're fearful before going out, listen to it, don't suppress it, it wants to communicate with you. And then you reply "it's ok, we've done it already several times, we are stronger now".

 

Sandy Beach, a well known spiritual teacher once said, "Don't share about a problem until you've solved it".

He was of course speaking about AA and people who LOVE to talk about their problems.
But I have adopted it for TMS as well.... Eckhart Tolle writes about story-telling fueling the pain body.

Even with my sons, who understand TMS well, the most we usually say is "I'm fighting off some TMS right now" without naming the symptom. It's like Beetlejuice. You say his name and he shows up!

The only place in the world I would actually discuss it openly is on this forum with you guys. You being married to another person in the recovery phase is pretty unique....so maybe all of these old rules don't apply. I suppose the most important thing to avoid is what Sarno called 'Solicitousness".... part of the fight once you know it's TMS is that confident telling it that you are no longer gonna play with it.....but you knew that!

 

You guys mean everything to me! Thank you so much! I couldn’t make it without you and I wouldn’t be where I am now without you. ❤️

 

You are inspiration to us all, Diana. Thank you for being vulnerable, open, and honest with your recovery and how it can look. Not everyone's recovery looks the same.

I think if anything this journey has taught me is to become my own friend and my own savior.

❤️

 

Thanks, @HealingMe ! ❤️
To be honest, sometimes I wonder why I post the things I do. I feel needy and stupid. But at the same time, I really don’t know if I could do this by myself. It’s extremely hard. No one should have TMS alone. And the only people who can comfort you are the ones who know. I think I might risk jinxing myself sometimes—and I have!—by telling my goals ahead of time. (Just like @Baseball65 warned about in this thread.) You can set yourself up to fail. But you know, it has broken down my defenses slowly, to just tell it like it is. “Here’s my hope. Ok, didn’t make it this time. Or, maybe I only made it part way. But I’m not giving up.” And you guys are witnesses.

 

@Diana-M please keep sharing! It's nice to relate. Last week I had a good week. This week (and it's only Monday!!) is just hitting harder for me. It's honestly my thinking that is getting to me. "What if's" are hitting my brain yesterday and today. And it's frustrating when I have to get tough on my brain yet again because the symptoms get strong again. And I had some bad insomnia last night. It was just a perfect storm of what we all deal with.

 

That's your inner parent talking. The same one who loves to side up with TMS and cause a stir.
Have fun telling it to please f#ck off.

And yet it's the same brain we gotta be friends with. Sometimes doing the work is so annoying. For us perfectionists it's just hell not being able to solve a problem. But you are solving it. It just likes to fake the results.

 

"by telling my goals ahead of time"

I don't think it's telling the goals ahead of time, I think it's the desperation to succeed and succeed now - whatever succeed might be in your mind. Lately I noticed it was getting out of the house. Sitting on the porch is getting out of the house, walking down the front walkway and back is getting out of the house.
It's not the goal, it's the steps to get there.
Just having the goal is a success! You've decided you don't want to hide out anymore and that's amazing.
The overwhelm can be huge at first during this journey, confronting those safe constructs your mind has created.
You have a goal of standing more,
of doing more around the house,
of getting out of the house..
that's three goals right there simultaneously. That might be overwhelming right now.
Why not focus on one you can begin doing consistently. Not just consistently for two or three days but for a week or two. (an example is loading/unloading dishwasher which also meets your standing goal). The getting out of the house goal can simply be sitting on the porch until the other things are a bit less overwhelming.
I guess basically, I'm suggesting experimentation but experimenting over a bit of time.
It is HARD when you get over some of the anxiety and desire to do "thing" - you get bored. That's a GOOD THING!
This is when I started reading fiction books about people who do hard things and succeed (and fail in some parts) or at least change their focus on what their initial goal of success was (I read two books about a British woman who traveled in Africa and Iran, solo on a motorbike) for whatever reason this seemed to help my brain re-focus on what is safe and not safe. Here was my brain thinking that moving my foot two inches two the left might cause certain death...and then I read about this woman who's bike breaks down in the middle of the Congo on a dirt road... my brain quickly re-shuffled what was "dangerous" and what was not.

 

Thank you, @Cactusflower ! Good advice. I need to get the right perspective.

Yes!!! I’m so bored all of a sudden!!! That’s it! I’ve lost some of the anxiety and now I just wanna do more, but I’m still kind of stuck physically.

I like the idea of the dishwasher as part of my standing goal. That works! And even just going out on the porch is going out! I like all this. This makes me feel better.

What were the books she read? That motorcycle one sounds really good! I like the idea of adventure novels. I think I’ll look into that. I love to read anyway. I think @HealingMe said reading fantasy novels helped her feel better.

 

Wise words. I need to remember baby steps too!

 

Oh, don't get me wrong....positive goals like ones you've discussed? Those are Great... I just mean, I don't talk about it unless it's in context of BEATING it or finding what triggered it.

I set all sorts of goals for myself without knowing it. When I told my caseworker I would be back at work in 4 weeks. When I went back to playing ball again. OR, even in the throes of an episode, telling it first thing in the AM while I am still spasming "I am working until I am done, so you can stop trying to get my attention...I'm not listening"

One of my worst attacks last year was telling me I couldn't work the whole day...so I told it otherwise...then when I did, in spite of agony, the idea that it can keep me from work is defeated...all part of the ground war. Remember, Sarno compared it to a battle...battles have goals and objectives. I just don't share them with people who might misunderstand.

ON that job, the guy who hired me told my Friend he thinks Sarno was "Horseshit"...I could feel his eyes on me the whole time. I was walking funny and he kept being SOLICITOUS..."You ok Bro? You need a hand...you look like your in a lot of pain"
"Nope"
Funny...HE was at the root of a lot of my rage. Didn't clean up the house as I had requested, let his children all over my work area, and lived in general chaos, but wanted me to prep his house for sale...He has had several back surgeries.

He was Not the root of my anger, as I was aware of it, but definitely wasn't helping.

It's hard to remember, but I think it went away the day I finished his job.

 

@Diana-M
I read (and listen) to fantasy books too.
The books I loved the most in the last few years were by Lois Pryce: https://www.loispryce.com/What Do You Want To Do (Little Darlin') - Red Tape and White Knuckles was my favorite, but Revolutionary Ride is good too (her first is just OK).

 

I like this! I’m going to try it for some things.

Makes sense!